it's much easier said than done. especially with me. i feel everything, deeply. and i feel those things even more in regard to people i love and care about... i take it all in, so much so, that i can hardly breathe or think.
i hate being afraid. and i hate being weak. but, sometimes too, i seem to have no clue how to be strong.
i hope i learn. i can't be this weepy and neurotic mother that i am. i need to have at least marginal control over my emotions. but, if i haven't been able to accomplish that in the last 27 years, how do i expect to do it now?
i'm lucky to have the family support (related and chosen family) that i do. but even with all the support and love and concern, i still can't turn down my emotions. i seem to have to cry, because even when i don't want to or try to stop, i usually cry even harder.
i want things to be okay. that's really all i want. and i can't make them okay, or otherwise. and i'm hardly patient enough for them to be okay or not.
i'm just so tired of being so terribly afraid most of the time.
there is no physical space, no words, no gestures or amount of time that would be sufficient to completely express how much i love my daughter. there is Nothing i would not do for her.
please just let her be okay.
Posted by lara at June 21, 2000 11:06 AM