wallace took savannah to see her pediatrician this morning, since i was here with destiny. it was a quiet morning. the confusion didn't happen until he got home...
she's still not growing (a lot), but it's still not a huge deal. babies generally do slow down growth-wise after their first birthday or so. and her ct scan was normal in june. so, they just want to keep an eye on things.
that's fine and great and all, but can be a bit nervewracking after a while. i'm still a bit nervous, but, i'm not freaking myself out like i was a couple of months ago.
so, her ped said she's doing great, really. and not to worry about the growth thing yet either. but, she did give wallace a referral (gotta love fucking hmo politics) to see a developmental pediatrician for an assessment. and, truly, the only reason she wants to do that, is to be sure and have me be sure that there isn't anything else slowing down with her developmentally.
i'm actually looking forward to having it done, to get a good picture of where we are right now. but, in the back of my mind, in the dark scary places, i'm terrified.
it's there in those dark scary places where all the information about the lives of preemies as they grow up resides. many many preemies go on to have perfectly normal lives, but there are also quite a few who do not.
and, it will be a long time before i can say with any certainty one way or the other how things will be for savannah. and, i'm so bad at waiting for things. i'll be much better off when i can know.
i love my little girl, more than anything i've ever known in my life. and, i will love her no matter what. and i'll help her however i can.
when i was pregnant, i imagined the brilliant child we'd almost be sure to have, given both our genes and individual intelligence... but things aren't so clear.
my heart hurts now when i see savannah struggle to do something that she can't, and, if she does need extra help later on, i hope i can find the strength. i want her to be happy. and healthy. and i want to help her along in the best way and as much as i can.
i spent almost an hour on the phone calling to verify this and that, to find the doctor we'd have to go to for the assessment. calling to verify that this doctor participates in the hmo, blah blah blah. i don't understand why they have to make things so fucking hard. and i'll jump through seventeen more hoops so i can be sure that savannah is taken care of, one way or the other.
now, i'm hoping for both girls to nap, so i might get a little nap too. destiny's already passed out. and, i'm hoping savannah chills out soon too. but, she's being more difficult.
i'm looking forward to doing something with wallace tonight, and spending some time with maura, as she's coming over to watch savannah and staying over, too. i think.
keep your fingers crossed that everything is okay, please...
i'm not a hit slut. i don't check my site stats very often. but, i do love site meter. and, i usually get a great laugh from my referrals.
the absolute funniest referrals come from google.com. and, i'll concede the fact that i use google.com as much, if not more than most search engines. but, it leads me to wonder about what the hell are people thinking about, let alone searching for on the net?
here are a few recent amusing ones:
searching for transvestite coffee -- i'm in the top 50, lucky me.
unusual diaper searches and nasty diaper fetishes.
pierced nostril searches and my dislike for wearing footware.
and also, interesting hometown search and i laugh when i see people looking up this movie.
i guess i'll be going for some crossdressing tea, or maybe some dominatrix espresso or something...
i have some crazy dreams sometimes. wallace makes fun of them usually, unless they are nightmares... then, he mostly saves his laughter at the absurdity of my dreams, to a later time when i'm not in the same room.
i don't know how often i have good dreams. more frequently, i can't remember those upon waking. the bad ones, i'm more inclined to remember, as i'm jolted awake by them.
i have remembered a few good ones, recently, although they seem to be no less weird than previously. i'm going to include a few samples, including the one i had this morning.
'sted had recently posted a link to a slut test. and one of the last questions that were asked had to do with if you were able to have a chance to sleep with a famous person, who would it be?
i had picked sexy billy zane. but, i can't recall ever dreaming any good dreams about billy zane, sadly.
i've dreamed recently about a few other celebrities who wouldn't immediately come to mind, if asked for a list of the top 10 famous people i'd want to sleep with, given the chance... and at least one, i would list very high.
i had a very interesting dream about david duchovny, and i'm not even an x-files fan.
i had another fun dream about brad pitt, but it took me a long time to realize it was brad pitt in my dream. i mean, who wouldn't want to be fucked into oblivion like marla singer in fight club? unfortunately my dream was not nearly so much fun, but i would definitely have brad pitt in my top ten list.
the dream i had today involved brendan fraser... in my dream, i apparently knew him, an old high school classmate, or something. he'd come to see me, and we hadn't seen one another in a long time.
he was injured in some way, on crutches... (think with honors.) and he greeted me with the most intense warm hug, and was whispering in his low deep voice how he'd missed me and how happy he was to see me.
i asked him something like 'did you get my e-mail?' because i'd apparently read somewhere about his leg injury somewhere and had written him e-mail about it. and he told me he had indeed received it.
later on, more interesting things transpired, including a few kisses, etc. (no sex, or details thereof here.) but i woke up, just as i was realizing how buff he was in this dream. (think gods and monsters.)
