the road not taken

feeling invisible

i'm here, but not really here.

i've come to realize how differently i feel things, as compared to 99% of the rest of the world. or, rather 99% of my little piece of the world...

i have very few people that i love. but, those people i love fully and completely, without hesitation. i try to do whatever i can to make those people happy. and, probably since i am so fiercely dedicated to those people i've chosen to love, i also find that i feel taken for granted a lot more than i should.

there are probably other reasons for that. probably one is that my interactions with people are so few and far between, that when you hear the expression i'll wait by the phone..., sadly, that's me. they're all talking about me. talk to me, validate me, make me feel as special as i try to make you feel.

and, i wait, and wait, and wait... and feel smaller, and less important, and more and more invisible. i'm easily disregarded. i'm avoidable.

and any time that happens, with anyone that i love, i feel bits of my insides being chipped away. eroding. disintegrating. disappearing. i become less of me. and it hurts me, unbearably.

it's horrible and needy and pathetic. but, it's me.

and, i also never say anything. i just sit back, and take it all. because, i can't walk away from the people i love, whether they can see me all the time, or not.

i don't want to be invisible anymore. i just don't.

Posted by lara at September 18, 2000 06:23 PM