today is savannah's second birthday. this letter is for her:
my dearest savannah,
today is your second birthday. and, it is so amazing to me how different you are this year than you were last year.
shortly after your birthday last year, you learned how to crawl... now you walk all over the place, you climb and you are almost running a lot of the time. last year you seemed very much still a baby to me, and now, while you are still small, you are not a baby at all.
shortly after your birthday last year you were only speaking a word or two, and now you seem to learn new words every day. you talk lots and lots (even if i can't understand most of it, quite yet) and i'm always excited to see what words you might learn next.
you've grown so much, in so many different ways. i love being able to watch you learn something new about the world, or just something new about yourself. i'm so happy for the person you've become today, as well as excited to see what sort of person you might be a day, a week, a month or another year from now.
i love to watch you assert your personality when i tell you that you can't do something you want to do... even if it does mean watching you cry or yell at me. i love to watch you be unexpectedly sweet, to me, like kissing my leg while i'm talking on the phone. and i love to see you dance and smile and laugh, with almost everything you do, everyday.
you remind me to slow down sometimes, when your own little legs can't keep up, or if you think something is worth stopping for -- like raindrops on leaves, or looking up at the clouds in the sky. even if it's time to do something else, and you bring me a book, we read together. you have shown me some of the simple pleasures in life, some of which i had forgotten about for a while.
your insatiable curiosity for the world has renewed my own. your pervasive happiness during each day has become my own. your enthusiasm for life has also become my own. and, i thank you so much for all of these gifts. i'm lucky to see these things again, and i'm lucky to know you.
the little baby things of only two years ago seem so far away. the hospital, the waiting, the worrying, all seem to be fading like fog when the sun rises. and, oh, do i feel like the sun has risen finally.
now, mommy and daddy are getting ready to move us all into a new house. and, it makes us both very happy. we hope that you will love it there. we hope you will have places to play. space to run around. and, having a home with be ever so much better than having our apartment here. we promise.
you have many people who have come to know you and love you in these two short years. and, you also have many people who know how remarkable you are, how strong, how determined... how completely special you are. we are all lucky to know you, and have the chance to love you.
i hope so many things for you, sweet pea, but mostly, i want you to be happy. your daddy and i love you so much, and i hope you always know that.
so, happy birthday, savannah... thank you for two wonderful years, and many many more.
love always and forever,
mommy
i won't miss living here because i'm sick and tired of the imbecilic maintenance men, for not only showing up 5 minutes after i've gone to take a nap, but also for having more than one of the deficients show up an hour later for the same problem.
swear to gods, if they pooled all of their brain cells, they'd still have less collectively than one normally functioning person. ignorant assholes.
i've been playing a game for the past few weeks, and will still be playing at least until after the beginning of may... hurry up and wait.
we managed to find The HouseTM, and i'm waiting to be able to move into it.
i'm trying to start cleaning and packing, but i need boxes.
my parents are coming the weekend of easter, and i know already that it will already be too short a visit.
we need to find a refrigerator AND have it delivered, at some point before the 21st of April.
oh, and about a bajillion other things before the first of may...
i'm so ready to pack up my life and get it over to the house already... but, i can't.
i hate waiting.
but, i am enjoying some fun music this morning, and getting some laundry organized. savannah is in a happy mood, as she usually is and we're being goofy together.
i just want to get this other stuff over with, and be able to write countless inane journal entries about how friggin' great it is to be living in a house, finally.
i guess i should call u-haul reserve a truck, and call about those boxes, too.
i've been sitting here for a bit trying to pinpoint a part of my body that doesn't hurt, and i'm coming up empty-handed. i have a miserable, nasty full-body cold that is kicking my ass in a big way.
i've been drifting in and out of feverishness, and generally trying not to do much of anything at all today. which, of course, is nearly impossible considering the almost-two-year-old i have to care for here, too.
she's also sick, but she seems just as active as always. she disregards her coughs and runny nose to sit on the end tables, and rhythmically smack the pulley for the vertical blinds off the wall. i wish i were so unaffected.
my birthday was very nice and nontraditional, even if i did manage to receive this cold as one of my unexpected gifts. i spent time with maura, and got to show off our new house. i stayed up too late, and chatted with her about the importance of clear and open communication in relationships.
we still haven't eaten any of my pretty birthday cake, though. maybe tonight, we'll have to see.
i managed to get not one, but two bouquets of flowers... and some sweet cards, too.
it was a very nice and quiet birthday.
i need boxes, but i'm not sure where to get them.
i got some good advice about house blessings/house cleansings from maura. this is something i hope to do before we begin to move in at all. one of the little back bedrooms appears to have the word haunted engraved in the window sill. i'm not sure yet if i should be concerned about this or not.
