i wish i could turn the volume up on my nin cd, and make my eardrums bleed.
well, not precisely.
i started with the music thing yesterday, to get my endorphins pumping -- with high hopes that it might speed my physical recovery from whatever-the-hell has been tormenting me since the beginning of the week. it didn't work; though i've been listening to music nearly all day now.
i still feel generally wrong, and dislike it. i can't even take simple pleasure from a cup of coffee and a moment to myself. gods know i'm not the healthiest person on the block, so i guess my regular issues are compounded by this kind of intrusive aliment. so, after a few days of feeling horrible, having no one to 'care' for me and being fully aware of all that 'other shit' i have to do -- i reach this point.
and just about everything sucks here.
the music thing will often help. listening to mindless teenage movie soundtrack top 40 fluff can brighten my spirits. not today, baby. i want to revel in blackness, angst and despair. somehow, i don't think this can have a positive outcome.
i understand how i am normally flawed, but this other stuff -- it needs to go. we'll find out if i can will myself into feeling better. before i start posting obscene song lyrics, stomping on flowers or sneering at babies at the grocery store.
please...