Being at home alone is often boring. I don't do much on most days. I sit at the computer, watch tv, straighten up and clean the apartment, sleep... Fairly unexciting stuff. I look forward to writing here in my journal, but some days, I can't even find anything to write about either. Or at least not anything anyone might want to read about, anyway.
My days are often slow and boring. They are often filled with daydreams of having Savannah here at home, and what my life and daily schedule might be like when she arrives. But, if not for those daydreams and happy thoughts, it would be much more difficult to get out of bed each day.
I don't like the monotony of my days, but they are worth it when the end result is having Savannah at home with me, all the time. And being able to share all of my daily life with her, will make the days fun and interesting. I'm looking forward to everything.
Also now, Savannah's days are most certainly monotonous, filled with regularly scheduled treatments, medicines, feedings and very little changes in her care. She's doing well, you see, and so for her, her monotony is a welcome thing. The doctors are watching for a lot, but right now the most she needs to do is continue along her path, and grow.
Wallace and I almost always visit Savannah at the hospital at about the same time every day. We arrive around 8:15pm and usually stay until about 10pm. Our evenings are spent participating in her care with diaper changes and baths. And we get to hold her now, and luckily, with the generous nurses we've had, it's usually for as long as it's alright with Savannah. We read her stories, sing to her, kiss her forehead and gently rub our noses with her tiny one. It's magical, and one of the things that I can always look forward to in my day. That kind of monotony is also a welcome one.
I look forward to the days when we can do more. I look forward to helping her learn how to feed from a bottle. I look forward to her not needing the extra oxygen to breathe. I look forward to each and every gram that she gains along the way. Each of these brings us a step closer to bringing her home, where we desperately want her to be.
I don't know when Savannah will be able to see the sunlight and breathe fresh mown-grass scented air. I don't know when she'll be able to gaze at the moon, or listen to the birds sing. I don't know when she will be able to feel a breeze in her hair, or when she will finally be coming through our door to come home. But, I do know how much I look forward to sharing all of these experiences with her. And how wonderful it will be to find another monotonous schedule here at home with her.
The only dream I hope to come true in the next couple of months is for the three of us to come together finally, as a family, and have it be in our home.
Posted by lara at May 12, 1999 12:36 PM