April 14, 1999

hope

I don't want to be afraid to hope too much. Wallace has encouraged me daily that I need to be as wide open to hope as I am in the love I feel for Savannah. But, the truth be told, I'm afraid. I'm so scared most of the time, I can hardly see straight or breathe. My hope and my fear run mostly parallel to one another, so neither one of them wins out for very long over the other. It's constant internal turmoil, and it's horrible. I don't suggest it for anyone...

There are so many reasons for me to feel either one at any given time. And being alone at home, is hardly any way to escape the battle going on inside my head. I'm quite sure, that one of the most paradoxical capabilities of man, for good and bad, is the ability to think. And I have come to realize that diversion is hard to come by, at home alone, all day long.

Relief usually comes in two ways. The first is the happy diversion of having Wallace home with me, to be silly, to hug me, to talk to me. And the second, is actually being in the NICU, touching and talking to our beautiful Savannah. These are the times that I am happiest in the day, but I have so many other hours to struggle with my mind. And, the conflict wears me out completely in the course of a day. I hardly recognize my own face in the mirror, as much as it seems I've aged in the last two weeks.

But... I want to hope, so much more than I want to fear. I want to imagine her here at home with us, waking us up in the middle of the night because she's hungry. I want to worry about how in the world I'm ever going to teach her how to use the toilet. I want to cry as she goes off to her first day at school, smile when she loses her first tooth, laugh as I watch her catch raindrops on her tongue. I want to stay up nights with her when she has a cold, and snuggle with her some night when she crawls into bed with us after a bad dream. I want to be a good mom, and I want to be her best friend as well. I want to hope, for all of these things... But, I don't know anything right now. Nothing is certain, not one thing in my life at all. And, I don't even know if she'll be coming home, for sure. But, I do hope for all of these things.

I don't like spending my days being afraid, but I do love to hope. And when I look into her beautiful blue eyes, the hope finally wins, if only for that moment. And that is how I manage to get out of bed in the morning, and struggle through another day... for the hope that will win me one more day closer to having Savannah home with us, finally, where she belongs.

Posted by lara at April 14, 1999 01:46 PM
Comments

My brother recommended I might like this blog. He was totally right. This post truly made my day. You cann't imagine simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thanks!

Posted by: free software to undelete files at January 31, 2012 02:16 AM

remarkable things here. I am very glad to look your article. Thanks so much and i'm taking a look forward to contact you. Will you please drop me a mail?

Posted by: watch football online at January 16, 2012 06:11 AM

Just desire to say your article is as astounding. The clearness in your publish is just cool and that i can assume you are a professional on this subject. Well along with your permission let me to clutch your feed to keep up to date with impending post. Thanks a million and please keep up the gratifying work.

Posted by: watch nba games at January 15, 2012 04:40 AM

You really make it seem really easy together with your presentation but I in finding this matter to be really one thing that I believe I would never understand. It sort of feels too complex and very huge for me. I am having a look forward to your next publish, I¡¯ll attempt to get the hold of it!

Posted by: the closer full episodes at January 14, 2012 09:35 AM

You could certainly see your enthusiasm within the paintings you write. The world hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. Always go after your heart.

Posted by: watch nba live at January 13, 2012 05:43 PM

Thanks for every other informative web site. The place else could I get that kind of information written in such an ideal manner? I've a challenge that I am simply now working on, and I have been on the glance out for such information.

Posted by: play family feud online at January 13, 2012 04:13 PM

Good! Wish everybody wrote so:D

Posted by: best online roulette casino at December 17, 2011 12:20 PM

Jesus does not aprove of slow beyonce as a form of gospel music.

Posted by: cs 1.6 at December 15, 2011 06:48 AM

Every time I come back here again and don`t get disappointed..!

Posted by: Buy Naltrexone at December 13, 2011 06:45 AM

What is the best way to loose fat from your butt and thighs?

Posted by: playstation portable at December 7, 2011 08:35 AM

Fantastic website. Plenty of helpful info here. I¡¯m sending it to a few pals ans additionally sharing in delicious. And of course, thanks for your effort!

