the road not taken

what a day... geesh

wallace took savannah to see her pediatrician this morning, since i was here with destiny. it was a quiet morning. the confusion didn't happen until he got home...

she's still not growing (a lot), but it's still not a huge deal. babies generally do slow down growth-wise after their first birthday or so. and her ct scan was normal in june. so, they just want to keep an eye on things.

that's fine and great and all, but can be a bit nervewracking after a while. i'm still a bit nervous, but, i'm not freaking myself out like i was a couple of months ago.

so, her ped said she's doing great, really. and not to worry about the growth thing yet either. but, she did give wallace a referral (gotta love fucking hmo politics) to see a developmental pediatrician for an assessment. and, truly, the only reason she wants to do that, is to be sure and have me be sure that there isn't anything else slowing down with her developmentally.

i'm actually looking forward to having it done, to get a good picture of where we are right now. but, in the back of my mind, in the dark scary places, i'm terrified.

it's there in those dark scary places where all the information about the lives of preemies as they grow up resides. many many preemies go on to have perfectly normal lives, but there are also quite a few who do not.

and, it will be a long time before i can say with any certainty one way or the other how things will be for savannah. and, i'm so bad at waiting for things. i'll be much better off when i can know.

i love my little girl, more than anything i've ever known in my life. and, i will love her no matter what. and i'll help her however i can.

when i was pregnant, i imagined the brilliant child we'd almost be sure to have, given both our genes and individual intelligence... but things aren't so clear.

my heart hurts now when i see savannah struggle to do something that she can't, and, if she does need extra help later on, i hope i can find the strength. i want her to be happy. and healthy. and i want to help her along in the best way and as much as i can.

i spent almost an hour on the phone calling to verify this and that, to find the doctor we'd have to go to for the assessment. calling to verify that this doctor participates in the hmo, blah blah blah. i don't understand why they have to make things so fucking hard. and i'll jump through seventeen more hoops so i can be sure that savannah is taken care of, one way or the other.

now, i'm hoping for both girls to nap, so i might get a little nap too. destiny's already passed out. and, i'm hoping savannah chills out soon too. but, she's being more difficult.

i'm looking forward to doing something with wallace tonight, and spending some time with maura, as she's coming over to watch savannah and staying over, too. i think.

keep your fingers crossed that everything is okay, please...

Posted by lara at August 31, 2000 03:11 PM