so, while i don't think i would have given brendan fraser any space in my top ten list, dammit i wanted to finish that dream. i hate when that happens.
and why the hell did i ask him about e-mail? i think this speaks volumes about me... and, i think it's a bit scary too.
and how sad is it that i occasionally have sexy dreams about these sexy guys, and i never get to see how they end...
i guess the moral of this entry is, just feel sorry for me... because i feel sorry for you for reading this.
i am home alone, except for my daughter sleeping in the next room. i'm home alone a lot, during the day... but not at night time. so, this is somewhat newer for me.
i don't mind being home alone during the day. but, i'm not entirely comfortable at home alone at night.
i'm horribly paranoid, and usually edgy when i'm here with just savannah. i'm not precisely sure why. but i don't enjoy it.
wallace is on hilton head island, south carolina, on a business trip. and, i think that's awesomely cool for him. i've never been to hilton head, but i've heard loads of great stuff about it. it's very classy and pretty. and you all ready know how i feel about the ocean...
but, i did have a good day today, doing a lot of nothing in particular with maura. she took us out to lunch, and we wandered around virginia highland (atlanta in-town neighborhood). we chatted with one another and with ms. savannah.
we took her to a park, where she rode on a playground swing, and slid down her first slide. she had a very full day.
we smiled a lot, thanked many people for saying how sweet, precious and cute ms. savannah is...
i'm still terribly impressed with the kindness of some people whom i've talked to regarding savannah. some people ask questions about babies to be polite, and then smile and nod when you answer their questions. some people realize just how miraculous savannah's birth and life have been, and are very interested in talking to me. and, some people are even kind to tell me what a good mom i must be, with as well as she's doing.
and even if those people are only trying to be kind, they make me feel almost as good as savannah does when she looks at me with her immense and shining brown eyes.
there are many things that i think that i'm good at, and many things i've tried hard at being good at... but being a mom, has been the best and most rewarding so far. and hearing someone tell you that you are a good mom, feels really great.
so, i'm a little lonely, a little tired, but happy this was a good day.
i'm listening to the forrest gump soundtrack, borrowed from maura today for a little while longer... and then crawling to my (sadly) empty bed.
i'd been floundering for a while about childcare here, after my last painful experience. i haven't watched anyone but savannah since last november. and, i'm so glad and thankful we had the time for her and i to just be together.
but, now i think, is a good time to start childcare again. she could benefit from the exposure to someone else similar in age to her. and, i needed a kick in the ass to be honest, and not just float through days unaccountable for myself and our home.
having someone else here keeps me honest. it gets my ass out of bed early, it keeps the house clean and the laundry done. and it forces to me to get dressed everyday, when i've been known to spend days in my pj's, just because the only other person i would see, other than savannah, was wallace. and neither one of them complained about me in my pj's. at least, not yet.
but, the extra money will be so helpful to us. and the daily interaction with a kind two-year-old girl, should be good for savannah.
i'm hopeful. probably more than i should be just yet. but, this could just work to put my life a little more in order, and make it a little less difficult.
or, so i'll be hoping, anyway...
i'm hoping 'sted was right when she said that there were no other children made like ryan... i don't want to wake up, and hate my life, like i did then. not. ever. again.
when i was still in college at eup, i convinced 'sted to take a road-trip to boston on a cold snowy friday night in february. we took her car, as it was more reliable than mine was, and both of us could drive it, if needed. (mine in school was a nasty blue escort, with a stick shift.) i remember all the things we told people about where we were going, her dad thought we were going one place. her boyfriend thought we were somewhere else... and, i told my parents nothing.
the drive was oh-so-painfully long... but, being there with her in the car, driving along the interstates, talking and listening to the radio, was so much fun. i remember being silly, making up stories about the exits we were passing, making up new words to popular songs on the radio. and, trying to figure out just what in the hell we were actually doing going to boston.
it was great, when we were there. that is a very fond memory of spending time with 'sted. we've been other places together, met in airports and have found each other in strange places, if only to spend a little while in each other's presence.
now, we're not in the right places to meet up, anymore. i can't decide to surprise her at work, on a lazy saturday afternoon. and, i'm sorry i don't have that chance now.
three years ago, she rearranged her life, and bought a dress and a plane ticket to pennsylvania just to be there as my maid of honour. she promised she would do it, three and a half years earlier, the very night wallace proposed to me. and, i couldn't even picture what it might have been like without her.
now, i haven't seen her for a whole year... she came with shae and bea, when they picked bea up at the airport in atlanta. they were here for only an hour or so. and only a week or two after that, she and chad were packing up all their belongings and left for san francisco.
she's been my best friend for almost a third of my life. and there isn't much that she doesn't know about me. i hope that her memory is long and clear... because if anything were ever to happen to me, i would want her to be able to tell savannah who her mommy was... (not that i think that anything will happen, but i know more than most people how quickly one's life can change instantly.)
