I love having a routine. I love having order in my life. I love making lists and planning things out. I'm not always as good at being organized as I try to be, but man, I do love it when I can make it happen.
My life seems more in order when my apartment is clean, when I know what I'm doing from moment to moment, or day to day. My days seem to go more smoothly when I can plan things, or motivate myself to do things that I think I want to do.
I _used_ to be completely anally retentive about my personal spaces... Just ask Wallace. He hated it, and completely didn't understand it. But, being sweet as he was, and loving me, he put up with it. I had _a place_ for everything. And if it was out of place, my whole existance could fall apart. Thank gods, I'm not like that anymore. But, I still feel better with a sense of order in my life.
After Savannah was born, most everything was thrown out of whack. My eating habits, my sleeping habits, my whole schedule of weekdays and weekends, they all seem almost totally random to me.
That has been a difficult adjustment.
I've finally begun to reset my entire routine, and allow for this change. But change like this is often really difficult for me. I'm lucky that I have some time to reorient myself, before she comes home. Hopefully, by then, I'll be more ready.
The sleeping thing is starting to get to me though.
Last night, I was not feeling well at all when we came home from seeing Savannah. My tummy was upset, and we had made dinner at home. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so shitty. I took some Pepto-Bismol and passed out on the couch. Wallace woke me up at 3am, to tell me that he was going to bed, and that he hoped I would come too. I did, but not until almost three hours later.
Since I hadn't expressed when we got home from the hospital, when I was feeling so sick, I figured I needed to do that first. Then I started watching some bizarre movie, and couldn't turn it off. Then I figured, since I was still up I would check my email and stuff. Then, finally, I went to bed and tried like hell to ignore Wallace's snoring and his alarm going off at 5:30am, simultaneously. It took a while.
I had set my alarm for 8:30am, and proceeded to ignore it when it went off. Needless to say, I didn't roll my ass out of bed until ten minutes before noon.
Damn.
I mean, it's not like a had all these pressing things to do. Or that I am aware that I missed something somewhere this morning. It just serves to perpetuate my hideous schedule, and I'm quite sure this will just not do when Savannah is home with me. And I'm even more sure that if I continue this, it'll be just that much harder to adapt to her schedule when she comes home.
I'd rather fix it myself now, instead of waiting until then for it to be forcibly changed immediately when she's here. But, I lack the disipline to do it more quickly. I mean, this is the first real break I've had from work in almost a year. But, I'm totally aware that I'm not on vacation.
I am trying though.
Along with all the other things I'm trying to accomplish before she comes home, I can only hope that I can get my shit together to be a good mommy before she gets here, instead of trying to figure all of this out when she gets here. If I only could have the instilled magical habits my mother seemed to have, when I was growing up... maybe it does really just come with time.
Posted by lara at May 4, 1999 10:09 AM