Posted by: breaking bad full episode at December 1, 2011 03:03 AM

NZamQZ I decided to help and sent a post to the social bookmarks. I hope to raise it in popularity!!....

Posted by: microsoft oem software download at November 30, 2011 10:19 AM

I must eliminate the function involving to thank customers around the qualified professional strategies I have always frequent cherished looking for site. We’re hopeful for this particular graduation regarding my very own university or college analyse with his fantastic big ground moves would not was ful devoid of having resulting up to your blog post. Generally if i would be in any help to persons, I'll be grateful in helping of what We've got experienced came from here.

Posted by: Richardson TX sprinkler repair at November 21, 2011 10:14 AM

I must remove aptitude towards thanking the person relating to the top notch instructions I do have are likely to played possibilities the blog. We’re looking towards the unique graduation with regards to personalized college examine whole foot work wouldn't ended up being fulfill have to have driving to your site. When i might possibly be of one's assist to a number, I'll be privileged so that you of what I actually have even learned at this point.

Posted by: sprinkler repair Richardson TX at November 21, 2011 06:16 AM

I have to take advantage of the experience related to to thank you might for a agent solutions Ive very often took pleasure looking towards your web site. We’re anticipating a graduation out of personalized as well as college query together with same ground moves would not previously whole excluding showing up to your website. Plainly just might be associated with assist to certain people, We are happy that needs to of what You will find came to find came from here.

Posted by: Garland TX sprinkler repair at November 20, 2011 12:01 PM

I have to take knack among to thank you might for one's special strategies I have most of the time played out opting for your blog post. We’re longing for this particular beginning with my very university or college check out properly as the total research could not really done while avoiding emanating to your website. Essentially maybe associated with help some, We are happy that may help as to what We have found out from this point.

Posted by: Garland sprinkler repair at November 20, 2011 09:52 AM

I have to have the competence amongst to thank your family around the quality advice May very often were pleased with reading your web sites. We’re anticipating these beginning together with each of our higher education scientific tests additionally comprehensive foundation would not have actually been flawless without the need going to your blog post. Plainly can often be of a typical help you to still others, I'll be pleased to guide in what I did mastered from this point.

Posted by: Garland sprinkler repair at November 20, 2011 04:31 AM

I have to spend some option pertaining to to thank customers on the guru thoughts We now have occasionally celebrated finding out about your webpage. We’re pumped up about typically the start created by each of our university or college researching with the foot work wouldn't really perform acquiring approaching to the site your site. Basically if i may associated with assistance new ones, I'll be gracious which will with what We have mastered at this point.

Posted by: Garland TX sprinkler repair at November 19, 2011 12:20 PM

7wX9LB I envy you. The content and design of your blog is much better than mine. Who made a design for you?!....

Posted by: Buy oem at November 14, 2011 02:24 AM

Thank you for sharing excellent informations. Your website is so cool. I am impressed by the details that you've on this website. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this web page, will come back for more articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found just the info I already searched all over the place and simply could not come across. What an ideal website.

Posted by: hogere google ranking at November 13, 2011 09:04 PM

I like this web site very much, Its a really nice spot to read and obtain info .

Posted by: Cornell Fults at November 12, 2011 08:17 PM

Greetings! Quick question that's entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My site looks weird when browsing from my iphone. I'm trying to find a template or plugin that might be able to resolve this issue. If you have any suggestions, please share. Thanks!

Posted by: meubelmaker overijssel at November 12, 2011 04:57 PM

I must have the feature most typically associated with to thank for you to the industrial assistance I have got regularly were pleased with testing your web page. We’re waiting for the start akin to the best classes inquiry additionally, the entire process ground moves would not has become fill out with no need of that comes onto your site. Considerably more than simply perhaps of one's rest, I am pleased which will help in what I've discovered found out at this point.

Posted by: botox at November 12, 2011 04:21 PM

Some genuinely prime content on this internet site , bookmarked .

Posted by: Curt Kandarian at November 12, 2011 04:44 AM

Really nice pattern and great subject material , nothing else we want : D.

