Yesterday was Savannah's 1st birthday. This is a letter for her:
. . . . .
To my dearest Savannah,
Today is your first birthday, and I hardly understand where the past twelve months have gone. It seems like only yesterday I was in the hospital, clinging to the Polaroid picture I was given of you. Wondering how you were, if you were in pain, when I might get to see you in person. I was so scared. But, it turned out to be the happiest day of my life...
30 March 1999 was a very pretty day. I had gotten up for work, and I told your Daddy I didn't feel well. I didn't want to go to work. It wasn't something specifically wrong, but I'm so glad my body seemed to know that you were in such trouble.
I called the doctor when I arrived at work, and waited for her to call back, to let me know what she thought I should do. The kids were coming in by then, as I was getting the classroom ready to start the day.
Finally, the doctor called me back, and she was concerned that I hadn't felt you moving much. She told me to come in right away. I had no idea that I wouldn't be coming back to school to work ever again.
I was concerned, but not overly so as I drove to the doctor's office. I had the windows down, and it was a warm morning, bright with lots of sunshine. We listened to the radio, and it was the last time for a quite a while that I'd feel as carefree as I did during that drive.
They took me in, and decided to do an ultrasound to see what might be going on with you, and to figure out what might be wrong. No one said it right away, but I could tell by the looks they were giving one another something was very wrong. They all talked in whispers, and I started to cry, because I wanted you to be okay.
The doctor told me that you were not doing well in my tummy. You weren't getting the food and air you needed, and that you probably hadn't grown much at all since February, when we had the our last ultrasound. They told me I needed to go to the hospital right away, but I didn't realize that might mean you would be born later that day.
I was hardly able to speak when I called your Daddy at work, to tell him we had to go to the hospital. I just kept crying and was so scared that something might happen to you.
I don't know how I made it to Daddy's office. I don't know how I managed to drive to the hospital. When we were waiting to be admitted to the hospital, I called your Nana and Papa, who were on their way to Atlanta to spend Easter with us. I told them that you might be born, while they were on their way. And, I think they were both glad that they had already planned to come that day.
The nurse who came to our room was very nice. And she helped a lot in making things slightly less scary. But, everything happened really quickly, once I was there. They strapped a monitor around my tummy, to listen for your heartbeat and I think they knew fairly soon, that you needed to be outside of me, so they could take care of you better than I could.
The epidural shot hurt a lot, especially since I was so nervous to begin with, but... soon, I was on my way to the operating room. And Daddy came in before they started the c-section, all dressed up in hospital clothes.
At 1:34pm, you were born. I heard your tiny cry and Daddy got to see you, as the doctors held you up. I didn't see you right away, and I think I'll always be sad about that. They gave me a picture a few hours later, but... I'm just sorry I didn't see you until the next day.
I'm sorry I didn't do better. I'm sorry that you had to be born so early. I'm sorry you had to be on a ventilator, and that you had to be in the hospital for so long. I'm sorry I couldn't breastfeed you directly. I'm sorry that the first year of your life has been so difficult at times.
I don't think I'll ever be able to make you understand how much I love you, how lucky I feel that you are with me today to celebrate your first birthday or how much you've taught me about life and love and determination during this past year. I don't know if you'll ever understand how special you are, not just to me or to your Daddy... you are extraordinary, really. Just because you Are.
But, you know... I'll never be able to give you a hard time about 'I went through some many hours of labour and pain to have you'. It was quick. And the process of 'having' you was painless. It was the waiting and hoping for you that hurt me so much. Waiting to hold you. Waiting for you to breathe on your own. Waiting for you to be able to drink from a bottle. Waiting for you to be able to come home.
Thank you for picking your Daddy and I as your parents. Thank you for fighting so hard and doing so much to be able to come home with us. Thank you for the way you smile at me when I pick you up out of your crib every morning. Thank you for all your goofy faces and for your beautiful laugh. Thank you for every day you give me the chance to love you more than I thought possible only the day before...
Being your Mommy makes me incomparably happy and proud.
So, happy first birthday my little Sweet Pea... And know that I am trying as hard as I can every day to be the best Mommy to you that I can...
I love you always and forever,
Mommy