I'm sitting here in my bedroom/office and I'm freezing. The weather is being typically unpredictable for an Atlanta April, and it supposed to get pretty warm today, and it's supposed to rain. I was a little too warm this morning, so I turned the air on for a while. And now, I'm really cold. I've turned into such a baby about temperature since I've been here in Georgia. Anything below 70 degrees F... I'm shivering.
. . . . .
I'm actually putting off finishing my cleaning, for my parents' arrival this weekend. And so far, I've been doing a pretty good job at it. I woke up this morning with a splitting headache, for reasons unknown, and I've been trying to get over it. Not terribly successfully though.
I've been good though. I have been deep cleaning in the apartment since last week sometime, and actually managing to keep it clean. I've even impressed myself with that. My kitchen is spotless, pretty much. And my living room and dining room are blissfully free of clutter and dust right now.
I'm putting off laundry, and bathroom cleaning. As well as putting off cleaning our room, sadly even though I'm in this room, more often then anywhere else here. Oh well. They probably won't be coming to our apartment until Saturday morning, so I can procastinate a little longer. But, it does make me feel good when my mom gets here and she looks around, and sees that I'm not completely incapable of keeping house being here all day long.
I'm so thilled that my parents are coming to spend the Easter weekend with us. I haven't seen them since Christmas, and I've been missing them a lot. I'm one of those people who had a really difficult time with my parents in my teens and early twenties, and actually managed to become friends with them. And, I'm so lucky that they are willing to drive 1700 miles roundtrip to spend a few days with us.
I've been trying to get an order together for webvan.com in the past few days, since I decided I was getting our Easter ham there, and some other things for dinner. It took me a while, but I actually did it. And, I'm hoping like crazy that they get their stuff together, and make some more things available when they are open for full-service. (I'm helping with the pre-testing, since I've been so excited about them going live in the past few months.) So, we'll see. I'm hoping to not have to waste my evenings and weekends going to the grocery store, anymore.
I've never actually made a ham before. But, my mom will be here to make sure I don't screw it up. But, as I'm writing this, I remembered what I managed to omit from my Webvan order. I seem to manage to make things harder than they need to be.
I'm also excited about my parents getting a chance to spend with Savannah too. It was nice to have them here at Christmas, but my dad was sick and didn't really want to play with her or hold her much, since he didn't want her to get sick either. But, I'm hoping they'll both be excited to see her and how much she's grown, and all the cool stuff she can do now, compared to what she was doing at Christmas.
She's funny and lots of fun. And, although there somedays days I wish I could take a break, being here with her is wonderful. She's happy and healthy and so sweet. I feel so different than I did last year at this time, wondering and worrying all the time. We're so lucky... She's so lucky. I try hard not to wonder too much about what she might be like when she gets older, but I do sometimes. An added benefit to having a preemie, is being able to enjoy each stage they go through a little longer than most parents. I get to savor every moment and milestone. And, I appreciate every little new thing she does, probably just a little more than most parents do, too.
Plus, another nice thing about my parents' upcoming visit, is that it is just them coming this time. I love having Nicholas here. But, he can be distracting, sometimes. He's almost 4 and is much more interactive than Savannah is, yet. He also is a high energy child, and basks in the glory of the attention that being an only child affords. So, I'm glad for quiet one-on-one time with Savannah too. I hope they'll enjoy it too.
So, I'm here... enjoying the quiet time. And trying warm up my fingers and toes. I'm wondering when it might rain. And I'm excited about having my parents here this weekend.
And, I'm hoping I don't catch anything on fire while baking our ham. Heh.
When I was about 16 or 17, I bought a button for my jean jacket that said, 'If it's too loud, you're too old!', with a picture of a cartoonish bear holding a big boombox type radio. It was kind of cheesy, but the sentiment still holds true. And, although I bitch about being 27 years old now... I must doing all right because I still love to listen to music I really like, Loudly.
I don't really turn my radio up here in the apartment often, for a few reasons... I don't want to bug Savannah with it, there is a fairly old lady living above us, and I don't want to upset her. So, now, the only time and place I can really enjoy eardrum-busting volume levels of music is when I'm alone, driving in the car.
Maura decided she was going to come over for a while on Sunday, and so I volunteered to go get her, instead of having her take the train up... It's one of the only chances I really get to drive a bit, other than going grocery shopping and the like here close to home. And, it's one of the few times I get to drive down into the city, and marvel at how gorgeous I think the big buildings and streets are downtown.
Of course, there are a lot of parts of Atlanta that are not pretty at all. But the wannabe urbanite in me, loves the big buildings. I'm still such a hick, I guess.