'sted joked with me last night about savannah, saying, 'you'll eventually have to come to california anyway, after savannah turns 16 and freaks out on you and runs off to be with auntie halsted.'
and 'sted being savannah's auntie isn't cute or funny. it's just as real (to me) as if we were blood-related. and, i look forward to her spending time with savannah in the future, more especially since she and chad don't know if they'd like to have children of their own. and, i know how much 'sted has to offer my child... the things that savannah might learn and appreciate and respect in 'sted.
so, why in the world am i babbling on about 'sted today, you might ask? well, mostly because i wanted to... and, hopefully i'll have a chance to talk to her on the phone tonight. and also because, i had a comment made on a previous journal entry, from someone i don't know, personally, named gina. she said, 'btw: halsted is wicked-cool, isn't she? :)'
i didn't reply on the site, but i want to respond to that now by saying, you have no idea just how cool...
and, i shouldn't bitch about it... really. some of the really fast-life experiences i've had have been horrible, unfun and basically really yucky. i get wrapped up in the slowness of everything, and get frustrated that Things aren't happening like i want/hope.
but, i think the truth is that i'm very slow to get organized about things. there are a certain number of things i feel i have to accomplish before i can move on to the other things i have waiting in the queue. and, it seems to take me forever to get the first list of things done -- all at the same time -- to move on to those waiting.
so, when i bitch, it's my own fault. my own bitching at myself. and, i have a hard time moving on or differently motivating myself.
other things, i'm torn between wanting to hurry up and wanting to slow down... like each of the little milestones that savannah crawls over. she's close to walking, and i can't wait until she can, but it's another part of her life that we're leaving behind.
i still hold on to the hope that i might try to have one other child in the future, but i don't assuredly know that will be possible. and, for some of these things, i may never have a chance to experience again, through another child. so, i try really hard to be patient and savor everything new that she does and she experiences, because it is important and special. and, this might be my only chance to watch and enjoy these things so closely.
i know that the things i thought about my life and my future, only 5 or 6 years ago, didn't include a child, or a husband, or even being here in atlanta. even things i had imagined only a year and a half ago have vastly changed. and, i've tried to be flexible. and i think i've done fairly well. but, i keep expecting that once i change my mind about our future, that things should happen almost immediately. and, of course, they don't.
i feel like we've been waiting around for some things for way too long, and then on the other hand i chastise myself for being so terribly impatient. i'm torn.
right now, i'm putting off a long list of things i really need to do, for the sake of sitting here bitching about how i never get anything done. how ironic i am; how ironic my life is... and how depressing.
but, i'm not unhappy, really... i've been deeply depressed more than once in my lifetime, and this sure as hell isn't that. i'm frustrated. and, i'm tired of being a living, breathing contradiction. and i need to learn how to kick my own ass, and work on making Things better.
. . . . .
in other happier news, it's wallace's birthday today... and in similar ironic fashion, we're broke as hell. so, i didn't even get him a card or anything. but, i think i'm going to make him some chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. and, try to make him feel as special as i can.
and, in a couple of weeks, we're going to another braves game. i'm so excited! a group of people from wallace's company are going together, and they are paying for wallace's ticket, so we'd only have to pay for mine.
i was lucky enough to score two free tickets from a parent of child i had in school in may of '98, and wallace and i went. it was a blast. and, i'm really looking forward to a chance to go again.
it's almost the weekend, and i really should be off doing some more productive/less fun things. but i hope everyone has a good weekend, especially 'sted and mish, since mish is in sf visiting 'sted. and, i miss 'sted, and hope to meet mish sometime.
and when i say old, i mean... i've known her a looong time. i met her in third grade, yes third. i was, umn, 8 when i met her. i'm 27, going to be 28 in march, so that's a very long time.
granted, i haven't talked to her during all of those years... last time i saw her was in '95/'96 sometime in state college, as she was going to penn state, and i was working at wal*mart. and we lost track of each other, again.
now, she's in philly and i'm here... and i found her email address the other day, and sent her off a little note like, 'hi, i'd lost you but now you're found... let me know if you'd like to catch up over the phone...'
she called me yesterday afternoon. and she's a really cool person, and she seems like she's doing well.
it's interesting to realize just how long it's been since i met amy... i've been in touch here and there over the years. i even went to their high school graduation.
nineteen years is a long long time. and, i'm glad i found her again.
we received notice about the new rental rates for our current apartment on friday evening, and i think we're going to try as hard as we can to move. we don't have to move, thankfully, but if we can find something better, we most probably will...
i don't much like our apartment anymore, even though i do like where it is located. so, i'm torn about wanting to stay here in this location, and wanting to be in a house somewhere else where we would have more room, a yard, etc. and, let me just tell you that i am not looking forward to moving at all. i don't much like it in everyday circumstances, let alone trying to keep track of and entertain a toddler while doing it.
