the road not taken

poetry

For you, my dearest...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

- e. e. cummings

No matter what ... I love you, always.

rights in material by cummings are owned by liveright publishing corporation, a subsidiary of w. w. norton & company, inc.

polarization

... And I just thought that my emotional ups and downs would be from dealing with Savannah's situation, and not much else ...

Not quite.

What a week it's been, and gods, it's not even over. Some of it has been wonderful, and some very sad. Ups and downs all week. I'm not sure which way I'm heading right now. I guess we'll see.

The trip to school did not materialize, but that's alright. This week has been full enough, I think. But I know it will be soon, since I do miss my kids dearly, and I've heard they miss me.

The evaluation with the neonatal neurologist went well, I think. She was very nice, although a bit strange. (But I've come to expect that from most doctors these days.) And I can't say I enjoyed watching her do what she did, but I do think she was appropriate in her actions. I don't want to watch her make our child cry, but it was for a reason.

The good news of all of that stuff was positive overall. Savannah doesn't seem to have some of her physical reflexes developed yet, but it isn't yet a problem. The doctor said that she was a very typical preemie. But, she was quite impressed with her disposition and her ability to control her reactions to stimuli. As I've said all along, she is the happiest child I've probably ever seen. And considering all she's been through, she is extremely tolerant. According to the doctor, Savannah is quite advanced for her age and size to have such a disposition. And, of course, this made Wallace and I prouder than anything.

. . . . .

That afternoon, as an unexpected unpleasant suprise, I got my period. And that was something I have not missed, being pregnant. And it was much worse than before; much heavier and much more painful. Not fun at all.

Getting up early on Wednesday morning was almost an impossibility. But, we made it to The Movie nonetheless. I did enjoy it, honestly. I have a few things to complain about it, but overall, it was good. Although, I would have enjoyed it much more, if I wasn't cramping like I was... Oh well.

Wallace's dad had to go into the hospital, Tuesday afternoon, for a heart catherization. We were both very upset and worried. It turns out he did have a blockage, and it was removed. And the doctors think he should be just fine. He's like my dad; bitching and moaning how he didn't want to be kept overnight. I understand. I hate hospitals too. But we're so glad he's alright.

After we got back from the movie on Wednesday afternoon, we got some of my Stuff for Savannah from Wal*Mart Online. Yay! And I spent the afternoon putting it all together.

I am fairly impressed. They didn't get it all right, but they did get the big stuff right. I only have one thing I need to return, the car shade, since they sent me one with Tigger on it, and I wanted Pooh. Plus, it seems to have already been opened, and was damaged. It's going back, and I might just wait to get one from the store itself. It was the only thing I had to pay shipping on, doesn't that figure? The bassinet, stroller and car seat are all wonderful. If I could just figure out what to do with these huge boxes...

This morning, I managed to get myself out of bed relatively early. It seemed like a beautiful day, other than still not feeling well. I turn on the television, to what... Another school shooting. Right Here in suburban Atlanta. About an hour after it happened.

Dear gods, why?

So far, from what I've seen, no one was killed there, thankfully. My father was just telling me the other day, he had only ten full days left in the school year; they couldn't have had much more to go here.

Here's to hoping for a better afternoon, and that I'll have much less to worry about for the rest of the week. I'm so tired from the horrible polarized feelings I've had this week. Hugs and love to all of my family and friends, I think I could use some in return if y'all get a chance...

silence

I'm sorry I haven't had much to say these past few days. I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to catch up with my life. You'd think it would be easy, to keep things together, being home all day long. But, I must admit, I find it difficult to organize my thoughts and actions on some days. Let alone sit down here in front of the computer, and write journal entries.

When I can't organize my thoughts, I become silent. Which is not something I'd like to be here in my journal, or even something I like when I'm in person with someone, trying to talk. I feel all mixed up, and I like to choose my words carefully. There are some times when I can't choose any words at all.

So, I'm sorry for being silent. And I'll do my best to give you an idea of why I've been silent, since my last entry.

First of all, Wednesday night, I had told those of you on my mailing list that I had been invited to a 'party' in my honour, with the people that I used to work with at school. No one had called me with directions, so I ended up having to call myself. That should have been bad sign number one...

But I got ready, regardless, and went.

