the road not taken

loser

One of my most annoying traits, I've come to discover about myself is my lack of focus, on anything, for any extended amount of time. I'm not precisely sure when I realized that I was this annoying, but... it has to stop. It's pissing me off.

I make a practice of either these two scenarios:

One:
I'll get an idea. I'll get so excited about that idea that it's just about all I can think about. I think and think and internalize and fantasize about it... and then I'll proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. Consequently forget about it.

I find another idea, get excited, etc. and then think again about the first thing. Get really depressed that I dropped it so easily. And still do nothing.

Two:
I'll plan to do something. Things like housework, laundry, making dinner, etc. I'll consider it, try to decide when I'll actually do it... and then proceed to ignore any rational timeframe, and do something else equally useless like watching tv or playing Mahjongg on the computer. And it continues to not get done. And, it depresses me everytime I see that room, that pile of clothes, the dishes on the counter.

. . . . .

I suck. And I'm pissing me off.

. . . . .

I love to organize things. When I can actually get off my ass and do it. I write lists for things like groceries, and things to do. And proceed to ignore them. I guess my problem is not the initiation, but rather, the follow-through. I have a hard time finishing things. I don't know why I'm like this.

Lara : "Hello. My name is Lara. And, I'm a loser..."

Large Group of Normal People : "Hello Lara."

Lara : "I always start things, but I never finish them..."

Large Group of Normal People : "You are a loser. That's so sad."

Lara : "But, how can I be more like normal people? I don't want to be a loser..."

Large Group of Normal People just sigh and shake their heads at me.

. . . . .

I want to be somebody Savannah can be proud of, that Wallace can be proud of, or my parents can be proud of, but right now, I'm not. Most of all, I want to be someone I can be proud of. I want to Do. I want to Be.

I don't make New Year's resolutions. Obviously. But, I want to make a resolution, to do better and be better. I know that's vague. But, at least, it's a start.

I talked with 'Sted yesterday about an idea I had. And she seemed to think it was a good idea, but... she tells me that most of the time I come to her with ideas about things. So, it's hard to say for sure if she really thinks it is a good idea, or if she just loves me and wants to make me feel good...

The next part for me is the hardest, of course, and that is the actual follow-through of doing something about my idea. And, I'm trying not to stall this time, but to really buck up and have a solid plan and goal in mind. Although, I can certainly find excuses for not doing things here. It's cold and rainy. And, I really need to clean my house.

But, I'm not letting my idea go, yet... I'm not giving up on this one. I just wish I knew what would help to keep me going. Motivation, without pushing. I guess I just really wished that I was more convinced that my ideas for things were better. I have a hard time believing myself, and believing in myself, a lot of the time.

Because the alternative would be: I could just start up a Loser's Anonymous Chapter here in Atlanta. But then, I'd have to follow through in organizing it.

I just don't want to suck anymore.

Posted by lara at April 14, 2000 04:44 PM