I need a shower. My house is in a partially controlled state of disarray. My head aches from lack of adequate sleep. And, I have only gotten dressed twice in the last six days, but... I've never been happier in my whole life. I feel fulfilled.
This is really hard. There are lots of things to do, and most all of my attention is focused on Savannah and what she needs and wants. And this is only the beginning. It hasn't even been a week yet. I have the rest of my life to spend concentrating on my child, and doing the best that I can for her. And I love it. I hope to always be able to say that, but I feel so worthwhile and happy doing so right now.
Wallace and I are now closer and better in tune with one another than we've ever been before in our relationship. We look out for each other, try to help each other, and love each other more and more each day. I knew it had started after Savannah was born, but it has deepened quite a bit since last Thursday. That is a wonderful feeling as well.
She's napping a bit right now, and has been for a good portion of the afternoon. Other mommies I know tell me that means she's doing a lot of good growing. I hope they are right. She still fairly small, but getting bigger all the time. She hit the five pound mark Monday at the pediatrician's office on Monday.
I had a beautiful moment with Savannah last night, about 4am when she couldn't go back to sleep... We were sitting in the darkened living room, listening to a cd of lullabies we bought the other day. She peered up at me, and then out to the screen porch with her huge beautiful dark blue eyes. I watched her face as the white lights strung around the ceiling of the screen porch made her eyes sparkle, and then I could see my shadowed reflection in them, as she looked back at me. She just took my breath away. She made some of her endearing 'chipmunk-type' sounds, and she smiled at me.
At that moment, I didn't care about anything but how beautiful she was and is. I'd stay up all night, every night, just to be with her and share those moments with her. It sort of makes me think of the Aerosmith song from 'Armageddon', "Don't Want to Miss A Thing". It made me feel like that.
. . . . .
I did go out last weekend, for the first time in like half a decade, to a club. Wallace and I went out with Ms. Maura and her friend, Paul to celebrate her birthday. We went out to 'The Chamber', here in Atlanta. And for anyone who knows me well, they know that I'd talked about trying to go, ever since we moved to Atlanta. But, I'd been intimidated by the genre of club it was supposed to be. (A leather and BDSM fetish club.)
After we arrived, I had no idea what I had been intimidated about. It was _okay_. Not great, not bad, but certainly not intimidating. What was I thinking?
We did stay fairly late, and ended up going out to an all-night taco place to chat afterwards. I felt really horrid the next morning, and I realized that I don't miss that scene at all, clubbing scene that is... And I won't be doing that again anytime soon.
But, I will most definitely watch the sunrise with my daughter, after being up all night, anytime she wants me to. And I'll love it.
I know what it is like to be fulfilled.
It's quiet here today. As I'm writing this, two of the most important people in my life are sleeping quietly in the living room... Wallace and Savannah. Wallace isn't feeling very well, but he did want to be home for Savannah's first full day here. And Savannah, she just finished eating around 2pm, and fell asleep shortly after she finished the bottle.
I'm so lucky, and so incredibly happy.
We've had a bumpy week, waiting and watching Savannah at the hospital. She did fine with her hernia surgery, but it seemed she had a little trouble with the anesthesia used during the surgery. And it took her a little longer to be ready to come home than we had originally thought, but... all is well. We picked her up from the hospital yesterday at about 4:30pm. And we've been here at home as a little family since shortly after then yesterday.
There is a bit I'll have to get used to. And I'm so glad that Daddy was here to help too.
We had tried to make as many of the preparations ahead of time as possible. We had taken a lot of her things home already, and there wasn't much left to take. Which resulted in her actually not having many of her clothes at the hospital to wear, before she came home. But, we managed.
As I'd mentioned before, she's home with a monitor. Which offers great piece of mind to both Wallace and I, since if she does have an apnea or bradycardia episode, we'll know. And it's quite loud. We couldn't miss it.
