i haven't had much to say. i've been both busy and not. i've been stressing and worried and happy and pleased. i've been giving my words to my beautiful new paper journal selfishly, and wandering online, mostly aimlessly.
i spend time actively wishing i could have someone come clean and straighten my house, and passively watching it remain the same mess it has been for a while now.
i wander from room to room, alternatively enjoying the fresh air coming in the windows and then frowning at the bright yellow pollen which has now invaded the inside of my house.
i watch savannah explore the backyard, fascinated by rocks and dandelions and caterpillars. i listen to the breeze blowing through the trees, and smoke cigarettes while sipping my wonderful coffee.
i have mowed the grass, and trimmed the shrubs and even fired up the chainsaw, in an attempt to make our front yard a little prettier. i'm still sore from all that.
i have largely drifted away from watching the news, or much tv at all really. i have chatted with my mom on the phone, trying to help her seem even remotely tech-savvy. i have climbed into bed with savannah, almost every morning, to snuggle her and enjoy that quiet sweetness of conversations with her first thing in the morning.
i have gotten up early with wallace a couple of times, and slept in on other days -- which i feel badly about, and hope to do better with next week. i really like being up early, i just don't much care for the transition from sleep to awake, early in the morning.
i have been lazy about cooking, but have spent hours compiling new recipes to try. i still have grocery shopping to do, but it hardly ever ends up being much fun, so i put it off further.
and, for the first time in almost a year i am not freaking out about how we will pay rent next month, or anything else. and that is a welcome change from our usual routine.
savannah and i plan to clean today and work on coloring easter eggs. when wallace gets home, we are planning to look for other easter bunny kinds of things for savannah. and, i am so looking forward to going to brunch on sunday, although i have nothing at all to wear.
eventually, when you really hit the bottom of something, it has to go in the opposite direction again. we're rising slowly from that bottom. we haven't gotten many breaks in life. and, i don't expect them. but one every once in a while, so does help to prevent me from hating the whole world, and everything in it.
and, even occasionally, i get to be quietly happy and content, if only for a moment or two. i hope to hang onto this one as long as i can.
Posted by lara at April 18, 2003 11:58 AM | TrackBack