but, it seems like the natural progression of things, here... wallace and i will celebrate our third wedding anniversary in about two weeks. we have a little girl who is almost a year and a half old. and, i'd like the autonomy and space afforded by a house, as well as the fact that we can get more for our money here.
sadly, we found a house that would be really great except for two very big things. first of all, the guy would like a deposit equal to the first months' rent. and, in the apartment market here, deposits are generally about 25% or less of the rental rate monthly. even if we do get our deposit back from this apartment, it wouldn't even be close to what we'd have to come up with for this house. secondly, our lease isn't up until noon on hallowe'en, and this guy would like someone to move in no later than mid-september. and, it would be very costly for us to break our lease.
i guess i need to stop daydreaming about this house, and keep my fingers crossed tightly that something equally as cool is available toward the end of september, beginning of october.
*sigh*
if you'd like to know 'what lies beneath', i'll tell you... a big steaming stinking pile of shit. that's what lies beneath. so, for $7.50 apiece ticket-wise, and $10.25 worth of munchies and beverages, we got to sit through a 140 minute shitty movie.
but, at least we got out of the house, without savannah... and didn't cry or fuss or whine about it. (us, not savannah... she was fine.) so, i guess that's something.
needless to say, we were up way too late. i had to take ms. maura home, since marta doesn't run that late.
so savannah and i slept in this morning. and i think both of us are still tired.
off to refill my coffee, for now...
it's difficult to find the right time to do the cleaning that i need to do daily to be a good housewife and mommy... i try to sneak things in around savannah and her schedule, but it doesn't always work out that way.
trying to sweep and mop the kitchen floor is a most daunting task when my one year old girl gets thrown into the mix. she wants to grab the broom, and i'm trying to catch it before the handle bonks her on the head. she wants to play in the bucket of soapy water that i'm using to mop the floor. and i'm trying to make sure she doesn't get her hands into it, and then put them into her mouth.
i just put her down for her afternoon nap. the floor is drying in the kitchen. and what will i do now, you ask? well, since i have this time to myself, i will use it wisely and probably take a nap myself.
...maybe this is why i can never get anything done properly. heh.
i love gray rainy blah days... really. i wouldn't make that up. but, i don't enjoy them every day. once in a while is good. a week full of blah days, not good at all.
this is like the fourth day in a row it's been overcast, raining, storming or otherwise dark. and it's just managing to make me really sleepy at this point. i need at least one day of sun to help wake me up, or whatever.
. . . . .
i was also very sad, as i was flipping through channels this morning to find jon secada singing at a rally for george w. bush. i like jon secada, or at least i did... but george w. scares me to death.
politics is such a game, and i don't know if most people realize how goofy most things are at the time... watching aarp-aged men giving thumbs-up all the time, and grinning madly. it's ridiculous... right along with all the bullshit that comes out of their mouths.
i'll be glad once they get the elections over with, and they can worry about who's taken what drugs and who's been screwing around on whom, because, it seems that's what americian journalists are only interested in anyway...
i'm soooo tired. exhausted. trying not to fall asleep in my chair...
if you have a friend who has offered to babysit your child, and pay for you and your spouse to go out to a movie -- at a theater... is that not a pointed example of just how much we 'don't get out' anymore. yikes.
so, i'm going to tuck my old grumpy mommy-ass into bed now, thankyouverymuch. g'night!
i try really hard to be careful with things i have. i pay attention to where it goes, where it needs to go, where to find it if i need it.
i've never lost my keys or my wallet or anything like that... ever.
don't i set a good example? how does my husband manage to lose important things? and how does he manage to lose them, after i've tried to express just how important it is to know where things are and keep track of them?
i'm so angry right now.
for the most part, my life is very simple, uncomplicated. my days are much the same; they only tend to vary on weekends. savannah and i have a fairly regular schedule of things. and, there are very few new or different things that happen here from day to day.
usually, i don't mind that. mundane is the norm here, and it doesn't bother me as much as other people might think, or even as much as i might have thought a year and half ago, when i was suddenly home and not working anymore.
little things make me happier now than they ever have in my life. and, i've really learned to appreciate that more. i get excited, really excited when savannah does something new... or if wallace does something sweet for me.
yesterday, he bought me a book, while stopping at the store, on the way home from work. and, i was really touched by the gesture. like i said, it doesn't take much for me these days.
but, i like it. i like my quiet simple days here at home. i also like times like this, when savannah has managed to go down quietly for a nap, a little earlier than usual. and, i'm here at the computer, putting off other things i should be doing. and, i have the headphones on, and some music turned up loudly, dancing a little bit here in my big padded desk chair.
what a fun, easy-going life i have... it's very cool.