It's been a week since I came home from the hospital. One week since my parents were here. I thought I would be so glad to have time off finally, after the baby came. But, I'm not... well, not exactly, anyway. I have too much time to think, to be alone, to worry. Too much time.
I looked it up in my Webster's New World Dictionary, Time... There are eleven definitions listed just for its use as a noun. And millions of others, depending upon who you ask to define it on the street. I've been thinking a lot about Time lately; what it is and what it means...
When I found out I was pregnant, oh, how time took on such a new meaning! We had been trying to get pregnant for a while, and I felt I was physically, emotionally and mentally ready to be a mother. The first day of November was when I found out I was pregnant. It took three tests for me to 'be sure' it was accurate and it was one of the most wonderful days of my life. It was so amazing to me that there was another person growing inside me. From that point on, being the carrier of another little person, I never allowed that thought to leave my mind, awake or asleep. For very excited first time mothers-to-be like me, I'm sure this is not at all unusual.
Pregnancy defines time in a while different way. You count the weeks; this defines you and your baby. Certain things are supposed to happen by or around each week. Every week becomes a milestone, each day closer to the doctor's 'due date'. This also is a great way to prepare yourself for having a baby, as long as you and the baby stick to the schedule. But, even things that are supposed to be on a schedule, don't always remain that way... Trains, dentist appointments and pregnancies.
This wasn't the Right Time. Neither the baby nor I were ready. But there were no choices; no more time for lazy leisurely choices. It was Right Now or, the completely unthinkable. No more Time.
Hurry up! Do this Now! Here we go...
I'm scared, oh gods, so scared... More scared than I've ever been in my life. Not scared for me - for the baby inside my belly... No more Time.
I can't see anything, so I listen. I'm crying and I'm shaking. I look to Wallace, and there he is... Holding my hand, looking into my terrified eyes, giving me as much love and support as he can.
Help me! Help me make it through this...
Finally, between the beeps and suction noises and talking in the operating room, I hear a little cry. My baby. My little tiny baby from inside me; I can now hear a little tiny cry. I think feverishly, 'if the baby's crying, that's good... good to hear the baby cry'.
Wallace is told to stand up, to peer over the sheet to see our baby, and he does. He asks if we have a boy or a girl. But I know; I've known all along... Pause. It's a girl. Wallace and Lara, meet your new daughter, Savannah Noelle. Smiles, finally. More tears. Relief, for now.
Now, Time to wait and worry and hope.
And to love. All my love and time for my precious tiny wonderful beautiful daughter, Savannah Noelle.
...And so that is how she came to be, and why I'm so happy and scared and overwhelmed and worried.
Actually, Savannah has done quite well in the ten days she's been outside of me. She's had so many advancements, and very few setbacks. She's a wonderfully strong little girl.
Savannah Noelle Beeson was born Tuesday, 30 March 1999, at 1:34pm. She weighed one pound and six ounces, and measured twelve inches when she was born. She is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen.
It's only been ten days since she was born, and I can't remember what it was like to not have her in my life. And I never want to imagine what it would be like to not have her in my life again... She's my love and my life, and we're both so lucky to have her. And we can't wait to have her home with us, always and forever.
Posted by lara at April 9, 1999 01:03 AM