the road not taken

patience

One's inability to be patient is partly a symptom of one's age and maturity and also partly a result of one's upbringing. I can be very patient in some aspects of my life, and running headfirst into other parts. Either one of these, in excess, can get one in trouble. So, finding a balance between the two can pose a challenge. But I am trying to do just that...

I think that many of my expectations of how might life might have been, have changed quite drastically. And this is due to many things, including the birth of Savannah. I had formed ideas in my mind about how soon I might do some things, how my wedding might have been, and what it would be like when I did have children, etc. I'm quite the dreamer, dealing with things like this. I've been imagining these things in my mind, since I was very small. Most things, I've been quite pleased to find out that they've been much better than in my daydreams... But, it's hard for me to be patient about some things, no matter how hard I try.

First of all, I'm extremely impatient about feeling better and recovering from my surgery. It's so difficult for me to want to do things, and not really being capable of doing them, given the limitations I have while I'm healing. I spent a good portion of my weekend cleaning our apartment, for myself and so it would look nice for Maura when she came to visit me yesterday. And, I overdid it. I'm hurting and sore. But, I was glad that it got finished. And it makes me happy that our home looked nice for Maura, as well as now... I'm looking around and things are clean and orderly. And that helps me to feel as if I have some control in my life, when I seem to have such little control over most things.

This is also the same reason that I keep a 'Book of Doom' kind of organizer, a DayRunner brand zippered kind of thing. It keeps things in order, especially when I feel like I have so little control in my life. I've not used it a lot lately, as I don't have much to organize when I sit at home most days, and plan moment to moment what I feel like doing next.

I have listed on my basics page, things which I like and things which I dislike. My lack of control over time is listed with the things I dislike. I keep trying to find some way to control it, but it is something that I will never win. But the struggle does serve to keep things interesting most of the time.

Savannah is another matter, altogether. I'm impatient to be able to hold her, to bring her home, to spend every moment with her. And I can't do any of those things, yet. I know that she is doing well, and mostly just needs time; to grow, to get stronger, to be ready to be home with me. I don't want to rush her, or have her feel rushed because I know that all things come in due time. And right now is just not the time for her. And I hope to have so much more time with her, than this little bit that I need to wait and watch her from afar.

So, I suppose, even if all these other things do drive me quite crazy, I can learn to be more patient for Savannah, and in the long run, it'll make me an even better mom that I think I can be now.

As a whole other personal aside, I had the most wonderful day yesterday. I got to meet Maura in person for the first time yesterday. We shared pictures and talked and talked. She's wonderful, and I'm sooo looking forward to being able to spend more time with her soon.

Also, yesterday, we had a great visit with Savannah. And she's doing so well, with everything. They took her central line IV out, and she's getting almost all of her nutrition from my breastmilk right now. That makes me indescribably happy, and glad that _I_ can be the one to be helping her with that. She's getting more alert and active all the time, and she's so much fun to visit with when she's awake. It's so difficult not to reach into her isolette and pick her up... hold her and kiss her tiny wrinkled forehead and nose. But, it should be soon, as she only has about five more ounces to go, until she's at two pounds and we can hold her. I can't wait!

I'm just counting the hours and minutes, until I can be sitting here in her room with her, instead of with this computer... And, hopefully, it won't be as far away as I might think.