Anyway, Sunday afternoon was beautiful. The weather was warm and sunny. And I decided I would make it a little adventure to drive down to Little 5 Points to get Maura. I got a few CDs together, and found the car cd player. I got myself a cool beverage, and headed off to pick up Maura.
The CDs I brought were a lot of my old favorites. I have funny tastes in music, I think... And, most of what I've actually bought in the past six years or so that Wallace and I have been together have been 80's compilations.
I brought an 80's cd, which included She's A Beauty by The Tubes, circa 1983. I don't know what it is exactly about that song, but it always reminds me of warm sunny days. I think it's because I remember being on a Lot of amusement park rides that liked to play it. And I love listening to it loudly, driving fast on GA400, with the windows down. I sing along with it, and love feeling the wind in my hair.
I also brought a cd that Wallace doesn't much like at all, called Only Rock 'N Roll - 1990 to 1994. It has a lot of dance-type of music, really... including People Everyday by Arrested Development and I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred.
And then, to cleanse the palate, somewhat, I brought along, Halo Four - NIN - Sin Long, Dub & Short. Which of course, includes three different versions of my absolute favourite NIN song, sin, plus the remake Trent did of Queen's Get Down, Make Love. And actually, sin is one of my most favourite songs of all time... I always feel awesome when I get done jamming out to it.
So, here I am, blasting my NIN through my open windows in my little black Sentra, dancing around while I'm listening... then driving through a not as pretty neighborhood, to get to L5P. There were quite a few African American men, walking on the sidewalk, getting a real kick out of the little long haired white girl, jerking spasmodically in her car to Trent Reznor. Dear gods.
So, when I picked up Maura, she told me she had a headache. And then I was feeling bad, because I still wanted to listen to loud music. She told me, that was great, and that it would help her to wake up. So, I convinced her to go get her Ricky Martin cd. And whatever else she thought would be fun to bring and listen to in the car...
Yes. I can't sit still when I hear Livin' La Vida Loca... Don't hate me. The video is very sexy too.
I try to play myself off as sooo cool, and so very alternative most of the time, when really... I'm a total pop music slut. I'm admitting it. I can't seem to help it. I do love some alternative type music like NIN and some Violent Femmes and some Radiohead and Green Day... but, I'll take the Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears a lot of the time too.
Please don't try to picture me dancing and singing with ...Baby One More Time. Don't do it, because believe me, it scares the hell out of me too.
So, there... I've said it. I'm sure your image of me is squashed. I'm just a poser. And I probably like that Top 40 song on the radio right now.
But, I'll usually only listen to it loudly when there's no one else around...
One of my most annoying traits, I've come to discover about myself is my lack of focus, on anything, for any extended amount of time. I'm not precisely sure when I realized that I was this annoying, but... it has to stop. It's pissing me off.
I make a practice of either these two scenarios:
One:
I'll get an idea. I'll get so excited about that idea that it's just about all I can think about. I think and think and internalize and fantasize about it... and then I'll proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. Consequently forget about it.
I find another idea, get excited, etc. and then think again about the first thing. Get really depressed that I dropped it so easily. And still do nothing.
Two:
I'll plan to do something. Things like housework, laundry, making dinner, etc. I'll consider it, try to decide when I'll actually do it... and then proceed to ignore any rational timeframe, and do something else equally useless like watching tv or playing Mahjongg on the computer. And it continues to not get done. And, it depresses me everytime I see that room, that pile of clothes, the dishes on the counter.
. . . . .
I suck. And I'm pissing me off.
. . . . .
I love to organize things. When I can actually get off my ass and do it. I write lists for things like groceries, and things to do. And proceed to ignore them. I guess my problem is not the initiation, but rather, the follow-through. I have a hard time finishing things. I don't know why I'm like this.
Lara : "Hello. My name is Lara. And, I'm a loser..."
Large Group of Normal People : "Hello Lara."
Lara : "I always start things, but I never finish them..."
Large Group of Normal People : "You are a loser. That's so sad."
Lara : "But, how can I be more like normal people? I don't want to be a loser..."
Large Group of Normal People just sigh and shake their heads at me.
. . . . .
I want to be somebody Savannah can be proud of, that Wallace can be proud of, or my parents can be proud of, but right now, I'm not. Most of all, I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to Do. I want to Be.
I don't make New Year's resolutions. Obviously. But, I want to make a resolution, to do better and be better. I know that's vague. But, at least, it's a start.
