and, i shouldn't bitch about it... really. some of the really fast-life experiences i've had have been horrible, unfun and basically really yucky. i get wrapped up in the slowness of everything, and get frustrated that Things aren't happening like i want/hope.
but, i think the truth is that i'm very slow to get organized about things. there are a certain number of things i feel i have to accomplish before i can move on to the other things i have waiting in the queue. and, it seems to take me forever to get the first list of things done -- all at the same time -- to move on to those waiting.
so, when i bitch, it's my own fault. my own bitching at myself. and, i have a hard time moving on or differently motivating myself.
other things, i'm torn between wanting to hurry up and wanting to slow down... like each of the little milestones that savannah crawls over. she's close to walking, and i can't wait until she can, but it's another part of her life that we're leaving behind.
i still hold on to the hope that i might try to have one other child in the future, but i don't assuredly know that will be possible. and, for some of these things, i may never have a chance to experience again, through another child. so, i try really hard to be patient and savor everything new that she does and she experiences, because it is important and special. and, this might be my only chance to watch and enjoy these things so closely.
i know that the things i thought about my life and my future, only 5 or 6 years ago, didn't include a child, or a husband, or even being here in atlanta. even things i had imagined only a year and a half ago have vastly changed. and, i've tried to be flexible. and i think i've done fairly well. but, i keep expecting that once i change my mind about our future, that things should happen almost immediately. and, of course, they don't.
i feel like we've been waiting around for some things for way too long, and then on the other hand i chastise myself for being so terribly impatient. i'm torn.
right now, i'm putting off a long list of things i really need to do, for the sake of sitting here bitching about how i never get anything done. how ironic i am; how ironic my life is... and how depressing.
but, i'm not unhappy, really... i've been deeply depressed more than once in my lifetime, and this sure as hell isn't that. i'm frustrated. and, i'm tired of being a living, breathing contradiction. and i need to learn how to kick my own ass, and work on making Things better.
. . . . .
in other happier news, it's wallace's birthday today... and in similar ironic fashion, we're broke as hell. so, i didn't even get him a card or anything. but, i think i'm going to make him some chocolate chip cookies this afternoon. and, try to make him feel as special as i can.
and, in a couple of weeks, we're going to another braves game. i'm so excited! a group of people from wallace's company are going together, and they are paying for wallace's ticket, so we'd only have to pay for mine.
i was lucky enough to score two free tickets from a parent of child i had in school in may of '98, and wallace and i went. it was a blast. and, i'm really looking forward to a chance to go again.
it's almost the weekend, and i really should be off doing some more productive/less fun things. but i hope everyone has a good weekend, especially 'sted and mish, since mish is in sf visiting 'sted. and, i miss 'sted, and hope to meet mish sometime.
Posted by lara at August 11, 2000 01:32 PM