have you ever read the short story the bogeyman by stephen king that was included in his book, night shift? i did. it creeps into my mind occasionally here, every damned time i see a closet door cracked open. there are different kinds of doors on the closets there, except for a few of them. i hope i won't be a paranoid psycho. (yeah, right...)
i need to start cleaning and packing but, i have to not feel like i've been run over with an SUV filled with screaming drunken yuppies, racing home late one night after a bar tour of buckhead, first.
i do hope that happens soon, because i really want to start doing some of this stuff.
i was gently reminded last night of my promise to write about The House® during 'sted's chat, so here goes:
i do feel i can finally write about it, as we signed the lease on Saturday. but, i didn't want to screw up anything in the meantime. but, we wrote the check and signed on the dotted line, so it's a done deal. she even gave us a key in the meantime.
this is a three bedroom, two bath split level home in east cobb. to anyone not living in the atlanta metro area, that will probably mean nothing. but, it is a great location. more residential than it is here. good schools. shopping close by, but not in our backyard. it's a very nice place.
there is also a large deck off the living room in the back. there is a fireplace in the living room with a gas starter. there is a full unfinished basement. and, there is a two car garage with an automatic door opener. the backyard is fenced.
it is on a quiet residential street, and gods, it's even called a 'subdivision'. welcome to suburbia.
and, i'm totally in love with it.
i'm so excited. i've been daydreaming about where i'll put the christmas tree, as well as what new toys and outdoor things i can get for savannah. i think i want a bicycle, to pedal down the tree-lined street. i want a chest freezer to buy lots and lots of stuff from sam's club.
i'll be able to wash the car, at home and keep the damned thing clean in the garage.
we'll be able to have cookouts. and, i'll be shopping at home depot much more often, and lowe's too.
i want to have a housewarming party, but i guess i need to get some more friends here first. heh.
i want to plant some flowers, and some other things too, i hope.
i want to buy curtains, and make this house our own.
we can finally get friggin' dsl there, instead of two phone lines.
we even have a doorbell.
this is a dream come true. and, i couldn't be happier.
i'm taking maura out to see it tonight, before eostara ritual and whatever she and wallace e might be cooking up for my birthday. they were speaking conspiratorially on the phone last night. so, we'll see.
but, moving into this house in less than a month, is the best gift i could have gotten all year. yay!
it's the whole process of moving that i wish would just happen. dammit.
oh, and if someone wants to give us a refrigerator for my birthday, that would be cool too. i hope we can find one cheaply.
wish us luck!
in the my parents are the coolest parents in the known universe department:
i just received my birthday gift from them. and, i'm so pleased.
i wanted to take a picture but, our webcam is shit and no one will ever be able to see it.
it is a gold ring, with a crescent moon, filled with dark blue stones, and three stars surrounding it with diamonds inside of them.
of course, if you know me at all, my website is called the moon, the stars and everything else.... and, i have an unnatural and all-consuming love for things with crescent moons, stars and hearts on them. (my engagement ring is a heart-shaped diamond.)
and, i decided years ago, that if i were ever to get a tattoo, it would be a bracelet, with a purple crescent moon, a red heart, a yellow star and possibly a black eye of hours or a black pentacle. but, so far, i haven't mustered the courage to get one.
as another aside, i girl i was madly in love with one crazy summer had a tattoo much like the one i described. both she and the tattoo were very cool.
so, i'm not a big jewelry person, but my parents picked out something very me, and i love that part most of all.
this week, in 1991, i was so excited to be turning 18 years old. i was looking forward to my birthday, wholeheartedly. i was looking forward to starting my life. it seems like about million years ago, instead of ten.
this week in 1992, i was at the university of maryland, working on finishing my second semester there. i turned 19, and a group of friends on my floor did give me a fun and cool surprise birthday party, with alcohol, and with balloons and streamers decorating my dorm room door. even still, i had pretty much stopped going to classes. i was failing out of school. and, i was horribly depressed.
this week in 1993, i was in the middle of my first semester at edinboro university of pennsylvania. i was doing really well. i was making good grades, and living a full social life. i was happier than i'd been in years. i turned 20 that year.
this week in 1994, i had just met wallace a few weeks earlier. i had once again stopped going to classes. i had been horribly depressed again, as well. i did have one saving grace in 'sted. although, she and i were two of a kind at the time... she was as much or even possibly more depressed than i was. but, she did give me my very first legal beer, in her room, minutes after midnight of my birthday. and she went on my 'bar tour' the night of my birthday. i turned 21.
