'Do you have Savannah's room all ready for her at home, yet?', the nurse asked me at the hospital the other night...
'No, not yet...', I had replied.
'Are you close?', she had then asked.
'...Umn, no...', I replied nervously now.
. . .
Shit.
I think I've only recently arrived into the waiting for Savannah to be coming home mindset, rather than the wondering if she might be coming home mindset. That's probably horrible of me, but it's the way I had felt... especially when I had no idea about anything after she was born. And even less so about preemies.
We hadn't yet started getting ready for her. We hadn't started to shop for this and that for her. I mean gods, we didn't even know that she was a she until she was born. I hadn't been prepared for any of this at all.
In the past month, I've been very tentative about actually going out to buy things, although we have looked a bit. And Saturday, when this conversation transpired between myself and the nurse... we had been out looking to buy a bassinet at Babies 'R Us, only an hour before. Although I have discovered now, I must be really picky, since I couldn't find one I liked there, and they had like four different ones to pick from. Geesh.
I didn't want to make a place for Savannah to come home to, until I knew with more certainty that she might be coming home. I'm constantly reminded of her not being with me, in just looking around at small things in our apartment... And it's sad, but a more tolerable sadness when I imagine what it might be like when she is home with me all the time. I mean, if something were to happen, I'd drive myself crazy just being here with any of her things.
So, I suppose in many ways, I've been guarded... Although, I'm very sure I haven't been pessimistic, and I haven't guarded my love for her at all either. Emotionally, all of this has been so difficult, and I've guarded myself against being ready for her, and the daydreams of having her here, in my arms, in our home.
I constantly accuse Wallace of not being able to find middle ground in various situations. I profess to be the great harmonious force in our relationship, since I usually don't rely on extremes for my opinions and observations. I don't always accomplish this, but I do try.
Now that emotions have shifted, and I don't exist in constant terror... I don't think there is a middle ground. I'm looking forward, when I was only breathing and thinking moment to moment, just a few short days ago. And I don't want to conceive of going back to that. Emotional extremes have permanently altered in my mind, and I don't want to find a middle ground or go back.
I don't know if I'll ever appreciate how lucky we are; I mean really understand it. But I do know that this is an extreme that I can live with... my overpowering love for Savannah, and my hope for our future, together.