yesterday was savannah's 4th birthday. this is for her:
dearest savannah,
has it really been 4 years? it seems like you've been around always, sometimes... and other times, as if i've just met you.
you are no longer the baby i once knew; you are a fascinating complicated little girl. you make me laugh, and sometimes make me cry. and your grip on my heart just seems to get tighter and tighter each day.
i used to worry about you a lot when you were younger. now, i worry about the things beyond you. the world that i love and hate simultaneously, and the things and people in it.
i am teetering on the brink of having to share you with this wonderful and evil world. i am about to see you strike out on your own, to experience things without me, on your way to becoming the person that you will eventually be.
i am happy and sad and exhilirated and terrified.
of all the things in my life that i have never wanted to share, this is the hardest. i don't want to share you. the world does not deserve you. and, i don't want to let you go.
i wish that the world was not such a different place than it was when i was four. i wish that the things that have embedded themselves in my mind were not there... columbine. september 11th. the war, today.
and, while i am vaguely concerned for myself how any of these things will affect me twenty years from now... i am truly scared for you.
but, i know that i have to let you go.
and, i have loved watching you become who you are today. and, i can't wait to see who you are tomorrow. i love to watch you grow, as bittersweet as it can be. because you become even more wonderful, with each day i know you.
i have so many wishes for you. but, most importantly of all, i want you to be happy. as happy as you can be.
and, i thank you for mornings like this, when i wake you up and we snuggle and giggle in your bed together. i thank you for your sweet smile when i tell you good morning. and, i thank you for even your uncooperative-ness when i ask you to go potty after you get up. i know times like these, and mornings like these are numbered.
all too soon, we will be in too much of a hurry to lounge in bed when you wake up. and you'll have to be off to go to school. and i'll have to make sure you're ready to go.
you are growing up so quickly. and, i will only get to watch my little girl grow up once. so, i'm doing the best that i can. and trying to pay attention, even when i make mistakes sometimes.
you make me so happy and proud, with everything you can now do. and, i can only hope that i've done well enough to give you a good start. i hope that i've given you all that you'll need, so that it will stay with you, even when i am not around.
know how much i love you, no matter what and know how lucky i feel for every single day i get to spend with you. i wouldn't trade anything, for the complete joy i've felt in getting the chance to be your mommy. not. one. thing.
so, my dearest, i wish you a happy fourth birthday. and everything that goes along with that. you deserve the best of everything, today and every day.
i love you always,
mommy