i'm not nearly as whiny and pathetic as i sound...
really.
i'm actually really great during choice moments of the day.
the rest of the time, though... i'm blaming it on my period.
because it just fucking sucks.
where do they go?
those people who tell you, "we'll be friends, forever..." those people who say, "i will always love you..." and, the people who say, "you'll always be a part of my life..."
where do they go?
do you wake up one morning, reflecting on conversations and glances and touches and feelings shared between the two of you? are you suddenly reeling and breathless at the realization they are no longer there? are they no longer your friend, and do they occupy no space within your present life?
did they tell you they were leaving? did they explain that if they disappear slowly, it won't hurt you as much? did they tell you that it's better this way, or that you'll be better off without them? did they say things have changed? their life? your life? the space between you?
or did they just tell you to fuck off, and walk away?
or did they just disappear, and say nothing at all?
which one is better? worse? do they both hurt the same?
should they tell you? should they just walk away? which choice shows more respect, for whatever you'd once shared? which one disregards everything?
what could be so different, could have changed so much? what could have turned always into never again?
where the hell do they all go? and, why do i still wonder why?
one of my favorite journals is gone: the pitt stop.
i'll miss you, brad...
even those of us who don't leave our homes for our jobs look forward to fridays... i know i do.
now, if i could only be assured that i'd actually get everything done that i'd like to get done... i'm hoping, anyway.
i had a really weird dream about 'sted and stef. i'm guessing it must have been something leftover from their chat last night... 'sted kept getting tied up doing things, then coming back to hang out with me. and, i found stef in another room, trying to sleep. when she awoke she was talking, but so tired she was making no sense... and she wandered off trying to find somewhere to rest peacefully.
i've been having some really interesting dreams lately. geesh.
i'm a little annoyed right now, with a personal matter. and, i'm hoping i don't become more annoyed tomorrow, depending on how it turns out. we'll see, i guess.
but, it's just savannah and i right now. and that is a very Good Thing. and, i look forward to having some fun, and relaxing with my baby for the rest of the evening.
hope you have a great weekend, too!
have you ever had one of those kinds of moments where what is occurring is so cool and makes you so happy, you can hardly think of anything else?
i had such a moment this evening, with savannah...
she had brought me a book to read her, as she's wont to do as of late... and, by the time i had her sitting on my lap, and had finished reading the third page... it hit me.
i was reading goodnight moon to her, and she was turning the pages for me.
it's a really simple thing, for most people. but, it isn't for us.
wallace and i used to read savannah goodnight moon almost every night in the hospital. it was the second book we bought for her, right after she was born. i think back to who i was and how i felt when i read that book to her in the hospital.
now, she's not far off from two years old... she's walking, talking and turning the pages. i can feel the tears well up as i write this now. we're in a whole other world than we were two years ago.
i can only imagine, maybe someday, savannah will have a little girl of her own... and, i think i'll be just as proud of her reading that book to her own daughter, while she turns the pages.
i love my daughter so very very much. and i love having these kinds of moments every once in a while, too.
i wanted to start catching up on what all i've been doing since i've gotten home, but one thing or another has plotted to prevent this from happening.
i'm going to be doing it soon, hopefully. as, i'm going to visit the doctor today, with the hopes that i can get rid of whatever evil has invaded my body, along with a list of other things i haven't gotten around to in regard to seeing a doctor.
my dad had surgery today, and will be having another one tomorrow... he's in the icu right now, but my sister called to tell me that he's doing fine. i'm still worried and a bit anxious about tomorrow. so, any good thoughts you might have to send his way would be greatly appreciated. i hope i'll feel better after he finishes his surgery tomorrow.
my house is a wreck, and i've been feeling so horrible that i haven't eaten but a bite or two of anything since Saturday. (not that it will cause any sufficient damage to my figure, unfortunately.) but, it would be nice to not get nauseated at the thought of merely cooking again, either.
okay. i'm done feeling sorry for myself. i did have a wonderful holiday, and i will be writing about it soon. i hope.
i do hope the new year finds everyone else healthy and happy and safe...