the scintillating prose to follow was inspired by taking out the garbage yesterday morning...
i have really weird issues about stuff... little rules and guidelines i live and operate by in my daily life. i'm very sure that the mild obsessive/compulsive disorder i have doesn't help things much, but... i have these issues nonetheless.
it occurred to me yesterday morning, as i was getting garbage together to be taken up to the dumpster, just how strange one of these happens to be.
i don't like reaching into things where i can't see my hand, or what it is precisely i'm looking for. my example from yesterday morning was the box that holds the kitchen sized garbage bags. i needed to replace the bag i had taken out. i buy hefty bags, which come in a box.
i know, you're thinking i could just buy a different kind of bag, and then i wouldn't have to worry about it. but see, i can't. i don't like the ruffies bags, which come on a roll, because they are obscenely scented and make me ill to think about. or, i could get the wal*mart brand bags, but, i can't do that either. because, they have to be drawstring bags, and those still come in a similar type box.
plus, since i've no longer been employed by wal*mart, i find it increasingly difficult to go there anymore. the stores are dirty, messy and there is no one to help you with anything on the floor. and, it takes at least 15-20 minutes to check-out because they also have no cashiers, and the lines are forever long.
so, i've moved up and on to shopping at target for most things. they have some way cool shit, and their stores here are almost invariably very well kept and well staffed.
anyway, back to the discussion of my issue.
i hate putting my hand inside that box to reach for a garbage bag i can't see. i pause and i take a deep breath, and i do it as quickly as possible, so my hand is there for only a split second. i do this every time i must pull out a garbage bag, without fail.
now this behavior in itself is a bit odd, but my reason for doing it is downright fucked up.
why am i like this? what trauma have i suffered earlier in life that renders me nearly incapable of pulling garbage bags out of boxes? i'll tell you, but i'm definitely not proud of this either.
i saw the movie flash gordon when i was about 8 years old, and those images have never faded from my mind.
okay, okay... please stop laughing, and i'll explain.
really, you can stop now.
for any of you who have seen that movie, regardless of age, do you remember the scene where flash gordon and prince barin participate in the challenge of putting their hands into the big stump. (tree? i don't remember precisely.) and there is a horrible dangerous scorpion-type monster inside who could strike at them, leave some big green pus-filled raised circle on their wrist and kill them? do you remember the gut-wrenching tension there was in that scene?
that is why i can't put my hands into places i can't see. this also counts for knotted boards, but especially any kind of container i can't see into. i'm afraid i'm going to find something horrible inside that i can't see. and it's going to hurt me.
...all because flash gordon, grooving queen soundtrack and all, has been seared into my brain, almost 20 years ago.
behold the power of celluloid and pop culture. yikes.
i was out and about over the weekend. i took savannah with me on sunday afternoon to go shopping.
it's fun to go out with her, but better when it's both wallace and i. i like the fact that people feel free to talk to me, because of savannah or whatever, but... it already takes twice as long to do things when she's with me anyway. i have extra stuff to haul around, including her, etc. and, it makes me tired after a very short period of time.
i went to the whole foods market down the street and savannah and i just browsed around. this is a different kind of crowd one will find at other grocery stores, and we always get stopped and chatted with a few times while we are there.
i stopped at the juice and coffee bar to get us drinks after we walked in, and i finally decided to try chai. (i know, i know... where have i been?)
i didn't know precisely what it was, because the only experience i've had with chai is that chai means 'tea' in russian. so, i was a bit snooty about it, thinking, gods, what's the big deal.
i'm guessing chai here is not the same as chai in russia. i don't know.
i like it. lots.
so, i bought some chai to take and make at home. organic chai, of course, with us being at whole foods and all. and, i'm looking forward to making it.
i guess i need to get out more often. or something.
...having the chance to make love at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, while your 19 month old daughter takes her afternoon nap.
it's been at least 16 months since we had that opportunity.
what a gorgeous afternoon.
i look forward to going out shopping and to dinner later with the two people i love most in the world: my cute and geeky husband, and my sweet and beautiful daughter.
happy saturday to you too!
i've been completely caught up in many years worth of autumn memories, recently...
i adore autumn, and there have been a lot of great things happen to me during this time of the year. i'm currently in the midst of a really huge chronicle of some special fall memories, thoughts and feelings.
i plan to put this into my regular journal, as soon as i've finished and edited it to my liking... which i hope will be soon.
but, i'm having a hard time pinning myself down to things though, recently. i've been all over the place. doing things here and there in the apartment. trying to get warmer clothes washed and ready for wear, cleaning up really bad areas, and spending time with savannah.
savannah is the most brilliant and beautiful little person i've ever had the pleasure of knowing. she's walked on her own (just a few steps) and she's now obsessed with kissing everything... she will blow kisses too. she's trying to say 'pooh bear' and loves the teletubbies.
gods, we're so lucky to know her.
dear joe,
i don't even know how to begin this... i miss you so much. even now, five years since i've talked to you, i still forget that i can't talk to you anymore, ever again. and, i want to so much.
i know you've been watching, and i know you've been around sometimes. i know you're here sometimes, when i'm missing you more than usual, and i know you've been here when i've been especially sad and lonely. but, oh, what i'd give for one of your big warm hugs...
i'm sorry you weren't there to make silly jokes at our wedding. i'm sorry you never met nick or got to laugh with him. i would have also loved to see you sing savannah to sleep once, and hear you tell me how beautiful she is, and how much she looks like me.
i know that you loved the fall as much as i do, and so this time of the year finds me thinking of you more often.
i wish you could see how happy and successful we've been. how far we've come.
it's been so difficult not to be angry about you being gone. when i think of you, i'm torn between sadness and rage. i know you wouldn't want me to be angry, but it was too soon, and not fair at all. for the rest of my life, your departure will never make any sense, never have a legitimate purpose.
there will always be a small piece of my heart that is with you. a piece missing from me, leaving me incomplete.
with all the people who have come in and out of my life, in different ways and for different reasons, dealing with your absence has been the hardest and longest road to walk. i would have wanted you walking beside me for much longer than you had the chance.
thank you, for everything. i miss you, and i love you as much as ever. and, i hope to see you again. somehow. somewhere.
i do have a little bit of comfort in my belief that i will meet up with you again. maybe in this lifetime, and maybe in another one.
always,
lara
my parents came to visit this past weekend. and we had a really great time.
they are generous and fun and interesting people. and, i love spending time with them, and just talking. they have become some of the best friends i have in the world.
but, because wallace and i decided to move down here to atlanta, and my parents still live in central pennsylvania, we only have little bits of time to spend with one another. a couple days here, and couple more days here... it's hardly ever enough.
i'm very glad we live here, for many different reasons, not the least of which is that wallace wouldn't be as successful as he is, if not for our being here. because in his areas of expertise, there just aren't that many jobs for people in central pennsylvania, but there are plenty here, enough to pick and choose the good ones.
but, i'm still stuck with the only a little bit of time here and there issue. and, i don't know what to do about it. the differences between speaking to someone on the phone daily and being in someone's presence are vastly huge. not even close.
and, i'm afraid that life is too short to only spend time with the people we love most in tiny parceled bits.
i just need to figure out how to fix this.