My mom and I had an interesting conversation on the phone last night. We were discussing a lot of things, but I had expressed my concern to her that I was afraid that she wouldn't ever love Savannah as much as she loves my nephew, Nicholas.
See, Nick is my parents' first grandchild. He's now almost three and a half years old, and he's also lived with them a good portion of his life, including right now. My father also had two daughters, and his son... my brother died shortly after childbirth in 1969, because he was similar in gestational age to Savannah, when she was born. And I know that my father had always wished to have a son.
But, there are a lot of other circumstances that make it seem that my parents' are not as interested in Savannah, as they are in Nicholas. But my mother assured me that was not the case. My parents feel very responsible for my nephew, because my sister is living there with them, and is now divorced.
Which led to my mother making the comment, "Savannah's lucky. She has two parents who love her and take care of her."
I told her I didn't think I agreed with using the word 'lucky'. But, after thinking about it last night and this morning, I might be more inclined to agree with her.
I've been thinking about how much luck might come into play in peoples' choices of relationships, and the extensions of those relationships with other people.
. . . . .
I think that most people strive to want the people that they love to all love one another. But it doesn't often happen that way.
It's ironic now, looking back at the beginnings of my relationship with Wallace, to think of all the ways my parents tried to break us up. And also how no one could make my parents say a word to my sister about what an irresponsible loser her husband was while she was married to him.
I suppose my parents thought it was all right to break up a serious relationship, rather than interfere with a bad marriage to appease my sister. That's all right though. I'm not upset with them about it. They have since realized the error of their ways and opinions. And we have a good relationship with them, and they love and care about Wallace.
I have other friends, whom I have known for many years, who have married people I find to be interesting matches. But it is exactly for this reason that their own marriages seem to work as well as they do.
My dearest friend, Halsted married Chad in May of 1998. I met Chad shortly after they had first met in person, and he is quite an interesting fellow. I was matron of honour at their wedding. And I'm glad that they have one another.
I often joke with 'Sted that Chad doesn't like me very much. We are constantly picking on one another, and it seems to be the game between us that we play. And while I don't truly know if Chad likes me or doesn't, he has been extremely kind and generous to me, at some times when I really needed it. I'm glad, in that way, my friendship with 'Sted has carried over to Chad.
So, if I don't get divorced, or people I know don't get divorced, does that make all of us lucky? Or does it show our wise decision-making and character assessing skills? Or is it something else completely, like proving there really is 'true-love' in life?
I don't know. Maybe it has to do with all of the above, or something else completely different.
I feel lucky that I found Wallace the way I did. And I feel lucky that he loves me as much as he does. I feel lucky that I did something incomparably stupid, and he managed to forgive me and love me even more than he did before. I feel lucky that we managed to create the most wonderful and beautiful child in the world with our love.
And I feel lucky for the people I've filled and enhanced my life with and all the great things I've been a part of in my life.
I feel a whole lot luckier than I thought I did last night, in many more ways than I could have imagined.
So, Mom, "Savannah's lucky, and so are all of us..."
Things in my life seem to be in slow motion right now. I keep hoping for some things to hurry up already, and some I have enjoyed lingering over.
The days between Hallowe'en and Thanksgiving seem to be rather uneventful for me, these days. I used to gauge those days by other events, in my younger and less responsible life with things like football games and first snowfalls (usually) up North.
Now those days seem less significant, even more hollow than I've ever known. This is still autumn, but it's not as fun here this year as previous years.
Even worse still, it's awfully warm here, especially for November. I have all the windows open here, and there isn't even a breeze.
. . . . .
I'm counting the days until Thanksgiving, for a few reasons... First, and possibly most importantly, it will be the blissful end of my baby-sitting stint. And, although we still need the extra money, especially with Christmas not too far around the corner. I'm sure I will be able to find a much less stressful and much more productive use of my time.
I've also still been holding onto the hope that we might still be able to afford/want to drive to Pennsylvania for Thanksgiving. But, even as wonderful as that would be, I can't really see it happening. It's too far, and way too arduous a drive for Wallace and I, let alone poor Savannah. This will be my first Thanksgiving not with my family. And that makes me sad. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for next year that we might be able to afford to fly instead. And it would be a much more enjoyable trip that way anyway.
It's too early to be much in the holiday spirit, and the weather is all wrong to really enjoy the autumn. I'm not sure how to feel, although listless would be a good word to describe my current state of mind.
We have a chance to replace our fossilized computer set up, but I don't know how/when we will be able to afford it. They are also offering ADSL here finally, with free setup and installation until the end of December. But, unless we can get the other computer, there's no chance in hell of this one being able to handle it.
I'm also working on trying to move furniture around, and add some as well. I need to make Ms. Savannah's room hers all on her own. And that means getting the monstrosity of a computer desk out of her room finally and into ours. And I can't really do that yet either.
I've got all these ideas and plans and seemingly no place to go with them. I'm disenchanted and pissed off, because I hate being this way.
. . . . .
I have managed to enjoy my hiatus from the journal. I've loved the month-long lead up to Hallowe'en. Wallace and I went to the Renaissance Festival again this year, with Ms. Savannah. We also went with my friend Maura, and her boyfriend, Kenny. It was a beautiful day, and it was good for all of us to get out together.
I have been happy, but waiting... now somewhat impatiently. And, I'm not even entirely sure just what I'm waiting for.
I hope I find out soon.