'Rest', the doctors tell me.
I don't know how to even begin to explain how hard this is for me to do... I mean, it's not like I'm any kind of health junkie, or exercise fiend by any stretch of the imagination. But, even when I was pregnant and working, and I'd happen to not be feeling well and staying home, I'd usually do something. I feel if I'm not working, I need to do something, i.e., wash dishes, do laundry, clean the bathroom. And right now, between feeling completely incapable of helping Savannah, and feeling helpless and not doing anything at home, I've concluded that I'm completely useless anywhere. I'm not any good for myself, or anyone else around me. I'm just not contributing anything right now. And I hate that.
I mean, if things had gone as planned, I would have had Savannah to bring home with me... Caesarean incision or not. And I would be at home, caring for her.
In all of my daydreams of finally having our baby, I never imagined that I'd be coming home from the hospital alone. And I hate this too.
I'm in mommy-limbo; expressing breast milk into bottles to save for her, since she can't digest anything yet, receiving gifts for her at home while she's in the hospital, and gazing at the cute little sign we got from the hospital, that proclaims, 'It's a girl!', and I'm not sure when I might be able to put it at our front door. And I won't feel whole, until she's here at home where she belongs. Even now, I'm sitting in her room. And it feels very empty without Savannah being here, like I do. But, even as selfish as I'm sounding, I do know that coming home later with my baby is infinately better than not being able to come home with my baby at all.
I feel so guilty. It was my body that failed Savannah, and because of me that she needs to struggle so much now. It is my fault that she is breathing with a tube, and that she has to be in a device that keeps her warm, because she can't stay warm on her own. It is because of me and my inadequate body, that she has to be poked and prodded and hurt, just to be sure that she's okay. I never wanted to hurt my child, but I have. And it is my fault that she hurts everyday.
It is also because of me and my body's failure that Wallace has to work so hard. He is making up the money and work that I can't do. He's taking care of me at home, when he isn't working. He's been through so much, because of me as well. I never wanted to hurt him either, and yet I do, everyday with all of this.
I don't know how long it might be until Savannah can come home. I can only hope that all the healing I need to do is finished by then. Healing is slow and very difficult, especially when what needs to heal is more than just me or the incision on my belly.
Posted by lara at April 12, 1999 05:34 PMhinh. Thanks a lot for sharing this with all folks you actually know what you're talking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally seek advice from my web site =). We may have a link exchange agreement among us!
Posted by: truyen sex at January 28, 2012 02:17 AMThat's a great article!
Posted by: metloyaLtymom at January 21, 2012 03:47 PMIt is appropriate time to make some plans for the long run and it is time to be happy. I've read this put up and if I may I desire to recommend you some attention-grabbing issues or advice. Maybe you could write subsequent articles regarding this article. I desire to read more issues approximately it!
Posted by: watch baseball at January 16, 2012 01:43 AMHi there! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could find a captcha plugin for my comment form? I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having problems finding one? Thanks a lot!
Posted by: window cleaner at January 15, 2012 08:15 PMThat's a great blog!
Posted by: daydayanterry at January 15, 2012 12:57 PMThank you for sharing superb informations. Your web site is very cool. I'm impressed by the details that you have on this website. It reveals how nicely you perceive this subject. Bookmarked this website page, will come back for more articles. You, my friend, ROCK! I found simply the info I already searched everywhere and just couldn't come across. What a great website.
Posted by: mw3 strategy guide at January 14, 2012 08:35 AMI believe this is among the most important information for me. And i'm satisfied studying your article. But wanna remark on few basic things, The web site taste is ideal, the articles is really nice : D. Excellent process, cheers
Posted by: dancing with the stars winner at January 14, 2012 03:30 AMI'm extremely inspired with your writing skills as well as with the layout for your blog. Is this a paid topic or did you customize it yourself? Anyway stay up the excellent quality writing, it¡¯s uncommon to look a nice blog like this one nowadays..
Posted by: the closer at January 13, 2012 02:07 PMexcellent post, very informative. I wonder why the opposite experts of this sector don't realize this. You should continue your writing. I am confident, you have a huge readers' base already!
Posted by: nikon d3100 at January 13, 2012 12:22 PMMy spouse and I completely love your blog and uncover practically all of your post’s to be exactly what I’m seeking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content for you personally? I wouldn’t mind creating a post or elaborating on plenty of the subjects you write with regards to here. Once again, awesome weblog!
Posted by: Salon at January 11, 2012 06:31 PMMany thanks for your post. I would really like to write my opinion that the expense of car insurance varies from one scheme to another, since there are so many different facets which give rise to the overall cost. One example is, the brand name of the vehicle will have a large bearing on the price tag. A reliable ancient family auto will have a lower priced premium compared to a flashy expensive car.
Posted by: free web space at January 11, 2012 03:45 AMYou produced some initial rate factors there. I seemed on the internet for the difficulty and located a lot of people will go along with together with your web site.
Posted by: Fotograf Wrocław at January 10, 2012 04:02 PMHiya. Extremely cool internet site!! Man .. Beautiful .. Wonderful .. I will bookmark your internet site and take the feeds additionally…I am pleased to find numerous beneficial details here within the post. Thank you for sharing…
Posted by: Fotograf at January 10, 2012 10:48 AM9Pbtpk As usual, the webmaster posted correctly..!
Posted by: KOSHER BEEF JERKY at January 3, 2012 04:49 PMIt`s really useful! Looking through the Internet you can mostly observe watered down information, something like bla bla bla, but not here to my deep surprise. It makes me happy..!
Posted by: SEO Los Angeles at December 29, 2011 07:36 AMEdidn`t think about that. I'll tell my mother, she won`t believe it..!
Posted by: online slot at December 17, 2011 10:09 AMSomewhere in the Internet I have already read almost the same selection of information, but anyway thanks!!...
Posted by: Buy Mirapex No Prescription at December 15, 2011 11:33 AMTo all the Taylor Swift haters, go die. To all her fans, i'd really love it if you guys could check out my channel and give a song of mine a listen, let me know how you like it and if you want, request a song and i'll do a cover for you(: making music is my life and i'd love all the support i could get. Thanks so much
Posted by: Counter Strike at December 15, 2011 06:59 AMMy programmer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the costs. But he's tryiong none the less. I've been using WordPress on several websites for about a year and am nervous about switching to another platform. I have heard fantastic things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress content into it? Any kind of help would be really appreciated!
Posted by: pogotowie komputerowe Bydgoszcz at December 13, 2011 01:03 PMif that nigger touched my camera i would have knocked him the fuck out
Posted by: playstation portable at December 7, 2011 05:57 AMI believe that is one of the so much important info for me. And i'm glad studying your article. However wanna observation on some general things, The site style is perfect, the articles is actually excellent : D. Good task, cheers
Posted by: two and a half men full episodes at December 1, 2011 05:30 AMtf9bZQ Honestly, not bad news!....
Posted by: OEM software download at November 11, 2011 10:23 PM