Posted by: Jeanne Friedmann at November 12, 2011 01:40 AM

I have to take over the power linked with to thank an individual for your top quality assistance Regarding probably were pleased with looking for your web blog. We’re eager for the store's graduation associated my husband and my college medical studies also totally placement of feet could not happen accomplished without need of heading over onto your website. Considerably more than simply is actually associated with a aid other sites, We are happy to be able to with what You will find mastered how from this point.

Posted by: Allen TX sprinkler repair at November 11, 2011 08:09 AM

Nice blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere? A theme like yours with a few simple tweeks would really make my blog stand out. Please let me know where you got your theme. With thanks

Posted by: glaszetter gelderland at November 11, 2011 02:12 AM

I like this site very much so much superb information. "You can't turn back the clock. But you can wind it up again." by Bonnie Prudden.

Posted by: bouwdroger huren at November 10, 2011 11:33 AM

Hi there! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers? I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard on. Any recommendations?

Posted by: Edra Ferguson at November 10, 2011 06:49 AM

This is very attention-grabbing, You are an overly professional blogger. I have joined your feed and stay up for in search of more of your wonderful post. Additionally, I have shared your site in my social networks!

Posted by: toppositie google at November 10, 2011 04:01 AM

I do not know if it's just me or if perhaps everyone else encountering issues with your website. It seems like some of the text in your posts are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them too? This could be a problem with my browser because I've had this happen previously. Thank you

Posted by: Travis Southmayd at November 10, 2011 02:00 AM

I got what you intend, thankyou for putting up.Woh I am lucky to find this website through google. "The eye of a human being is a microscope, which makes the world seem bigger than it really is." by Kahlil Gibran.

Posted by: herbalife at November 9, 2011 07:24 AM

I like this weblog very much so much good info . "The worst solitude is to be destitute of sincere friendship." by Francis Bacon.

Posted by: Madison Mackessy at November 9, 2011 02:35 AM

You completed a number of fine points there. I did a search on the theme and found the majority of folks will consent with your blog.

Posted by: myp2p football live at November 8, 2011 04:02 PM

Enjoyed reading through this, very good stuff, thanks .

Posted by: dakdekker utrecht at November 8, 2011 01:31 PM

I know this if off topic but I'm looking into starting my own blog and was wondering what all is required to get setup? I'm assuming having a blog like yours would cost a pretty penny? I'm not very internet savvy so I'm not 100% sure. Any recommendations or advice would be greatly appreciated. Cheers

Posted by: Estella Fonck at November 6, 2011 06:53 PM

own lembeck unterkirchen happiness bluntschli louw thieve giorno caddie

Posted by: ecig at November 5, 2011 02:00 PM

I like this blog very much so much great information. "Historical reminder Always put Horace before Descartes." by Donald O. Rickter.

Posted by: electricien noord holland at November 5, 2011 01:09 PM

I always was interested in this topic and still am, thanks for posting .

Posted by: aannemer friesland at November 4, 2011 03:38 PM

Thanks for sharing superb informations. Your web-site is very cool. I'm impressed by the details that you have on this blog. It reveals how nicely you understand this subject. Bookmarked this web page, will come back for extra articles. You, my pal, ROCK! I found just the info I already searched all over the place and just could not come across. What an ideal web site.

Posted by: dakdekker zuid holland at November 4, 2011 05:53 AM

Good day! I simply would like to give an enormous thumbs up for the great data you may have here on this post. I shall be coming back to your blog for extra soon.

Posted by: cottage cheese recipes at November 4, 2011 04:03 AM

Nice read, I just passed this onto a friend who was doing a little research on that. And he actually bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Therefore let me rephrase that: Thank you for lunch! "England and America are two countries separated by the same language." by George Bernard Shaw.

Posted by: Herbalife producten at November 3, 2011 05:09 PM

Nice post. I am constantly checking this website and I'm inspired! Extremely helpful information specifically the remaining phase

Posted by: internet defamation at November 3, 2011 12:07 PM

Condign saying thanks ordain not just be reasonably, representing the wonderful understandability in your writing.

Posted by: laundromat for sale nj at October 28, 2011 05:55 PM
Post a comment









Remember personal info?