I talked with 'Sted yesterday about an idea I had. And she seemed to think it was a good idea, but... she tells me that most of the time I come to her with ideas about things. So, it's hard to say for sure if she really thinks it is a good idea, or if she just loves me and wants to make me feel good...
The next part for me is the hardest, of course, and that is the actual follow-through of doing something about my idea. And, I'm trying not to stall this time, but to really buck up and have a solid plan and goal in mind. Although, I can certainly find excuses for not doing things here. It's cold and rainy. And, I really need to clean my house.
But, I'm not letting my idea go, yet... I'm not giving up on this one. I just wish I knew what would help to keep me going. Motivation, without pushing. I guess I just really wished that I was more convinced that my ideas for things were better. I have a hard time believing myself, and believing in myself, a lot of the time.
Because the alternative would be: I could just start up a Loser's Anonymous Chapter here in Atlanta. But then, I'd have to follow through in organizing it.
I just don't want to suck anymore.
I've been unfortunate enough to have been in four accidents in my entire life... I'm speaking of car accidents, of course. Two of these, were minor enough to only mention in passing as actually being accidents. The other two were not so minor.
When I was 19 and living at home for a semester I took off from school, I was in a very serious accident. I was young and inexperienced and incredibly stupid... and unbelievable lucky. I've written a bit about here, previously. And, it still boggles my mind that I actually walked away from this one.
I learned a lot from that accident. I learned that no matter what, there is nothing so important that you need to be 'on time' for to drive that fast. I learned to be very aware of where I was driving. Driving fast can be fun, but you have to be very careful of what you're doing.
I was really shell-shocked about that accident for a very long time. And, I didn't even remember the actual accident itself. But, I lived in terror of suddenly remembering it at some time. I didn't lose consciousness during any point when it happened; I only seemed to suppress the memory of actually flipping or flying through the air, or the sound of thousands of pounds of metal hitting other solid objects at about 75-85 miles per hour. And it still makes me nervous sometimes, that I will suddenly remember it. Because if I do, I'm afraid I'll never be able to drive again.
I didn't really know how serious it was, until I saw the car in the junkyard, on the way home from the hospital. I immediately began to shake and sob uncontrollably. And, I couldn't drive for a few weeks afterwards. Luckily, when my parents helped me buy my next car, we made a smart decision... We got a car with a standard transmission. And I had to learn how to drive it. That took my mind off the terror of driving again, and made me concentrate on the driving process. It helped to get me back behind the wheel again.
When I wrecked our car here, in December 1998, it was another wake up call. But, I wasn't doing anything stupid, like I did during the last accident. I used poor judgment, on a rainy night, at an intersection I didn't know. And, while we were only sore, our car was demolished. And, since we'd only owned it about 6 months... that really pissed me off. Thankfully, it seems very long ago and very surreal to me now. But, it was not a fun experience when it happened.
So, in my driving experience, I've been in accidents, but I've never seen one. I wished someone had seen my first one. From all theories and guesses, it was probably spectacular... something right out of a movie. But, I've never watched a real accident happen.
This brings me to my poor sweet Wallace... and the unfortunate experience he had on Tuesday evening.
We have a little ritual we have fallen into since I've been here at home with Savannah. He usually calls me before he leaves work for the day, so I have a very general idea of when he might be getting home. This depends on how bad traffic is, how the weather is, if he gets stuck behind accidents, etc.
Wallace was driving on Mount Vernon Highway, here in Atlanta, which is really _not_ a highway at all, but really a fairly small and lesser traveled road, from his workplace, downtown. He said he was going the speed limit, and I'm sure if he wasn't, he wasn't too far off. He's a cautious driver, always has been. And I know he drives appropriately.
Well, here in Atlanta, people who drive appropriately are difficult to find, most of the time... The average speed on the highways, is probably around 70-80 miles per hour, about 15 to 25 miles over the posted limit. And, keep in mind, that is the average. There are a lot of people who go a hell of a lot faster than that, if they can. My dad hates the drivers down here. And, as a whole, they are pretty horrible.
Anyway, the motorcycle driving behind Wallace coming home, thought he was going too slow, so he decided, stupidly, to pass him on a double yellow line. (From all I've driven on Mount Vernon, I don't think there are really but a few legal places to pass on that road at all.)
Then, apparently inspired by the motorcycle rider's dumb-ass move, the car behind decides to pass too... and Wallace watched him pass, going way too fast, struggle to get back into the lane, loose control of his car, and end up flipping it and smashing it headfirst, upside-down stopping against a tree off the road.
