yesterday was a good day.
today is definitely a not-so-good day.
and, i don't think there is a damn thing i can do about it.
i fucking hate that...
all that ass-kissing, and nothing... but i think i found a way to avoid the dirty feeling.
she sent me an email, telling me that my apartment was too small for 30lb. 34 inch tall little 2 year old, and that it would be *restrictive* for him.
i laughed out loud when i got it, because i know better than that.
so, i sent off a reply, including a snide comment about it, done in the most polite of ways... because she is wrong. and because if she chooses to raise her son that way, he will grow up to be vastly uncontrollable before he reaches 4 or 5.
while i could have made a difference, in that, had she chosen me... i am a firm believer in the attitude, that 'you reap what you sow'. and that i'm thankful that i won't be his kindergarten teacher.
savannah was pronounced 'normal' yesterday, after a call to our pediatrician. and everyone who loves and cares for her is happily relieved. and i've been able to pluck that little kernel of worry and doubt right out of the back of my mind.
but, i'm sure it won't take long for something else to replace it...
but, i'm happy... and i can't say i use that word often. but, i'm looking into some things that might make me happier yet. only time will tell.
I've been doing a lot of things, recently that I haven't done in a long time. I went out to the movies. I've managed to read, and finish two books, and I'm in the first quarter of a third. And, I even agreed to go out to a poolside party with some of Wallace's coworkers.
The movie, Gone in 60 Seconds was okay. Even really bad movies which include Nicolas Cage, can almost pass for okay... except for maybe, Vampire's Kiss. And, I didn't hate it, but... the best word I can find to describe it is 'weak'.
It was good to go out. Take a little break from Ms. Savannah, and eat popcorn while watching some fun car chase scenes. Maura took me, the kind friend that she is... and I had a lot of fun.
I'm not precisely sure what made me pick up the book that I decided to read first. A few years ago, Wallace got on a little kick for Poppy Z. Brite, as she had been recommended to him by an acquaintance for a vampire story that she had written, called, Lost Souls. Wallace and I both loved the Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice, so he picked it up.
It was another okay experience. But, sadly didn't include Nicolas Cage, so it was probably slightly less okay than the movie I saw. If anything, she only served to nudge me a little bit, in wanting to do some of my own writing, as her style is immature and unrefined. And, I have a lot of confidence I could do better... maybe. The ending was vastly unsatisfying.
So, foolishly, I immediately followed that with reading Drawing Blood. And, after about the first 15-20 pages, almost put it away. This led to a very interesting conversation with Wallace about the 'gross-out' value vs. non-value of books.
I would have to say that my favorite genre of books is horror. I began reading Stephen King when I was around 9 or 10. And he's written some really bone-chilling stuff, in my opinion. And, while he may have been somewhat graphic in his descriptions from time to time, I don't feel that he ever used the 'gross-out' for the sake of gross-out.
So, that is probably another reason I disliked Ms. Brite's approach to Drawing Blood... But, I didn't stop reading. And, at least it didn't get any grosser. I'm adding it to the list of writers I've read who make me sit and think, 'well gods, if s/he can get published and paid for this crap, I could probably too.' So, I guess my only problem is just sitting down and doing it.
So, I would guess that brings to me to the pool-side gathering we attended. I succumbed to Wallace's want to go, after a long and considerably un-fun day. But, I tried to be optimistic... I even, for a split second or two, thought I could maybe even manage to be social... Until we got there.
I was starving. And there had been food promised. But, generic chips and salsa, at the bar was not going to do it for me.
Savannah was grumpy, and rightly so, after the day she'd had... And there wasn't really anywhere for her to go. We weren't prepared to swim, and the area around the deck was concrete on one side and wooden on the other. Neither of which seemed conducive to crawling around for her or for us.
It was hot, Savannah was grumpy and as we waited there were very few people who actually came from Wallace's work. And, it didn't take long to decide that we should probably make our way home.
So, with all of these things, including some other concerns for Savannah, some trips out to the pediatrician and for some tests and with some really great late-night conversations with 'Sted... This is where I am, today.
I'm waiting as patiently as I can for a few phone calls today. Hoping to hear good news, for a change.