this week in 1995, i was turning 22. i was living in a teeny one room apartment with wallace in the depths of hell (philipsburg, pa) and working as a cashier at wal*mart. i don't think i need to tell you how much my life was sucking.
this week in 1996, i made a quick weekend trip up to meadville to see 'sted. she gave me my first pretty paper journal. i had written loft dreamy thoughts of where i wanted to go, and what i (eventually) thought i might want to be. i look at it now and think, 'wow, i so would have laughed at me, then'. we had started talking about moving to atlanta at that point. and i was still working at wal*mart as the courtesy desk manager. i was turning 23.
this week in 1997, i was getting help from my mom looking for wedding gowns. wallace and i had decided that we finally were going to get married, after being engaged for three years. i was still working at shitty wal*mart, and we had moved into a decent apartment located above a porn shop and a strip club. our life wasn't great, but it was certainly getting more interesting. i was turning 24.
this week in 1998, i was getting ready for my first birthday living in atlanta. i seem to recall getting ready to spend a weekend shortly after my birthday with 'sted in birmingham. i was working as a teacher's assistant at a montessori school here in atlanta. things were happy, and going fairly well. i was turning 25.
this week in 1999, i was pregnant and wallace had taken me out to a fun dinner for my birthday. i had no idea that i would be giving birth to savannah only a week and a half later. we were living in the apartment we are in now. we had recently gotten another new car, as i had wrecked our first one on christmas eve, 1999. i was working at a different montessori school here. i was very happy. i was turning 26.
this week in 2000, i was here at home with savannah. we had gone from a two income family to only one. things were difficult, but worthwhile and happy. savannah was doing well, and i really enjoyed being here at home with her. i was turning 27.
this week, i am still here at home with savannah. i'm getting terribly excited about moving into a house. (that's a total understatement, but i don't want to jinx anything. it deserves an entry all on its own.) i feel so adult sometimes, and completely not during other times. i've realized that i still don't completely know who i am, or what else i'd like to do in my life. and, i don't look forward to my own birthdays much anymore, they do serve as a good tool for marking and passing time. time learning, time experiencing. but, i'm happy overall. i'm a work in progress. i'm so much story left to be told...
so, here's my tribute to one incredible decade of my life... and, to the fact that i'll have to remember i'll be 28 years old when anyone asks.
actually, i'm really looking forward to savannah's second birthday with so much more enthusiasm and excitement. that's a birthday to look forward to...
i'm like the walking dead. i started watching another child here, almost two weeks ago. he's only a little over two months old. plus i also have the one who is turning one in two weeks, plus savannah who is turning two in three weeks... yeah, i know. insane.
but no, i'm not insane, not even temporarily so. i have a Purpose, a mission. and a very definite endpoint in sight. if i didn't, i know i'd have lost it already. just put me in a nice padded room for a couple of months, and wait for me come to my senses.
but this is hard.
i want to move into a house so badly i can taste it, so that is why i'm doing this. our lease is up here at the end of April. and, by then, i want to be in a house. with at least three bedrooms. and a big green yard. and maybe even a grill. heh.
our apartment right now is an official wreck. and, i hardly have time to go to the bathroom, let alone clean the damned thing. so, i'm also looking for someone to come clean our house. this search has been little more difficult than i'd originally thought.
but, i'm investigating, comparing, and contrasting cleaning service firms. and, with a little luck, i'll be able to find something reasonably priced soon. or, at least i hope so...
the weather here is killing me, too. it's warm one day, freezing the next. and, i'm so very impatient for spring anymore. i moved to georgia and turned into a cool weather wuss. who'd have thought. especially after two winters at edinboro, which is precisely what hell would be like, if hell were supposed to be cold.
i'm waiting. waiting for winter to end. waiting for this daytime gig to end. waiting to be in a big old house. waiting for things to start moving along.
the only thing i'm not waiting for is my birthday. i stopped doing that a few years back. it'll come and go, and i'll just have to remember to tell people a new number, when they ask my age. i don't feel this age. and, i've been really bad at remembering how old i was this year.
this other stuff, though, i don't want to wait for anymore. i need some kind of 'next big thing' to work on...
"now, a question of etiquette: as i pass, do i give you the ass or the crotch?"
tyler durden - fight club
"this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time."
jack - fight club
last night, while chatting with 'sted on irc, we got a good chuckle out of someone suggesting a show called 'when weddings attack'.
if my day today was a sensationalist show on fox, it would be called 'when good intentions go bad'. and i've certainly cried more than i chuckled last night.
people are incredibly shitty to one another, both to their faces as well as behind their backs.
why is that?
it's little wonder to me why my little corner of the world, and my personally selected group of friends and family is so small.
people are just downright awful.