I need a shower. My house is in a partially controlled state of disarray. My head aches from lack of adequate sleep. And, I have only gotten dressed twice in the last six days, but... I've never been happier in my whole life. I feel fulfilled.
This is really hard. There are lots of things to do, and most all of my attention is focused on Savannah and what she needs and wants. And this is only the beginning. It hasn't even been a week yet. I have the rest of my life to spend concentrating on my child, and doing the best that I can for her. And I love it. I hope to always be able to say that, but I feel so worthwhile and happy doing so right now.
Wallace and I are now closer and better in tune with one another than we've ever been before in our relationship. We look out for each other, try to help each other, and love each other more and more each day. I knew it had started after Savannah was born, but it has deepened quite a bit since last Thursday. That is a wonderful feeling as well.
She's napping a bit right now, and has been for a good portion of the afternoon. Other mommies I know tell me that means she's doing a lot of good growing. I hope they are right. She still fairly small, but getting bigger all the time. She hit the five pound mark Monday at the pediatrician's office on Monday.
I had a beautiful moment with Savannah last night, about 4am when she couldn't go back to sleep... We were sitting in the darkened living room, listening to a cd of lullabies we bought the other day. She peered up at me, and then out to the screen porch with her huge beautiful dark blue eyes. I watched her face as the white lights strung around the ceiling of the screen porch made her eyes sparkle, and then I could see my shadowed reflection in them, as she looked back at me. She just took my breath away. She made some of her endearing 'chipmunk-type' sounds, and she smiled at me.
At that moment, I didn't care about anything but how beautiful she was and is. I'd stay up all night, every night, just to be with her and share those moments with her. It sort of makes me think of the Aerosmith song from 'Armageddon', "Don't Want to Miss A Thing". It made me feel like that.
. . . . .
I did go out last weekend, for the first time in like half a decade, to a club. Wallace and I went out with Ms. Maura and her friend, Paul to celebrate her birthday. We went out to 'The Chamber', here in Atlanta. And for anyone who knows me well, they know that I'd talked about trying to go, ever since we moved to Atlanta. But, I'd been intimidated by the genre of club it was supposed to be. (A leather and BDSM fetish club.)
After we arrived, I had no idea what I had been intimidated about. It was _okay_. Not great, not bad, but certainly not intimidating. What was I thinking?
We did stay fairly late, and ended up going out to an all-night taco place to chat afterwards. I felt really horrid the next morning, and I realized that I don't miss that scene at all, clubbing scene that is... And I won't be doing that again anytime soon.
But, I will most definitely watch the sunrise with my daughter, after being up all night, anytime she wants me to. And I'll love it.
I know what it is like to be fulfilled.