But, in the very least I feel like I'm getting back some things I've misplaced over the past few years, and experiencing them differently too. So, I'm off to find out what else I'd like to be reintroduced to, with my whole new perspective on life.
i have a feeling that i may have lived in a trailer park in another life (no offense to anyone currently living in a trailer park) because i have an unnatural love for white bread and miracle whip and cheese.
but, at least it's not velveeta cheese, right?
it's a happy silly day here.
oh, and i just realized this morning, how completely weird one gets after becoming a mommy...
you begin to speak to your child in the third person, with the vague hope that eventually she will look at you and say, 'mommy!'
then, when you're alone in the kitchen one afternoon, making yourself a white bread, miracle whip and cheese sandwich, and you are talking to yourself quietly... you refer to yourself in the third person AND call yourself mommy.
that is when you really know you need a vacation. t-minus 14 days and counting.
and, i wrote a new 'regular' journal entry today, too. yay me!
i'm in the midst of cleaning like a madwoman. (i know, and you're saying, 'yeah, what's new?') but, my potential childcare opportunity is coming to meet ms. savannah and i this afternoon.
and she likes me, she really likes me...
and, suprisingly, from the three phone conversations and multiple emails, i think i like her too. and, i'm betting, unless the compensation she offers is really bad, or he is worse (impossible, i know) than ryan was, i'll be starting childcare here the beginning of this coming week.
but, i still want to make a good impression with the apartment... so, i'm off to clean clean clean and make things sparkle. wish me luck. and we may even manage not to have to cruise into myrtle beach, sc on a couple of dollars and only fumes in our gastank.
i'm so pysched for vacation... t-minus 15 days, and counting.
i've prided myself in recent years in not being an ass-kisser. i used to have to do it daily, when i was the manager of the courtesy desk at wal*mart... and it gave me a dirty and disgusted feeling, that i could never quite shake until i quit.
now in my current everyday life, i don't have ass to kiss. i deal with people that i want to deal with, most of the time. and, i just don't need to kiss anyone's ass.
but, baby... am i smooching big time today.
i've spoken to this woman on the phone already, once. and sent a few emails too.
i really hope it works. because, if my puckering up has been in vain... it'll probably take me a while to shake that annoying dirty feeling again.
i got a response to my childcare ad today! yay!
of course, i'd prefer to not have to do childcare, and be able to devote my entire days to savannah but... i can't say that we don't need the extra money, because we do.
the woman i spoke to sounded very nice. and i'm hopeful that she might want to use me for childcare for her son.
i mean, he couldn't be nearly as bad as ryan was, could he? :o)
i really like being a housewife... probably much more than i ever thought i might. i love being a stay-at-home mom, too. but, i had a good idea that i would like doing that.
and, it's not demeaning to be responsible for one's family. although, society would like to make women think so. it's special, and important and even vital to the well-being of children growing up in the world today.
i can't help but think that society and even a small part of the 'women's liberation movement' has helped contribute to the added violence and hate that seems to increase daily. while, many other things have changed in the world... one of the most clearly significant changes, to me, seems to be the belief that children can be raised on auto-pilot. given to low paid childcare workers week after week, to be herded and watched over like sheep.
so, while i won't be buying any new furniture from crate and barrel anytime soon, and i can't afford to have more than one car... i will be giving my child the priceless gift of my constant love, attention and guidance.
i know i have a lot more to say about this, and i think it may end up in my regular journal, sometime later today or tomorrow. keep an eye out, if you're interested.
i have things to do, but i keep putting them off. which is not to say that i didn't do anything this weekend, because i certainly did, but... i didn't finish a lot.
ms. savannah had a bath tonight, which she loved. and, after she was out of the tub, and her daddy had her all wrapped up snugly in her towel, she proceeded to pee on him. through the towel, through his pants. soaked.
i found it to be quite funny, of course, because i wasn't the one she decided to pee on. but, i'm sure i'll have my chance sometime too.
i'm tired, and i slept in the morning and took a nap this afternoon. it was like one of our pre-savannah days. wallace kindly let me catch up on some sleep. and i am very grateful for it.
i woke up the morning, and forgot what day it was... i realized it was 8:30am and wallace was still in bed with me. i thought he was late for work. gosh.
i even went to bed early last night, or rather early, comparatively. and, i didn't feel like hell when i got up. that was indeed a welcome change.
now, i'm looking around and realizing just how out of it i guess i've been this week... with worrying about savannah. and our house is in disarray.
i've already managed to get the laundry started, and i have to decide what the best plan of action will be in getting things together. i've haven't decided yet where to begin, and that's probably why i'm still sitting here at the computer.
savannah is winding down for her nap. wallace is watching some exceeding crappy saturday tv. and i'm trying to decide whether i should start cleaning in the back of the apartment, working from the bedroom to the kitchen, or vice versa.
aren't our weekends so incredibly exciting?