I arrived to this place about twenty five minutes after it had started, because it was way the hell away from where I live, and a whole lot farther away from the school than I had originally thought, as well. I showed pictures of Savannah, and then proceeded to sit in silence until someone handed me some cards and a few gifts.

There were about a million places I'd have rather been then, than there. And all I could do was think about how long it would take me to get home, and how much I wanted to go be with Savannah. This was such a waste of my time.

As another little tidbit of information about these people, I've received maybe two phone calls, the entire time I've been gone asking how I've been doing, or how Savannah's been. They haven't precisely shown me any overwhelming outpouring of love and concern since I've been gone. And that has not helped my opinion of them in the meantime.

Then, the school director/owner started the staff meeting, while I was finishing looking at my gifts and thanking people. I was trapped. And considering everything, it was entirely the last place on this earth that I wanted to be. And it wasn't fair, as I didn't want to seem ingrateful, and get up and go. I didn't want to be rude and interrupt her meeting, to say good-bye and leave. I was stuck there, wasting my time with people who don't truly care about me, people who certainly weren't paying me to be there, as before. I was angry and frustrated, and completely trapped by my good manners.

The bit of stuff we got from this 'party' wasn't worth my wasting my time. That may be rude and ungrateful, but my priorities are not the same as they used to be, either.

Thursday and Friday, I actually did some cleaning and some laundry, which I really needed to do, and had been putting off. Also, on Thursday, I discovered the joys of shopping online...

I know, I know... You're saying, gods, hasn't she been lurking around on the internet for over five years now, and she's just discovered this? And, it's not like I haven't bought anything online before, because, I have. But, I went baby shopping, which I've wanted to do for a long time, and did it on the internet. It was eversomuch fun!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I worked at Wal*Mart for over three years, and loved Wal*Mart for most of that time. Since I quit working for Wal*Mart, almost two years ago, I've hardly gone shopping there at all. I needed a break after _having_ to be there every day for so long. But, I miss Wal*Mart. And they do have some great stuff, especially at Wal*Mart Online. Heehee.

I found a beautiful bassinet there, much cheaper than a lot of other places I had looked, and it was exactly what I wanted for a decent price too. I also found a stroller/car seat/carrier combo that I had wanted as well. So, I ordered them. There are no shipping charges, and they deliver this stuff right to my door, for gods sake! All I needed was my computer with modem, and my credit card. Yay!

I have no clue when they might get here, but I'm not in a big hurry right now. I don't know when Savannah's coming home either, but I should get this stuff before she does.

I've informed Wallace that I'm doing most of our shopping like this from now on, especially for things like holiday gift and such. It gives me a way to spend my time, when I'm here at home alone.

So, I promise not to be silent for this long again. I know many of you who read on a regular basis worry about how Savannah is, and how I'm doing sometimes. And I don't want you to worry. We're all doing fine, and I'll find some other stories to tell on another day. I'm waiting until the silence is broken here at home, and don't feel so mixed up all time, having Savannah home will smooth all of that out, I'm sure of it.

monotony

Being at home alone is often boring. I don't do much on most days. I sit at the computer, watch tv, straighten up and clean the apartment, sleep... Fairly unexciting stuff. I look forward to writing here in my journal, but some days, I can't even find anything to write about either. Or at least not anything anyone might want to read about, anyway.

My days are often slow and boring. They are often filled with daydreams of having Savannah here at home, and what my life and daily schedule might be like when she arrives. But, if not for those daydreams and happy thoughts, it would be much more difficult to get out of bed each day.

I don't like the monotony of my days, but they are worth it when the end result is having Savannah at home with me, all the time. And being able to share all of my daily life with her, will make the days fun and interesting. I'm looking forward to everything.

Also now, Savannah's days are most certainly monotonous, filled with regularly scheduled treatments, medicines, feedings and very little changes in her care. She's doing well, you see, and so for her, her monotony is a welcome thing. The doctors are watching for a lot, but right now the most she needs to do is continue along her path, and grow.

Wallace and I almost always visit Savannah at the hospital at about the same time every day. We arrive around 8:15pm and usually stay until about 10pm. Our evenings are spent participating in her care with diaper changes and baths. And we get to hold her now, and luckily, with the generous nurses we've had, it's usually for as long as it's alright with Savannah. We read her stories, sing to her, kiss her forehead and gently rub our noses with her tiny one. It's magical, and one of the things that I can always look forward to in my day. That kind of monotony is also a welcome one.