We got her hospital leads off, and put the soft little belt around her chest for the monitor. I got her dressed in a very pretty little preemie outfit that my sister bought her. And we gathered everything up together, I signed for her after they compared our little hospital bracelets and verified the numbers, and they sat me down on a wheelchair to take us downstairs. (It was a very nice 'feeling like a regular mommy' moment, to let me carry her down while I rode in the wheelchair. They have funny rules at hospitals, but I just went with the flow.)
The nurse took a few pictures of us, as we were putting all her stuff in the car. And it was very nice. We didn't hit much traffic on the way home, and we arrived shortly thereafter, as it's only about five miles from the hospital to our apartment.
We showed Savannah all around the apartment, and brought her little bassinet out into the living room. We got her changed and fed her. All very wonderful, except that the first two feedings were a bit anxious, as she did have bradys during those. But I think it was my fault, as I think I didn't have the feeding technique down quite yet. I feel I'm much better at it now.
It was a very quiet homecoming. Just the three of us. I only called one friend, and told another I saw online. And the rest of the calls were to family. My sister listened to me cry when I first got off the phone with the doctor, and after I told Wallace that today was the day.
I'm a whole lot more calm right now, and it's very nice to have Wallace here with me today too. Even if he isn't feeling well. He's a great daddy...
We're going to have a few trips to the doctors in these next few weeks, I'll bet. But that's fine. Even if I have to go to twenty doctors, I still know that she comes home with me, and won't have to be that far away from me.
Here's to hoping that I can begin to write about the joys of being a 'real and full-time' parent, instead of just the mommy of a darling little preemie.
I'm the luckiest and happiest mommy in the whole world right now. And it can only get better and better with the passing of time. This is what I've been hoping and wishing and dreaming for, to be here, together with my whole family.
It's been eighty days since Savannah made her unexpected early arrival into the world. And it'll be three days more until she will breathe fresh air, feel the sun on her beautiful little face, and be outside of the hospital for the first time in her life.
One day after her due date, she's scheduled to be released from the hospital.
Unfortunately, she won't be coming directly home. We need to take her across the street to be admitted to that hospital, so she can have her hernia surgery, but... She will be home either Tuesday or Wednesday.
Finally, our sweet little baby girl is coming home. Home.
We'll be together, all three of us, as a family in our own home. I can't even begin to imagine it.
This will most certainly be the happiest and most magical day of my life, only followed by her birth, and our wedding day. This will be one of the days I hope to never forget.
I'm so unbelievably ecstatic and so completely terrified.
I hope I can do this; I hope I can care for her. This is one thing in my life I don't want to fuck up... I have never in my life been completely responsible for another human being and their entire existence. She's so strong, and yet so fragile. I hope I can do it, with all my heart.
All my months of whining and bitching and moaning come down to this. This day, this moment. It is the culmination of only the first part of our lives together. And it's been so worth it. After all, now I get to be Savannah's mommy, and be with her all the time. What could be more wonderful than that?
I have Wallace to lean on, to help me. Even though I know he's terrified too, I know we can do this together. We have each other, our families and friends. We have been blessed with so much, including our daughter. And we have done the most wonderful thing that I think two people in love can do: created a loving and special family of our very own.
And while this is the culmination of this part of our life, with Savannah. I promise there will be infinitely more to come.
This week has been filled with lots of changes... many more than I had expected. I've been filling my time with working and this and that, but these changes have settled into the periphery of my daily routine. And I expect, one day very soon, they will be thrust into my lap.
I'm very happy about most of them, and of course, they are concerning Savannah.
She moved, once again, to another place in the hospital. And while it is a step closer to having her home, it is five steps behind where we were in comfortability and ease. I'm torn between being happy that she's going to be coming home soon, and the fact that we were so horribly spoiled by the great nurses and the room we'd just gotten used to. I'm not quite sure how to feel, although my closest comfort is that fact that we should only have to deal with this new place and situation for possibly another week or two.
Last night, we had a very nice visit with Savannah. She's up to taking six bottles a day (only two more to go!) and we even tried breastfeeding for a while last night.
Amazingly enough, she did really well with the breastfeeding, and it made me feel more like her mommy than ever before. She took right to it, although at this point, my milk is really low. It wasn't like the immediate satisfaction of her bottles, but she did her best. And it felt good to be important to her, in an immediate way. I'm glad we had help and were able to try.
