the road not taken

silence

I'm sorry I haven't had much to say these past few days. I've been doing a lot of thinking and trying to catch up with my life. You'd think it would be easy, to keep things together, being home all day long. But, I must admit, I find it difficult to organize my thoughts and actions on some days. Let alone sit down here in front of the computer, and write journal entries.

When I can't organize my thoughts, I become silent. Which is not something I'd like to be here in my journal, or even something I like when I'm in person with someone, trying to talk. I feel all mixed up, and I like to choose my words carefully. There are some times when I can't choose any words at all.

So, I'm sorry for being silent. And I'll do my best to give you an idea of why I've been silent, since my last entry.

First of all, Wednesday night, I had told those of you on my mailing list that I had been invited to a 'party' in my honour, with the people that I used to work with at school. No one had called me with directions, so I ended up having to call myself. That should have been bad sign number one...

But I got ready, regardless, and went.

I arrived to this place about twenty five minutes after it had started, because it was way the hell away from where I live, and a whole lot farther away from the school than I had originally thought, as well. I showed pictures of Savannah, and then proceeded to sit in silence until someone handed me some cards and a few gifts.

There were about a million places I'd have rather been then, than there. And all I could do was think about how long it would take me to get home, and how much I wanted to go be with Savannah. This was such a waste of my time.

As another little tidbit of information about these people, I've received maybe two phone calls, the entire time I've been gone asking how I've been doing, or how Savannah's been. They haven't precisely shown me any overwhelming outpouring of love and concern since I've been gone. And that has not helped my opinion of them in the meantime.

Then, the school director/owner started the staff meeting, while I was finishing looking at my gifts and thanking people. I was trapped. And considering everything, it was entirely the last place on this earth that I wanted to be. And it wasn't fair, as I didn't want to seem ingrateful, and get up and go. I didn't want to be rude and interrupt her meeting, to say good-bye and leave. I was stuck there, wasting my time with people who don't truly care about me, people who certainly weren't paying me to be there, as before. I was angry and frustrated, and completely trapped by my good manners.

The bit of stuff we got from this 'party' wasn't worth my wasting my time. That may be rude and ungrateful, but my priorities are not the same as they used to be, either.

Thursday and Friday, I actually did some cleaning and some laundry, which I really needed to do, and had been putting off. Also, on Thursday, I discovered the joys of shopping online...

I know, I know... You're saying, gods, hasn't she been lurking around on the internet for over five years now, and she's just discovered this? And, it's not like I haven't bought anything online before, because, I have. But, I went baby shopping, which I've wanted to do for a long time, and did it on the internet. It was eversomuch fun!

Anyone who knows me, knows that I worked at Wal*Mart for over three years, and loved Wal*Mart for most of that time. Since I quit working for Wal*Mart, almost two years ago, I've hardly gone shopping there at all. I needed a break after _having_ to be there every day for so long. But, I miss Wal*Mart. And they do have some great stuff, especially at Wal*Mart Online. Heehee.

I found a beautiful bassinet there, much cheaper than a lot of other places I had looked, and it was exactly what I wanted for a decent price too. I also found a stroller/car seat/carrier combo that I had wanted as well. So, I ordered them. There are no shipping charges, and they deliver this stuff right to my door, for gods sake! All I needed was my computer with modem, and my credit card. Yay!

I have no clue when they might get here, but I'm not in a big hurry right now. I don't know when Savannah's coming home either, but I should get this stuff before she does.

I've informed Wallace that I'm doing most of our shopping like this from now on, especially for things like holiday gift and such. It gives me a way to spend my time, when I'm here at home alone.

So, I promise not to be silent for this long again. I know many of you who read on a regular basis worry about how Savannah is, and how I'm doing sometimes. And I don't want you to worry. We're all doing fine, and I'll find some other stories to tell on another day. I'm waiting until the silence is broken here at home, and don't feel so mixed up all time, having Savannah home will smooth all of that out, I'm sure of it.

Posted by lara at May 16, 1999 03:53 PM