'sted was complaining last weekend about feeling so old. it must be my turn, this weekend. heh.
wallace is home, and he and savannah are playing in her room. i'm trying to decide just how long i might be able to stay lucid.
no nap for me today.
up early in the morning to take wallace to work, so i can take savannah for her CT scan tomorrow afternoon. much earlier than usual for me, anyway.
i have no clue how 'sted gets up every morning at 5:30am. even when i had to be at school just before 7am, i was rarely up at 5:30am. and knowing her as i do, it's just plain scary.
being a mom sure is taxing sometimes. but, it's pretty well worth it. she's definitely lots more fun than wal*mart ever was... teehee.
i'm still really looking forward to going to myrtle beach, even if we won't have much money. mostly because, i think we could use the break.
i'd like to just not feel exhausted when i wake up in the morning, for a change. this is mostly my fault, but i can't seem to get out of the bad habit.
need to go have some breakfast, but, i'm sure i'll have more to complain about later.
the pediatrician's office called this afternoon, as expected. now, i have sit around and worry until friday. that is when her CT scan is scheduled. and i'll probably be waiting and worrying long after that, since i don't think we'll know anything after it's over, either.
i'm once again thankful for where we live, and the insurance that we have. northside hospital, where savannah was born and cared for until she came home, and scottish rite hospital where she had her hernia surgery and also where she will have this CT scan done. they are some of the best hospitals in the country. and, they have great experience and expertise in premature babies too.
research is in progress, but i'm not having a lot of luck so far.
actually, i really need a nap.
it's much easier said than done. especially with me. i feel everything, deeply. and i feel those things even more in regard to people i love and care about... i take it all in, so much so, that i can hardly breathe or think.
i hate being afraid. and i hate being weak. but, sometimes too, i seem to have no clue how to be strong.
i hope i learn. i can't be this weepy and neurotic mother that i am. i need to have at least marginal control over my emotions. but, if i haven't been able to accomplish that in the last 27 years, how do i expect to do it now?
i'm lucky to have the family support (related and chosen family) that i do. but even with all the support and love and concern, i still can't turn down my emotions. i seem to have to cry, because even when i don't want to or try to stop, i usually cry even harder.
i want things to be okay. that's really all i want. and i can't make them okay, or otherwise. and i'm hardly patient enough for them to be okay or not.
i'm just so tired of being so terribly afraid most of the time.
there is no physical space, no words, no gestures or amount of time that would be sufficient to completely express how much i love my daughter. there is Nothing i would not do for her.
please just let her be okay.
i'm tired. and grumpy. and tired. and completely unmotivated. but, i'm happy that i'll be chatting with 'sted in less than an hour, hopefully...
so, it's not all bad.
now, only if the dish faeries would come fill and run my dishwasher and the personal care faeries would come to get me all ready and tuck me into bed, when i get done talking to 'sted...
oh well. i can still hope, right?
i'm always glad when i have a chance to talk to 'sted. talking with her or being with her seems to have a calming, centering effect on me.
we've spent a lot of time talking about this and that over the years. over the phone, over the internet, and in person. but, there are two things i can't compensate for when we're so far away from one another physically... first is the beautifully expressive way that 'sted speaks. i can't see it, even if she's on her cam. i miss that a lot. secondly, and oddly enough, i miss not talking to her, and just being in the same room together.
i miss the far and away days of being at edinboro, and curling up on her spare bed... reading and smoking and listening to the staccato clicking of her keyboard. listening to her spoon clink lightly in her coffee cup, as she sipped it. and looking up and seeing her and just being there with her.
i miss her. i miss her being down the hall. i miss her being in the same state. i even miss her being in the next time zone. california seems so desperately far away, when i'd really like to sit and just be with her.
but, we had a great conversation. and she can still make me feel really good, even if she's a few thousand miles away.
savannah and i are off to see her pediatrician today. and, i'm anxiously waiting to know how much weight she's gained, and how much she's grown. i think she needs to get a shot too. but, i don't want to think about that now. (i usually cry more than she does...)
and maura is coming over tonight, as far as i know. we're celebrating the holiday together. i'll have to call this afternoon and find out when i can go pick her up.
off to shower and and stuff. i'll try to let you know how the pediatrician visit goes...
Wow, I've been out of touch. It began to dawn on me just how much I have been, when I began receiving phone calls and emails wondering where I was, if we were all right, how was Savannah doing, etc.
We're all fine; we're all great in fact. We've just all been consumed lately with so many things... Let me try to catch everyone else up.