He explained all of it, in detail. Although, my spatial reasoning skills are very poor, and I have a very difficult time imagining this scenario. But, I do think I have recounted it correctly. And he watched it all happen... and he apparently spent the rest of his trip home going over all of the 'what-if's' in his mind. He thinks it was his fault, in even a small way, that this guy was a colossal moron.
I know, it wasn't. And hopefully, if I tell him enough times, he might begin to believe me.
Wallace doesn't think this guy made it. He saw lots of blood, but no person. And he described how the engine block was sitting essentially in almost the middle of the car, how the dashboard was almost touching the driver's seatback. There doesn't sound like there is a lot of chance for this person, but I'm sure there is a chance.
I made it through my accident, and I didn't even break anything. And my car looked worse, according to Wallace, than this one did. The person could have survived, but it isn't very likely.
And, I don't know what that experience did to Wallace, or to anyone else who has gone through something similar. Maura told me of an accident she saw while living in Ohio. And, she wasn't driving and didn't have anything to do with that, but she did watch someone die, while waiting for someone to get the victims out.
Thinking of that sends chills down my spine. If it happens to me, ever... I hope it's not for a very very long time.
There are huge differences between being in accidents and watching them. And, from what I know and what I've heard, I don't like either of them.
I'm itching to write today, but I keep coming up empty. I peeked at the dictionary, to find a word that caught my eye. And nothing really grabbed me and reeled me in...
My days are hardly interesting, or exciting. This is a typical weekday here:
Savannah and I get up. I make coffee and get her cereal and formula ready. I go get her out of bed. I change her diaper, and blow raspberries on her little tummy. We go sit down at the table. I put her big-ass bib on her. I feed her cereal. She intermittently takes a spoonful and then shoves most of her hand in her mouth, sucking her fingers until she feels like taking the next spoonful. We finish the cereal eventually. I get two wet paper towels, and try to get as much of the cereal from between her fingers and off her face and head.
I pick her up. We take the bottle and my coffee and sit down on the couch. I put on her other smaller bib. I turn on the tv. I offer her the bottle, and she smacks it out of my hands and across the room. I pick up the bottle, and try again. She scrunches up her face, and starts swinging her arms around, so we take a break on the bottle.
I turn up Jerry Springer. She whines and occasionally smacks me in the face. I tell her, 'I know they need to come up with different themes for the show... We've already seen, Transvestite Prostitutes 2 other times this week'. I channel surf while Savannah tries to grab my coffee cup off of the table. We finally settle on some movie I've seen a thousand times now, on HBO Plus, like Titanic. I cheer (again) as Leonardo Di Caprio dies. Savannah peers up at me and grins. I'm convinced that the first time she'll clap herself is while we are watching Rose peel Jack's frozen fingers off of that door/raft thing. Eventually, she drinks most of her bottle.
I put Savannah on the floor and go fill up my coffee. She rolls from one end of the living room, to the other, and then gets stuck underneath the chair. I free her, and she decides she'd rather push every button on the stereo, to no avail. I sit on the couch, and she starts to cry a bit.
I take a deep breath, and I can smell that she needs her diaper changed from all the way over on the couch. She's become much more fragrant, since she's been eating food. So, I pick her up, and we go change her diaper. I put a clean outfit on her, and we come into my bedroom for a while.
I check my email, while Savannah goes through all the toys we have piled up in our room next to the computer desk. She makes sure she gets all of them out of the way, as she makes a beeline for the telephone cord that hangs down just low enough for her to reach it. I tell her, no wires for babies. And I put her back with her toys. This repeats about 3 or 4 times until it's time for her morning nap.
She naps for an hour or so and I usually, play on the computer or try to have something to eat or clean.
When she wakes up, it's usually when I'm in the middle of doing something... especially cleaning. So, I never actually get to finish any thing much at one time, anymore.
We play. We eat lunch, with the same routine as breakfast time. We channel surf, and I dance around and sing for her, while she laughs. She swings, and tries to chew on her seatbelt.
After a while, she starts to get tired. And so she goes down for her afternoon nap. I'm starting to get a bit sleepy by now, so I sit down at the computer. Sometimes, I start playing Mahjongg, or I start a journal entry that never gets finished. Sometimes, I look for a job, or chat on ICQ. And when I'm really in the mid-afternoon sleepy mode, and get ready to lie down in bed. That is the precise moment Savannah knows to wake up, and start fussing about being in her crib.
I sigh and then we do dinner, and play and swing and dance and sing... Until Daddy gets home. And then we take turns with getting grumpy-baby-who-won't- sleep-again-until-bedtime, Ms. Savannah. Daddy usually feeds her nighttime bottle, and sometimes we read to her, or have her stuffed animals kiss her good night. And then she finally goes to bed.
