the road not taken

mornings

When I was in college, I was so not a morning person. I loved to be up late, sleep late, and completely miss the mornings. As I got older, I came to realize that I liked the evenings to myself, and didn't want to have to worry about what others might require of my evenings. I used to loathe having to work in the evenings. Which, in the hideous retail industry, is essentially required. Ahhh, but I did my damnedest to find a way out of that one... And ended up with the earliest shifts imaginable. That was the tradeoff for having my evenings to myself. So, through quite painful reorientation, I 'became' a morning person.

And, unbelievably... I've even converted Wallace to the early morning toleration, and he is still definitely not a morning person. But he agrees with the motto of, 'the earlier I go, the earlier I can go home...' And now, I mean, we have our evenings to look forward to spending with our daughter in the NICU. And that is top priority these days.

So now, I'm beginning to dislike mornings again... Because, mornings are now times waiting for the doctor to call with his update. And disliking this is truly silly, since if something were to go wrong, I'm very sure it won't be during the doctor's morning rounds when he usually calls the house. It will be in the middle of the night, when we have both managed to fall into REM sleep for a change, or it will be when we have decided to take a walk away from the phone, or go to the grocery store for coffee. It just won't be, when I expect him to call. But, I still don't like the waiting.

At least this morning, I'm not waiting alone. It's nice to have Wallace here, even if he has rented N64 for the weekend, and is sitting in front of the tv. He's still not dressed yet, but gods, on a Saturday... I think he deserves it. He's been working all week, AND dealing with this stuff too. And he's so sweet to watch while he's playing; like a little boy. I just can't complain about it, even if I wanted to.

I'd never be here, if not for Wallace. I'd never have made it this far. He is the most wonderful father and husband, and the best friend I've ever known. And I'm so lucky to be able to watch him play N64, right before noon on a Saturday, not yet dressed, in our home together. I try to tell him often, but I don't think he'll ever understand just how lucky I feel.

Even though the doctor hasn't called yet, I know that Savannah is all right. Don't ask me how I know... I'm a mommy now. And I don't know how I know half the stuff I do.

We are hoping to inquire around about getting a pager, this weekend. As we're scared to death about being unreachable, if something were to happen. I'd never be able to live with myself if I were unreachable. But, it's difficult being tied down to my apartment, when I do need to find a way to normalize my life again... Grocery shop, pay bills, get a haircut, etc.

The doctor just called, and everything is all right for today. A few things are changing, but she's still doing really well, as far as he says. Trying a new breathing tool, working on feeding her again. So, that's all okay for this morning.

Now comes the wait for tomorrow morning...

Posted by lara at April 10, 1999 10:17 AM