we arrived home friday afternoon, after spending five and a half wonderful days in myrtle beach, sc. we had to fight some rush-hour traffic around atlanta, but we made it here in good time, and arrived a bit after five o'clock.
i love living in this house (for the most part) but as soon as i pulled into the driveway, i fully realized that i didn't want to be here at all. i wanted to be back at the beach, sitting with my parents, drinking margaritas, turning my face towards the wind, chatting and giggling at savannah.
i managed to really go on vacation this year. i forgot about bills and the house and the fact that wallace still doesn't have a permanent job. i forgot about taking out the trash and about mowing the grass. i forgot. i left it all behind... and it felt so good.
so you can imagine how it all came crashing down on me when i pulled into the driveway. it doesn't feel any heavier than it did before we left, but i also know there is something else out there -- escape. vacation. i think it also doesn't help that my parents are still in myrtle beach.
i had to bite my lip to prevent myself from asking if we could stay for another few days. gods, i wanted to... but we only tag along on this vacation, it isn't ours at all. my parents are just kind enough to share it with us.
i'm also a little lonely today, as wallace just started an on-site contract gig. it's just savannah and i, and i can't compete with elmo. it doesn't bother me. she's getting grown-up so quickly, i can hardly believe my eyes.
i've got a lot of other potential issues bouncing around internally. and some are so impossibly big that i can seem to do nothing but keep them far into my periphery, and try not to think about them at all. i hate getting excited about things that are so uncertain. i have a strong suspicion that i will be re-installing the sims and looking for other ways to escape my own head in the near future.
my father mentioned my ten year class reunion while we were in myrtle beach. and, i'm undecided about that right now too. at the same time, my father mentioned a former classmate of mine. he talked about what a great teacher she was (no small compliment from my dad) and how much she wants to come work for him.
this pissed me off a lot. and, it's hard to explain, but ... she was someone who stood to the left of me at graduation. i was 10th in my class and she was 11th or 12th. and, she had very little common sense. gods, i think she may have been pregnant or got pregnant shortly after graduation. i know i am smarter than she is. and, i'm so angry with myself for what i have not yet done in my life.
i love and adore my little girl. i'm glad to be here to guide and teach her during these few years that wallace and i are the biggest people in her life. and, i'm glad i have the chance to do that.
but, i have shit i want to do. and i think it's time i start thinking about all. start to make a plan, a course of action to take. this is not all there will be. so, instead of being angry, i want to channel that energy into doing something about this. i know i can do whatever i want to do (for the most part), it's just the deciding what and how and when and why that is most difficult for me.
sorry to ramble/whine here. i just wanted to have it written down, to look back on and see my own progress in the days and months and years to come.
this is not all there is for me. this is only the beginning.
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