And then, by the time I get dinner cleaned up... and other things I wanted to do finished, it's time to be going to bed again. Wallace usually passes out before we even make it to bed.
And I go to bed, thinking about stuff I should have done today, but didn't. Stuff I think I want to do tomorrow, but probably won't. And I think about how wonderful it will be tomorrow, to be with my beautiful baby girl. I wonder if she might start to crawl tomorrow, or say 'mama' or be able to get up so she can sit.
. . . . .
I need to get out more though, too. Or I'll be left with nothing to write about. Not all the fun, exciting or funny stuff just comes here to me. I have to go out and find it.
I'm hoping to go out the the Dogwood Festival at Piedmont Park this weekend. A good healthy dose of festival-goers in the city might inspire something to write about... Or, maybe we'll stay home and do nothing, but all be together.
You know the movie, Six Degrees of Separation... the movie which posed the idea that everyone on earth is only six degrees, or people separated from anyone else in the world. Well, I've always found the idea thought provoking. And now I have a small claim to fame to add that idea, in my own life.
As of the other day, I am now a mere two degrees separated from Al Gore. And then would be only three degrees from Bill Clinton. And then could go on to a mere three or four for a long list of very famous and influential people in the world.
. . . . .
Let me begin this by explaining two very important parts of this scenario first. My good friend, Maura was lucky enough to be in a situation the other day where she was working at a fund-raiser here in Atlanta, for Vice President Gore. And, I've had a crush on Mr. Gore for a Very. Long. Time.
. . . . .
Way way back, in 1991-92, when Clinton began his bid for the White House, I was paying attention. Probably more attention than most other kids in the 'just old enough to vote' age bracket. You see, I was going to school at the University of Maryland, in College Park, Maryland, just outside of Washington, D.C.
I absolutely love it there. A good part of the reason why I wanted to go the University of Maryland in the first place was namely because of it's proximity to our nations' capital. I adore D.C. It became my second big-crush love affair with a big city since I'd been to New York. And honestly, I do still miss living there. There is something very cool and very moving about getting a big cup of coffee and a copy of the Sunday Washington Post, and lying in the grass on the Mall, reading on a warm Sunday afternoon.
I paid a lot of attention to what was going on politically. I even went to a speech giving on campus by Paul Tsongas, another Democratic presidential wanna-be. But, when Clinton got the nomination, and he picked Al Gore as his running-mate, I paid a lot of attention. I find him totally sexy and captivating.
Yes. I'm admittedly weird. And I know this probably puts me way over the top, but... I am very drawn to Mr. Gore. For reasons even I don't completely understand.
I liked him so much, that in the fourth semester of my freshman year, (yes, it was really the fourth semester, just don't ask...) I went so far as to post a big picture of him on the outside of my dorm room door. I still have the picture. I used to post a lot of other things on my door when I was twenty... I still have my Beavis and Butthead picture, proclaiming 'Sted as Beavis and me as Butthead, and the other bumpersticker looking thing that said, 'Have a nice day, fuckhead!'. But, I digress...
Wallace thinks I'm a big freak, and makes faces every time I mention it. But, he was watching a lot of the Republican debates, etc. And I'm not exactly sure why he kept tuning in, but... every time he saw Allen Keyes, he mentioned his voice resemblance to Kermit the Frog. And George Dubya, just scares the shit out of me... I cringe at the thought of his ass in the White House.
And, we did manage to see one debate between Bill Bradley and Al Gore, at the Apollo Theater, no less. And we saw one other thing with Gore on C-Span, when he was talking at the Microsoft campus. So, we have tried to get a good feel for our choices... although to me, there is no choice to be made. And I do get a lot of fulfillment from making fun of Republicans. They do provide such wonderful ammunition to fire right back at themselves...
So, the truth and bottom line is: I think Al Gore is way cool.
Maura sometimes works at the Ritz-Carlton downtown, and she told us ahead of time that she had been asked to work at this fund-raiser. And, when I called her last night, she told me all the details. She even waited around after to shake his hand. Oh, I would have swooned... I'm so jealous.
So, now that I've written this, I feel a bit more silly to say that I know someone, who met Al Gore. I think he's cool, regardless. And I hope like hell that he'll beat George Dubya for the Presidency.
Oh, did I ever tell you that I got to meet Inner Circle, when I worked at the Exxon station... You know, Inner Circle, the reggae-ish band that sings the 'Bad Boys' theme song to Cops... Yeah, I just seem to know famous people all over.
Yeah right.