'Rest', the doctors tell me.
I don't know how to even begin to explain how hard this is for me to do... I mean, it's not like I'm any kind of health junkie, or exercise fiend by any stretch of the imagination. But, even when I was pregnant and working, and I'd happen to not be feeling well and staying home, I'd usually do something. I feel if I'm not working, I need to do something, i.e., wash dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. And right now, between feeling completely incapable of helping Savannah, and feeling helpless and not doing anything at home, I've concluded that I'm completely useless anywhere. I'm not any good for myself, or anyone else around me. I'm just not contributing anything right now. And I hate that.
I mean, if things had gone as planned, I would have had Savannah to bring home with me... Caesarean incision or not. And I would be at home, caring for her.
In all of my daydreams of finally having our baby, I never imagined that I'd be coming home from the hospital alone. And I hate this too.
I'm in mommy-limbo; expressing breast milk into bottles to save for her, since she can't digest anything yet, receiving gifts for her at home while she's in the hospital, and gazing at the cute little sign we got from the hospital, that proclaims, 'It's a girl!', and I'm not sure when I might be able to put it at our front door. And I won't feel whole, until she's here at home where she belongs. Even now, I'm sitting in her room. And it feels very empty without Savannah being here, like I do. But, even as selfish as I'm sounding, I do know that coming home later with my baby is infinately better than not being able to come home with my baby at all.
I feel so guilty. It was my body that failed Savannah, and because of me that she needs to struggle so much now. It is my fault that she is breathing with a tube, and that she has to be in a device that keeps her warm, because she can't stay warm on her own. It is because of me and my inadequate body, that she has to be poked and prodded and hurt, just to be sure that she's okay. I never wanted to hurt my child, but I have. And it is my fault that she hurts everyday.
It is also because of me and my body's failure that Wallace has to work so hard. He is making up the money and work that I can't do. He's taking care of me at home, when he isn't working. He's been through so much, because of me as well. I never wanted to hurt him either, and yet I do, everyday with all of this.
I don't know how long it might be until Savannah can come home. I can only hope that all the healing I need to do is finished by then. Healing is slow and very difficult, especially when what needs to heal is more than just me or the incision on my belly.
Posted by lara at April 12, 1999 05:34 PM