Unfortunately, after she finished her bottle, we were literally 'kicked out' of the friggin' nursery, by Nurse Ratchet of the old school of NICU nursing. And that was so not okay with me. I put up with it last night, but I will not again.
I know too much and have been through too much for an 'I know better than you do' kind of nurse to treat me like I just walked into the Special Care nursery yesterday. We left without much of a fight, but I got a lot angrier as we were walking out through the parking lot to our car.
And I can promise that it will not, under any circumstances happen again.
. . . . .
More changes. Bigger, better, faster and much more exciting. I'm waiting to hear from the doctor now, but I was given a very strong indication from the nurse I just spoke to who is caring for Savannah, that she might be home even sooner than we had thought. Maybe even as soon as next week!
I don't know yet for sure, but I haven't breathed in the past half an hour since I spoke to her. I was wondering what a good gift would be for Wallace on Father's Day, but I might get the best one of all... Savannah at home.
I can't write much more for now, not until I know what might be going on... I hope you'll bear with me, and know that I'll be able to write more when I have my thoughts more organized. I'll do my best.
Possibilities, here there and everywhere... Some wonderful, some sad. Which way to look, which way to turn. Gods, I don't know... where should I even begin?
I'm currently looking for work. We aren't broke yet, but I've been there and don't want to go back again. It doesn't help anyone. And we definitely don't need to add that kind of stress into the mix of everything else going on right now. I want to stay focused on what's important to us right now, and not get distracted by financial difficulty.
In my search for work, one of the highest requirements is that I can do _whatever_, from home. There are quite a few choices for things out there, as I've found out from searching the Net. And quite a lot of it requires copious amounts of startup money or requirements of lots and lots of time. And those just won't cut it with me.
And honestly, I want to like what it is that I'll do along the way. I'll stick with it better, and do a better job. I always do.
I got a few emails from a gentleman looking for a 'customer service support position', which he wants someone organized (anally, like me) and professional to act as his assistant... and whomever he wants can 'work from their home office'. Yay! That's me, I can do it!
I couldn't fall asleep last night, so I checked my email. He had written a long email to me, an online interview of sorts, and asked some questions. I immediately was so excited that I dug up an old version of my resume, updated it, and proceeded to respond to his email at 1:30am. Am I excited or wanting this position, nah... :o) Well, maybe... just a bit.
I haven't heard back from him yet, and I don't want to jinx anything. But this kind of position would rock and I'm dying watching Express check my email all day. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please...
Here at home, I'm working diligently to get my house ready for the impending weekend visit from my family, including my sister and nephew! I'm so excited. I worked really hard yesterday and got a lot cleaned and straightened, and I feel great about that. I won't be killing myself on Friday, trying to be ready for Saturday morning. I have no clue what we might do while they're here. So, I guess we'll just take it as it comes and figure out something. I'm just glad that they'll be here, period. I don't get to see my sister and nephew nearly enough.
I got a phone call from the neonatal neurologist this afternoon, with wonderful news... Savannah is progressing very nicely, neurologically, according to her. Reflexes that were not present when she first evaluated her, and now appearing properly. Her sucking reflex is coming along too, although not quite ready to learn how to feed, but much improved from what it was two weeks ago. I'm so happy. I wasn't worried about these things, per se, but... I'm thrilled to hear how well everyone thinks she's doing. And each thing is just another step closer to having her home with us finally.
A good friend has told me of the possibility of a career-related relocation, and while I'm excited for the opportunity, it does make me a bit sad to think that she'll be much farther away than she is now. Here's to hoping for her for that chance, and hoping that their income will expand to a point where she might be able to come visit us from time to time.
All of these things have been making my head swim a bit today. I am actually doing some laundry and working on some home things. And, although I haven't made as much progress as I did yesterday, I'm still pleased and happy. Opportunities abound in and around the Beeson household today. I'm hoping for the best outcome for each one, and glad to be having a good day.