I look forward to the days when we can do more. I look forward to helping her learn how to feed from a bottle. I look forward to her not needing the extra oxygen to breathe. I look forward to each and every gram that she gains along the way. Each of these brings us a step closer to bringing her home, where we desperately want her to be.

I don't know when Savannah will be able to see the sunlight and breathe fresh mown-grass scented air. I don't know when she'll be able to gaze at the moon, or listen to the birds sing. I don't know when she will be able to feel a breeze in her hair, or when she will finally be coming through our door to come home. But, I do know how much I look forward to sharing all of these experiences with her. And how wonderful it will be to find another monotonous schedule here at home with her.

The only dream I hope to come true in the next couple of months is for the three of us to come together finally, as a family, and have it be in our home.

normalcy

'Did you have a nice Mother's Day?', the nurse asked me last night.
'Yeah,' I said. 'It's looking much better now...', as I pulled the cover up off of Savannah's isolette.
And it would be even better, before it was over.

. . .

It still continues to amaze me how kind and thoughtful and wonderful most of my friends and family are... How people have thought about all of us, as we've been going through this. The wonderful gifts and money they've sent for Savannah, and the cards I've received from people close to me, and others not so close. It's made me feel so good to know how much people care.

Yesterday, of course, was especially wonderful for me, being Mother's Day. I wasn't supposed to be celebrating yesterday, if things had gone otherwise, but I was so glad to have my sweet baby girl, and to be a mommy on Mother's Day. I felt really special, and it was a great feeling.

Wallace and Savannah gave me the most wonderful cards. Nana sent me a card, my former employer sent me a card, my sweet friend, Tara sent me a card. And I've heard from other people that they are sending things on the way for me. I'm so lucky.

But, last night, going in to see Savannah... I also had a card and gift waiting too, from Savannah. The nurses at the hospital made a beautiful handmade card, with Savannah's handprint on the front, holding a bouquet of flowers with a message inside. It was so sweet and thoughtful.

The nurses and volunteers at the hospital do so much for the children in the NICU. They make cards and knit little hats; they make little dresses for Savannah and the other children. Every little bit of it, helps to make us feel more normal as parents. It's difficult to explain, but it's so much nicer seeing your baby with a little dress on and a tiny bow in her hair. It just helps so much. I hope to volunteer for the hospital, after she gets out. Or do something to help them. They've been so kind to us.

I got to hold Savannah for a long time last night. Wallace and I sat and talked to her and read her books. She fell asleep in my arms, and for a few minutes, I forgot we were in the hospital. It was just Mommy and Daddy with Savannah as she fell asleep. It was the greatest Mother's Day gift I could have received. To feel normal, with my beautiful sleeping child in my arms, for a moment or two.

I can't tell you how much I love being Savannah's mommy.

touch

Most people only have to wait a few seconds or minutes. They have no idea how lucky they are... I had to wait 36 days, 7 hours, 30 minutes, and every painful and anxious second between then and now, but, I finally got to hold my baby. It was indescribable. But, I'll try...

I wasn't expecting it to be last night. I wasn't even really thinking about it, as I washed my hands to go in and see Savannah. But, we asked how much she weighed... and the nurse said, 'Get a gown. Who wants to hold her first?' I about passed out.

My dear sweet kind Wallace didn't even blink. He wanted me to get the first chance, after all this time, to hold her. What a gift it was, what a feeling. Thank you Wallace, for giving me that honor. I don't think I could ever thank you enough.

The nurse wrapped her up securely in one of those unattractive receiving blankets, and laid her gingerly into my awaiting arms. I sat sweating, under the heat lamps, smiling down at our beautiful child, trying to shield her eyes so she could see me past the bright lights.

Wallace wanted to take pictures, and so did the nurse... But, I couldn't have been farther away at that moment, and didn't care what they wanted. All I wanted was to finally be close to Savannah, touch her and smile at her, and let her know how much I love her, just by her feeling my arms around her. For one moment, it was just she and I in the whole world. And everything was beautiful.

