i wish i had someone to talk to...
even more so, i wish i had someone who wanted to talk to me.
i just downloaded odigo today, because it is the messenger that wallace happens to have at work.
and this is what i get:
cherif : om tunis i search a serious relation ship meet me soonif you accept thank you
sorry cherif, not interested.
here's a question:
i wonder if i should be nervous or reassured that i hear fighter jets flying over our house almost constantly during the day, and some at night?
i live only about 10 miles from dobbins air force base. we also seem to be in the flight path of a lot of commercial airliners, headed south to hartsfield international, and points beyond.
while dobbins is a reservist base, there are also two active bases in georgia -- moody afb and robins afb. and, warner robins, is only about 100 miles from here.
honestly, since 11 September, all airplanes make me exceedingly nervous, and i find myself straining to make visual confirmation every time i hear one fly overhead. but, i guess it also doesn't help anything that the fighter jets are loud, and i can hear the difference between the fighter jets and the commercial airliners, even if i can't see them in the sky.
i haven't had the dreams (yet) of planes falling out of the sky, or things exploding... but, those things are on my mind constantly when i am awake, even when i'm just sitting outside on our deck, sipping my coffee.
people keep talking about not being afraid, and to not let the terrorists win. but, y'know, i'm scared. even though i'm still doing what i usually would do, i'm scared as hell. and, this is one time that i'm grateful that i can hide out with savannah, in our house and mostly not worry about what's going on beyond our street or our neighborhood.
i don't know how to not be scared of this. any advice would be greatly appreciated...
in july 1991, just over ten years ago now... i was working outside of philadephia at a summer camp for the mentally and physically challenged. i had just graduated from high school, and this was the first time i'd been on my own, away from home.
not surprisingly, i learned a lot that summer -- about myself, about the world... and i've taken a lot those experiences with me into my adult life. i was paid an insulting salary for the actual work i did that summer. and, it was by far, the most difficult job i've ever had... but the sum of those experiences, has been priceless.
it was during this summer that i slept very little, began smoking regularly, lost my virginity, smoked pot for the first time. i got so drunk, on more than one occasion, that i cannot remember what i did or where i was. and, my parents had no idea.
i had become interested in another counselor at the camp, and he in me. he was 26 years old, two years younger than i am now. he was african american, from newark, new jersey and a former cocaine (among other things) addict.
i had not really dated anyone in high school. and, i suspect that because he was everything that my parents would have vehemently disapproved of, only served to make him even more appealing to me, during this summer of growing up. to say the least, i wasn't just teetering on the cliff, i was running head-long to dive off of it, having no clue what i might land on at the bottom.
i had to leave the camp for a couple of days, to attend orientation at the university of maryland, with my family. and, when i returned, this man was gone. supposedly fired. supposedly he had hit a camper. i was told very little, and even now i'm unsure what might have actually transpired.
some of my other counselor friends had made a suggestion of going to visit him a week or two after his departure. as i mentioned, he lived in newark, and they were from the midwest and wanted a tour of new york city. this gave me an excuse, as well as transportation to see him. i jumped at the opportunity.
we stayed with him, in his mother's apartment, in the projects. in newark, new jersey. and, i lost my virginity to him, in the middle of the night, on his mother's plastic covered couch while listening to the new jack city soundtrack.
it was certainly not what i had ever imagined my first time would be...
the next day was spent with him, and my two friends from iowa and nebraska, wandering around new york city. my two girlfriends wanted to ride the ferry to the statue of liberty, and i didn't want to spend the money on it, as i had already paid to go up to the observation deck in the empire state building. instead he and i sat on a bench in battery park, talked a little, but mostly i was taking in the scenery. i'm still in love with new york, although i'm entirely sure it is a place i will never live.
when the girls returned, and we decided to head back to new jersey; we walked north, along greenwich street to the world trade center. i remember looking up at the huge buildings and then peering down along the escalator which descended from the street level into the basement below, where the train station was located. i remember all the flags which hung outside, and how many people were wandering about in the lower levels.
that was the first, and the last time i've been there.
and, even with all the images i've seen of the world trade center in the past few weeks, it's still difficult to wrap my mind around the idea that it just isn't there anymore.
and, i'm sorry that our world is so different because of it.
last evening, wallace and i had an exceptional time together. not that we don't enjoy one another usually, but this was an evening i wanted to hold onto longer than it was lasting. i was grasping at the ghosts of moments, but finding nothing to hold onto. but, if i write it down now, i will remember better than i would just setting it on a special shelf in my mind, destined for dust and likely to fade...
i had to go out and run errands after wallace got home from work (oh the joys of having only one vehicle...) and i actually didn't leave as soon as he got home. so, things were pushed back considerably, until i actually got up and went. wallace and savannah had some good quality time together, and i got to run around doing this and that, constantly wishing i had some great music i could turn up really loud and enjoy while driving around.
i spent more time than i thought i would at the grocery store, and picked up some hideous horrible food from macdonald's for dinner. and finally made my way home, admiring the bright full moon in the sky, thinking of friends, and future plans and enjoying the cool autumn air against my face.
i gave savannah her bath, and wallace and i got her ready for bed. then we settled down with our bags of yucky fast food, and we watched memento. and, it was certainly as good, if not better than everyone has told me that it was.
wallace quietly mentioned, maybe halfway through the movie, that he wanted to buy this one. he mentioned this quietly, because he had been instructed by me not to chat it up during the movie. and, he graciously honored my request.
i've come to be quite the movie buff since meeting wallace. he has shared with me his knowledge, and i've come to share his love of movies. it suprises me sometimes, as he seems to have rubbed off on me more than i'd like to admit in this area. but, it is something we've come to share together, and i'm glad for that. i don't thank him enough, i think.
and, even though we agreed to disagree about some of the finer points of the film, we had a great time discussing it. and we both loved it.
this discussion took us into the dark and quiet hours late into the night. and we were still talking when we finally did climb into bed together.
before we both fell asleep, he was talking to me about a project that he was going to be working on today. his job is certainly not what he had hoped for, but will be okay for now. he does a lot of small business websites, because his firm is a preferred agent for earthlink. they are not precisely what he had hoped to fill his portfolio with, but they pay him a little for now.
he is working on a shopping cart for this particular company, which is apparently some sort of adult-oriented site, including toys that is located in west hyattsville, maryland. amusingly enough, i used to live very close to this, when i was at the university of maryland. (gods, i do miss living there... but, that is another story for another day.)
as he was telling me about the site, he was chuckling and telling me how one of the shopping cart catagories is dongs and dildoes, which precipitated a lot of giggling and silly innuendo. jokes about paying for the site in trade, rather than cash.
wallace had recently gotten a $50 gift certificate for canoe, for the work he has been doing on the new zoo atlanta site. we then wondered if they might be handing out mechandise as bonuses from this particular establishment.
we giggled and joked and held each other, until we fell asleep.
it was wonderful ...