Since I've been home, I haven't watched a lot of tv. I'm not much of a tv watcher anyway; I opt for education shows mostly, with an occasional episode of 'Friends' or 'South Park' thrown in for fun. Most other tv, I find mindless and boring as hell, mostly. Although, I enjoy movies... but it's rare for me to find something on our pay movie channels that I haven't already seen, and usually seen more than once.
In the past week or so, though, I have found myself turning on the tv more often... after the shooting at Columbine High School in Littleton, CO. I watch it; but it hurts terribly. And I'm not totally sure why I keep watching...
It hurts me deeply on a variety of levels; as a daughter of an elementary school principal who fears for her father, as a friend to many people working in public and private education, as a prospective teacher someday, and as a new mother, terrified of what 'things might be like' when Savannah is old enough to be going to school. Public education has been a part of my life, all of my life... And I can't figure out what in world has happened to children, to all of us in this society, for this to even be something that isn't a first, or even extremely unusual.
It scares me a lot that things seem to have changed so much since I was in middle school, or high school. Not just with mass killings happening at schools, but with everything in general. I had once thought I wanted to be a journalist, but I changed my mind when I saw how journalism... even mainstream journalism seemed to be more of a subjective view of the world, as opposed to an objective. Even I doubt with the events occurring around us, that I could be objective as well.
Wallace has been talking a lot about the shootings, and about violent children in general. It's hard to participate in these conversations, especially with the issue lying so close to my heart. And I also imagine, neither one of us, with our intelligence or personal feelings, could ever come up with a good idea of how to help solve these problems.
'I would never do something to willingly put Savannah in danger...' That was all I could contribute. But we're responsible for making choices for Savannah, as all parents are. I want to make all the right decisions, but I know that I won't. I'm not perfect. And I can only hope that my mistakes are very minor ones.
Being a new parent, the responsibility for a whole other person, beyond myself is paralyzing. I realized this very early on, right after Savannah was born... when she had to have surgery. She had heart-surgery to repair an artery that was underdeveloped, because of her prematurity. She needed to have it done, but there was a risk involved, as with any other surgery. I hardly breathed all day, until we heard from the doctor to tell us that everything had gone perfectly. If something did happen, I would be responsible, along with Wallace. And I'd rather die than be responsible for anything that could hurt my baby.
Getting back to my thoughts on the shootings, I feel greatly that parents are _very_ responsible for their children. And when something like this happens, I can't help but think that something went wrong in the relationship between the children who did this, and their parents. I realize there are other factors involved, but to me, it does come down to knowing your children, knowing what they are doing, what they are interested in, what they think about things. I want to be a friend to Savannah, as well as a parent. And I want to have the kind of relationship where she would always be able to talk to me, no matter what the topic.
I also want her to grow up around other people who care enough about their children to be responsible for them, to teach them compassion and kindness for others, to teach them to communicate properly, to teach them how to go on to be responsible for themselves.
In the confusion and sadness of the shootings in Littleton, CO, I do hope that it can serve to help others to be responsible for their children and love them as much as they can, and remind them of it often.
Beyond being responsible for Savannah, I hope to spend the rest of my life telling her how wonderful she is, how proud of her we are, and how much I love her, even though I will never come close to finding the words to express that feeling. I'm just going to try.