She was very calm, and we both swear that she smiled more than once last night. Or at the very least, it looked like a smile. And she took my breath away.

I know that I can't relate to the normal birth experience of most women. How they feel at that moment, what they think. I do believe that a lot is taken for granted, unconciously. Since people who haven't gone through this, couldn't possibly understand what it feels like. All _I_ know, is that, I couldn't have appreciated this moment more than I did last night, and how it will be ingrained into my memory forever and how I will treasure the feelings that came along with it.

I didn't have a lot of time to hold her. There are still time limits, while she's this small. But, at least I can do it now. Every time I go to the hospital, it is something I can look forward to. And when the nurse took her gently back out of my arms, I burst into tears. I didn't want to let go.

Again, my dear sweet Wallace held me gently and let me cry, stroking my hair. And he didn't even get a chance to hold her yet.

Tonight, he will. And he'll know just how I felt. And he won't want to let her go either.

We both grinned and laughed and held hands, all the way home.

I'll never forget how lucky and blessed we are... And what a special moment this was.

families

I've always considered myself to be quite lucky for the way that I met Wallace. It was one of those right place at the right time kinds of things. We met online way before it was 'cool'. And we forged into territory unfamiliar to most people, and especially to either of us. I wouldn't have wished for it to be any other way. I love him, indescribably and without limits. And we are so lucky to have one another.

My family has always been a close one. My mother, father and sister were all I had for a very long time. Strained relationships among family members prevented me from having any kind of normal grandparent/grandchild kinds of relationships, for the most part. And, even to this day, with a cordial relationship with a few aunts and cousins, my parents and sister are truly my original family. So, in many ways, I had always hoped to marry someone with a larger family, or one that I could assimilate myself into at some point. In Wallace's family, I've finally gotten that wish.

From the very beginning of our relationship together, how fast and unorthodox it all was, they took me in, and came to love me. Wallace's mom is so easy to talk to and so sweet to me. Wallace's father is so kind and so cute, and always concerned about me. Wallace's sisters are very charming in their own unique ways. Wallace's nana, even for the infrequency that we get to talk to her, has been wonderful and has become my nana too. And, along with Wallace, I feel so lucky and blessed to have all of these people in my life.

I look forward to Savannah getting to know all of them. And loving all of them, as I do. For all of my family, I'm so lucky.

My mother gets sad when I have talked to her about who I consider to be my family, because all of the people that I include, I have chosen in one way or another. My dear friends are also included in my family, because I think that's important. I appreciate those who only call their blood relatives their family, but I think that family develops because of how people treat you and how much they care about you, and how you fit into their lives. I do have blood relatives alive, but I do not, unfortunately consider them to a be a part of my family.

Maybe this isn't the view I should have. But, I just think that love is so much more valuable than blood. Any way you look at it. What's the good of having blood-related family treat you like shit? I just don't get it.

I adore my family, my immediate family as well as all of those I have adopted along the way. These are the people who are most important to me, in this life. And I will always be thankful for them, appreciate them and feel lucky for having them in my life.

The reason I'm thinking about family today, was because Nana... our Nana sent me the most wonderful card today in the mail. It is a simple card about it being my first Mother's Day. And I cried all the way back from the mailbox, without even opening it. It was just a demonstration of why I feel that I finally have a nana, and it made me love her even more for her thinking of me.

I'm so lucky to finally have a Nana, and I know that Savannah will love her as much as I've come to, and appreciate the family that we have together; those who we've conciously chosen, and those we have not.

habits

I love having a routine. I love having order in my life. I love making lists and planning things out. I'm not always as good at being organized as I try to be, but man, I do love it when I can make it happen.

My life seems more in order when my apartment is clean, when I know what I'm doing from moment to moment, or day to day. My days seem to go more smoothly when I can plan things, or motivate myself to do things that I think I want to do.

I _used_ to be completely anally retentive about my personal spaces... Just ask Wallace. He hated it, and completely didn't understand it. But, being sweet as he was, and loving me, he put up with it. I had _a place_ for everything. And if it was out of place, my whole existance could fall apart. Thank gods, I'm not like that anymore. But, I still feel better with a sense of order in my life.

After Savannah was born, most everything was thrown out of whack. My eating habits, my sleeping habits, my whole schedule of weekdays and weekends, they all seem almost totally random to me.

