i haven't had much to say. i've been both busy and not. i've been stressing and worried and happy and pleased. i've been giving my words to my beautiful new paper journal selfishly, and wandering online, mostly aimlessly.
i spend time actively wishing i could have someone come clean and straighten my house, and passively watching it remain the same mess it has been for a while now.
i wander from room to room, alternatively enjoying the fresh air coming in the windows and then frowning at the bright yellow pollen which has now invaded the inside of my house.
i watch savannah explore the backyard, fascinated by rocks and dandelions and caterpillars. i listen to the breeze blowing through the trees, and smoke cigarettes while sipping my wonderful coffee.
i have mowed the grass, and trimmed the shrubs and even fired up the chainsaw, in an attempt to make our front yard a little prettier. i'm still sore from all that.
i have largely drifted away from watching the news, or much tv at all really. i have chatted with my mom on the phone, trying to help her seem even remotely tech-savvy. i have climbed into bed with savannah, almost every morning, to snuggle her and enjoy that quiet sweetness of conversations with her first thing in the morning.
i have gotten up early with wallace a couple of times, and slept in on other days -- which i feel badly about, and hope to do better with next week. i really like being up early, i just don't much care for the transition from sleep to awake, early in the morning.
i have been lazy about cooking, but have spent hours compiling new recipes to try. i still have grocery shopping to do, but it hardly ever ends up being much fun, so i put it off further.
and, for the first time in almost a year i am not freaking out about how we will pay rent next month, or anything else. and that is a welcome change from our usual routine.
savannah and i plan to clean today and work on coloring easter eggs. when wallace gets home, we are planning to look for other easter bunny kinds of things for savannah. and, i am so looking forward to going to brunch on sunday, although i have nothing at all to wear.
eventually, when you really hit the bottom of something, it has to go in the opposite direction again. we're rising slowly from that bottom. we haven't gotten many breaks in life. and, i don't expect them. but one every once in a while, so does help to prevent me from hating the whole world, and everything in it.
and, even occasionally, i get to be quietly happy and content, if only for a moment or two. i hope to hang onto this one as long as i can.
i am beyond sick of this stupid weather we're having. i've been lazy and off-feeling all week now. this is supposed to be spring for gods' sakes, and it's 40 degrees outside. in atlanta. in april. wtf?
i did manage to accomplish a little today, so that's good. but the truth is, all i want to do is find a big warm soft blanket, and curl up away from everyone and everything else. i don't want to deal with anything.
this makes me a bad mom. this makes me a bad wife. and this makes me a generally bad person to be anywhere around. my ick factor is definitely in the red zone.
i don't really know what will make me feel better here, but i'm hoping it comes through quickly. i know i'm unpleasant to be around, but it doesn't make things any better. and it pisses me off further to recognize that i'm unhappy, and not be able to do anything about it.
maybe it won't rain again tomorrow. maybe tomorrow will be vaguely less shitty. feh.
the time change kicked my ass. twice.
i got up later yesterday morning, drank too much coffee throughout the day, and proceeded to be tired but unable to sleep until early this morning. (i'm sure having cnn on as one tries to sleep, during a war, is also a poor choice too.)
i did manage to get myself out of bed at about 06:15 this morning. i had some coffee, watched some news, saw wallace off to work... and then crawled back into bed for a little while.
i'm the walking dead today, and all i've been thinking of is bedtime. i float from one thing to another, without much thought involved. at least i did manage to take a shower this afternoon.
i'm sure tomorrow will be a much better day... after a good full night of sleep.
and, i'm counting the minutes until i can tuck myself into bed.
besides, i do rather enjoy daylight savings, once i get used to it. but, i'll think about that tomorrow too.
because today is an unusally busy day for me -- who usually doesn't have places to go -- here are my answers to the friday five:
1. How many houses/apartments have you lived in throughout your life?
gods, too many, i think. one house in mosiertown, pa until 1981. one house in pillow, pa until 1986. one house in morrisdale, pa until 1991. during my time in college, one dorm room at the university of maryland. two dorm rooms at edinboro university of pa. one dorm room at cedar point in sandusky, oh. two apartments in philipsburg, pa from 1994-1995. one apartment in state college, pa from 1995-96. one apartment in port matilda, pa from 1996-97. one apartment in riverdale, georgia from 1997-98. one apartment in atlanta, ga from 1998-2001. and now, our current house in marietta, georgia from april 2001 until now. yikes. 14 places in 30 years.
2. Which was your favorite and why?
with all of that, who could remember... well, i liked different places for different reasons. where we are now, is probably my favorite. i like where we live, even though i don't love the house itself as much as i did when we first moved in.
the most interesting place we've lived, was in port matilda in pa. our apartment was on the top of skytop mountain, just outside state college, pa. it was above a porn shop and a strip club. it afforded us with fun people watching from our deck, as well as amusing stories to relate, even years after living there.
3. Do you find moving house more exciting or stressful? Why?
it is a combination of both for me. i'm weary of having to move all our stuff (too much stuff) anywhere else. the new place has to be much more worthwhile, to commit to an undertaking such as moving all of our stuff out of one place and into another. unless i find another place really appealing, i'm sure we won't be moving soon. i hope. :)
4. What's more important, location or price?
again, it's a combination. we've both spent a lot of time commuting since living in and around atlanta. here, location is a premium you pay for, in either time or money. it would be nice for us to live closer to wallace's work, but i have thought more about the actual place... especially since i am in it all the time, as i'm still not working outside our home office.
5. What features does your dream house have (pool, spa bath, big yard, etc.)?
i obsess over this occasionally. and, i seem to constantly change my mind about what i would want in a dream house. right now, i'm between two scenarios.
the first one is a big log cabin out in the middle of nowhere, preferably near mountains and water... with big open rooms, big windows, a fireplace, a spa-like bathroom and a fabulously equipped kitchen.
the second one is large warehouse/loft kind of space in a medium sized city, above a coffee house we would run, and above office space for our design firm. this place would also include big windows, spa-like master bathroom and fabulously equipped kitchen.
oh, and both of these places must have high-speed internet available or whatever better thing comes along by the time we are able to have such a place.
during the day, unless i am in the office or my bedroom i keep the doors closed and sometimes locked. savannah likes to get herself into things she isn't supposed to be in, so it is a preventative measure for the most part.
so, as i'm in and out of the office all day, i keep opening the door to peek on my email, or run in to answer the office phone... i can hear myself saying 'mmmm', every time i go in.
see, 'sted sent me a wonderful birthday gift box, which included a candle from zena moon. and, i can't explain how it smells precisely, beyond the 'mmmm' when i first smell it, walking into the office.
the website, and label mention a combination of peach and rain scents. so while the peach, you might be able to imagine, scents called rain seem to smell differently, depending upon who is making it.
it's definitely aromatherapy to me, as i continue to smile and 'mmmm' as i walk into the office, every time.
i have already thanked 'sted online, and in email. but, i love this scent so much -- and look forward to getting some other candles from zena moon -- i just wanted to say thank you again. and tell everyone else that candles from zena moon are fabulous, and you should all visit their website and order some now.
thank you.
i've been trying for a couple of days now to post entries, and have been consistently foiled one way or the other. i'm making this one short, with the hope that it actually makes it.
from the newest edition of the onion:
aries : (march 21 - april 19)
You've been feeling bad about
wasting your life, but there's
really nothing useful you could
have done with it, anyway.
this made me laugh out loud. and, i think i needed it too.