In my last entry, I had mentioned the possibility of getting job here at home, and how great it could be. Well... I got the job, and have been spending a lot of my time online to working on that. Ironically enough, I spend enough time on the computer 'working', that I was hardly motivated to spend any extra time keeping up with my journal, or my site. And I promise to work on that. I'm making extra time right now to sit down with you, and fill you in. And I will make a point of it, so I don't get terrified emails and phone calls about us.
Also, my parents, sister and nephew came to visit two weekends ago, and we had a wonderful time. It was way too short, but we were so lucky to have them come. Nicholas is a sweetie, and he got to meet his brand new cousin, Savannah too. It was indescribably cute, with Nick patting her head gently, showing her all of her stuffed animals, and kissing her forehead before he left. He couldn't have been kinder to her, especially for a little boy just short of three years old!
And now, the long awaited Savannah update... Things are going very well. She began taking a feeding or two a day from a bottle! And as of this writing, she's up to HALF of her feedings in the day on the bottle. She's not on any kind of medicine anymore, and she's up to four pounds three ounces. She's in an open crib, and able to wear clothes now too. She looks so sweet. There are only two more things she needs to accomplish before she can come home.
Savannah needs to be able to take all her feedings by bottle, every day. And in meeting that goal, she's already halfway there. Secondly, she needs to have surgery, at the hospital next door. As we have discovered that she has a small non-self-correcting hernia. And they want to take care of that before she comes home too.
Doctors and nurses have mentioned that she will probably only be at the hospital she is in right now for less than two weeks more. And that the surgery and recovery across the street should take no more than three or four days. So, in my best estimation, Savannah will _probably_ be arriving for her homecoming around the beginning of July!
I'm completely ecstatic and terrified at the same time.
There are also a few more things that they will need to do for her in the meantime, to determine if she will need to come home with a monitor, or any other special things. And we need to go and take an infant CPR class, which we have scheduled for this coming Saturday.
We went shopping yesterday, and bought diapers, wipes, formula and bottles. I can't believe this is coming up so fast, even after having to wait all this time...
I'm feeling so ready and so completely unprepared right now. And I can't even fathom how cool it will be to be able to be with her all the time, snuggle with her, watch her sleep... in our own home.
I know way more about premature babies than I ever wanted to know in my life, but I have so much more to learn about being a mommy and being able to take care of Savannah with just Wallace and I. I'm so happy and excited. She will probably be just over three months old when we can take her home, and I am so ready to finally be a full-time mommy to Savannah. I will be so lucky to be able to love her right here with me, instead of from afar.
i woke up this morning, twice... which usually doesn't happen to me. wallace had been up a great portion of the night, and he was still sitting at the computer at 5:45am.
i got up to go to the bathroom, and saw what time it was... and called him a dumbass.
i am really glad he's dedicated to his job, and he gives 110% to anything he needs to do there, but, gods... i don't know about having to stay up all night every couple of weeks to get things done.
i dreamed about savannah last night, and it was not a pleasant dream. and, unfortunately, for the life of me, i can't figure out why i dreamed about this particular scenario. i dreamed of us taking her to the doctor, and one of them showing us an x-ray of a brain bleed... but, she's never had any.
i know my little girl is doing alright. i know she's healthy and growing properly, and seems to be right on target with the appropriate milestones for her corrected age right now.
but, i still worry. i worry every single friggin' day. but, i think that's a bit more of the mommy thing, than the preemie mommy thing. or, i'd like to think so anyway.
i know i have some things to do today. and i hope i can motivate myself to get some things done.
savannah's already gone off for her morning nap, and i'm just trying to take a few breaths and organize my thoughts and my game plan for the day. though, i haven't been really successful just yet.
i still haven't written out that new schedule yet. i'm in the process of reading a book i haven't decided if i really like or not. i want to try very hard to have our apartment clean before the weekend. and, i look around and see there is a lot to be done. nothing particularly huge, but little things all over.
i hope i can get it all together. or, i'll just sit at the computer, and fiddle around with other stuff that i don't have to do. but, i'm gonna fight like hell not to do that. i hope.
well, i didn't get up quite as early as i wanted to today, but... i did get lots finished before noon. after feeding ms. savannah breakfast, i managed to clean up the kitchen, mostly, empty the dishwasher, get rid of some leftovers, and refill the dishwasher, all while making a gallon of sweet tea. i'm definately pleased.
i have lots of other things i could be doing, but i'm not going to right now. i'll get to it. relishing the small victories, make it easier to go on and accomplish more and more, i think...
i have some planning and organizing to do between now and thursday (wallace's payday!) so, we'll see what i can manage to get accomplished.
it's so very very sad, but... i really do like being a housewife and a mommy. i'm getting pretty good at it, and it's more fun than any other job, i've had... well, except for maybe making people cry at wal*mart sometimes. that was great fun, but this is pretty good too. heh.
