the road not taken

fate

Among the assorted uncommon beliefs I've come to hold during my lifetime, one of the strongest ones I possess is in fate. I feel that about half of what happens to someone in their life is fate, and the other half is free will. It's my opinion, that fate serves to teach us lessons that we may not have learned otherwise, on our own. Or, at least that's what I believe.

When I was nineteen years old, I was involved in a really serious car accident; one in which I probably should have been killed. My free will had me doing things that I shouldn't be doing, and my fate took over to make sure I got the attitude adjustment that I needed. I realized that I must have 'other things to do' in life, and my fate was not to lose my life then. It was a scary lesson, but one I do wholeheartedly believe I needed at the time, with the self-destructive path my free will had taken on.

Now, seven years later, I've begun to examine other events in my life which made no logical sense at the time, bad things, unpleasant things and good things and seen how they have affected other areas of my life, my relationships, my values, etc. When one is in the middle of a lesson from fate, it's almost impossible to see the justification for such a difficult real-life allegory. Ah, hindsight... Oh well.

Wallace and I were watching a rerun of a fairly popular sitcom the other evening. There was a comment made about babies that really stuck out to me, and rang true for a few different reasons. The couple on the show was talking about the impending arrival of their first child into the world, and the woman stated that she had heard that 'all babies choose their parents'. And I, believing in reincarnation, could completely relate to that. And then she asked, 'I wonder why our baby chose us?' And that question is one I've been pondering internally since hearing it.

I mean, I'm so thankful for my parents, whether I chose them or not. Although, right now, I don't think I would have picked any other parents, had I the chance. If I did indeed choose them, I think I made a good choice. And I'd also suppose that some of the bad parental choices one might see in life, with other children, might be some kind of cosmic retribution for past lives gone awry. Could be. I'm not sure.

But, I mean... Why us? It feels good to be _chosen_ for something like this, whether or not that is the way it is. I think that we need Savannah, as much as she needs us. She is our fate, as we are hers.

I've watched how, in the past two weeks since she was born, Wallace has become a wonderful daddy. I can't even describe how that fills me with joy. I can only hope that I can be the mommy that Savannah needs and wants. I'm ready and willing to try harder at that than anything else I've ever undertaken in my life. I do fully realize I won't be perfect, and I don't expect my dear Savannah to be perfect either. But, if this is our collective fate, I think we're already off to a really good start.

Since her arrival in our lives was our fate, I believe... now begins the choices of free will. And I can only hope that we have enough wisdom and confidence to make the right decisions from this point on.

And I'm so thankful that it wasn't my fate to die in that car accident seven years ago. I'm glad my fate was to be Savannah's mommy, instead...

Posted by lara at April 15, 1999 11:49 AM