That has been a difficult adjustment.

I've finally begun to reset my entire routine, and allow for this change. But change like this is often really difficult for me. I'm lucky that I have some time to reorient myself, before she comes home. Hopefully, by then, I'll be more ready.

The sleeping thing is starting to get to me though.

Last night, I was not feeling well at all when we came home from seeing Savannah. My tummy was upset, and we had made dinner at home. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so shitty. I took some Pepto-Bismol and passed out on the couch. Wallace woke me up at 3am, to tell me that he was going to bed, and that he hoped I would come too. I did, but not until almost three hours later.

Since I hadn't expressed when we got home from the hospital, when I was feeling so sick, I figured I needed to do that first. Then I started watching some bizarre movie, and couldn't turn it off. Then I figured, since I was still up I would check my email and stuff. Then, finally, I went to bed and tried like hell to ignore Wallace's snoring and his alarm going off at 5:30am, simultaneously. It took a while.

I had set my alarm for 8:30am, and proceeded to ignore it when it went off. Needless to say, I didn't roll my ass out of bed until ten minutes before noon.

Damn.

I mean, it's not like a had all these pressing things to do. Or that I am aware that I missed something somewhere this morning. It just serves to perpetuate my hideous schedule, and I'm quite sure this will just not do when Savannah is home with me. And I'm even more sure that if I continue this, it'll be just that much harder to adapt to her schedule when she comes home.

I'd rather fix it myself now, instead of waiting until then for it to be forcibly changed immediately when she's here. But, I lack the disipline to do it more quickly. I mean, this is the first real break I've had from work in almost a year. But, I'm totally aware that I'm not on vacation.

I am trying though.

Along with all the other things I'm trying to accomplish before she comes home, I can only hope that I can get my shit together to be a good mommy before she gets here, instead of trying to figure all of this out when she gets here. If I only could have the instilled magical habits my mother seemed to have, when I was growing up... maybe it does really just come with time.

extremes

'Do you have Savannah's room all ready for her at home, yet?', the nurse asked me at the hospital the other night...

'No, not yet...', I had replied.

'Are you close?', she had then asked.

'...Umn, no...', I replied nervously now.

. . .

Shit.

I think I've only recently arrived into the waiting for Savannah to be coming home mindset, rather than the wondering if she might be coming home mindset. That's probably horrible of me, but it's the way I had felt... especially when I had no idea about anything after she was born. And even less so about preemies.

We hadn't yet started getting ready for her. We hadn't started to shop for this and that for her. I mean gods, we didn't even know that she was a she until she was born. I hadn't been prepared for any of this at all.

In the past month, I've been very tentative about actually going out to buy things, although we have looked a bit. And Saturday, when this conversation transpired between myself and the nurse... we had been out looking to buy a bassinet at Babies 'R Us, only an hour before. Although I have discovered now, I must be really picky, since I couldn't find one I liked there, and they had like four different ones to pick from. Geesh.

I didn't want to make a place for Savannah to come home to, until I knew with more certainty that she might be coming home. I'm constantly reminded of her not being with me, in just looking around at small things in our apartment... And it's sad, but a more tolerable sadness when I imagine what it might be like when she is home with me all the time. I mean, if something were to happen, I'd drive myself crazy just being here with any of her things.

So, I suppose in many ways, I've been guarded... Although, I'm very sure I haven't been pessimistic, and I haven't guarded my love for her at all either. Emotionally, all of this has been so difficult, and I've guarded myself against being ready for her, and the daydreams of having her here, in my arms, in our home.

I constantly accuse Wallace of not being able to find middle ground in various situations. I profess to be the great harmonious force in our relationship, since I usually don't rely on extremes for my opinions and observations. I don't always accomplish this, but I do try.

Now that emotions have shifted, and I don't exist in constant terror... I don't think there is a middle ground. I'm looking forward, when I was only breathing and thinking moment to moment, just a few short days ago. And I don't want to conceive of going back to that. Emotional extremes have permanently altered in my mind, and I don't want to find a middle ground or go back.

I don't know if I'll ever appreciate how lucky we are; I mean really understand it. But I do know that this is an extreme that I can live with... my overpowering love for Savannah, and my hope for our future, together.