Wallace and I had a long talk the other night, about our painful lack of routine. We've never had one, save for a short period of time while I was pregnant. And, things in our home have gone from carefree and young to chaotic. And, it's just not working...
Babies, especially, need assurances of regularity in their day... And sweet Savannah has been flexible up until this point, but I'm afraid it's starting to wear on her too. I want to have a regular routine for Savannah. So, she can have some expectations for the day. And, so I can too.
I've spoken with friends and family about my possible OCD, and I think this makes our lack of routine more taxing on me in general. (It's pretty mild OCD, compared to others I've seen and known, but OCD nonetheless.) I always feel so much better when I have a plan, an order, a schedule, really. My mental health improves by leaps and bounds.
When I'm together, I write endless lists and schedules for myself. I remember being in high school and coming up with iteneraries for school trips and vacations, and lists of exactly what outfit I would be wearing on each particular day of my trip. I do realize that isn't normal. And yet, I still do it. To this day.
We spoke about coming up with a schedule, writing it down, etc. And, I'm really excited about coming up with one. I know at least one person who reads my journal who will know exactly how excited I am... I can't convey it properly here. (This person also wrote out their class schedule for college for me, in different coloured marker... which I still have, somewhere in a box. As we happen to share this particular compulsion.)
it's horribly sad, i know... but, just pity me, okay?
So, I'm also here at 10:30am, writing a journal entry. That hasn't happened for a while either. Savannah's already been up, had breakfast, played, and is already taking her morning nap. So, I have some time already to myself this morning.
Yay!
There are things I need to do today, but I have lots of time... I mean, it's only a little before 11am. And, I hadn't even gotten Savannah up yet, yesterday morning.
So, I'm looking forward to establishing a routine with Wallace and Savannah. And, I think it will make things better and go much more smoothly than they have been, up until now. And I'm happy, and excited...
And, I also hope to include in this routine, a more regular journalling schedule, but... that will have to remain to be seen. Unfortunately.
. . . . .
In other news, I'm looking for somewhere else for us to live. I'm really annoyed with our complex, and it wouldn't hurt if we could find something cheaper, either. I'm still torn between hoping for a house, and finding a decent apartment to rent. But, be sure I'll be blabbing about this for the next few months, as our lease is up on Hallowe'en.
I also think I've decided to attempt finding some babysitting gigs, once again. We really could use the extra money, and Savannah requires a whole different kind of care than she used to, so... I'm looking into it, anyway. We'll see what actually comes of it.
I'll leave you with a vision of Savannah before I start my other projects for the day... Have a good weekend!
It occurred to me this morning, while I was playing with Savannah, the amazing changes I've seen in her during the past month and a half. She's only a shadow of the baby that she used to be, and is now moving into that toddler realm more quickly than I'd really realized...
She's sitting up, crawling, pulling herself up and walking with us if we hold her hands... When the hell did she get so big?
I haven't been able to step away from being here with her everyday to see how much she's grown and changed... And it just hit me this morning. I can't believe how much she has grown up.
Things seemed so unbearably slow when she was in the hospital. It felt like she was there for years, even though it was only a few months. And, even when she came home, I was still nervous and scared about how to be a mom, and how to take care of this tiny little baby who was on a monitor and who couldn't do anything for herself.
Things have definitely seemed different since my parents were here at Easter. Right after they went back to Pennsylvania, she started getting her top front teeth in, started sitting up and crawling. And, my whole perspective has changed drastically.
. . . . .
And, I really do want her to grow up and be a happy and healthy woman, but I also have a small part of me that wouldn't mind keeping her like this forever... Small, innocent, safe and happy in our own little world.
I also know that I never even tried to see this far ahead in her life... If you asked me last June, what she might be doing by this June... I'd not have been able to give you an answer.
Instead, here I am in complete amazement that my teeny tiny 1lb. 6oz., 12 inch long little baby girl is not so far off from not being a baby anymore. And every day that goes by she grows a little more, does a little more, impresses me a little more.
I also realized this morning that I need to try harder to step back a little more, and really see the amazing metamorphosis that Savannah's going through. And how wonderful and special each and every day is to her, and to me...